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| Star727 |
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Posted: 2/24/2009 9:59 AM |
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Subject: After His Affair, Do I Still Want Him? |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 53
Total Posts: 56
President''''''''s Hometown
Illinois
United States
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My husband of 22 years had a 5 year emotional affair (and quite possibly a physical affair) with a coworker (all three of us work at the same place, different buildings).
I found out about it through the detailed cell phone bill. I was able to track the past two years and was shocked and upset to find they talked to each 4-5 times a day, 7 days a week (late at night, and weekends).
I confronted my husband in July 2008 and demanded that he have "no contact" with this woman ever again (who I‘ve known for 20 years). I was started to feel better about our relationship and felt we were reconciling okay, then I found his secret prepaid cell phone with her phone numbers in the inbox and outbox of his phone. He lied to me and had not stopped talking to her. I didnt confront him yet, since I knew his hiding place for the phone, I kept monitoring it to see what he was doing.
Well in January 2009, I had enough and confronted him about the secret cell phone and told him I wanted a divorce. Since then, he has put the phone in the closet and hasn‘t left our home without me since.
You know what? I think its too late. I am losing my feelings for him. I don‘t love him like I used to. Other men are looking very attractive to me and I never paid attention before.
I think what happened was our 2nd confrontation. By him getting a secret cell phone to talk to her was the same as telling me "**** you, I‘ll talk to her if I want". Never talking to her again was what I needed him to do if he wanted to stay married to me and he couldnt do it until I loudly said I wanted a divorce.
He should have stopped talking to her after our 1st confrontation. Now I feel like he stopped only because he was being threatened. He knows I will be fine if he wasnt there so he is working really hard at showing his "worth" in our home. Trying to make me feel like I can‘t live without him there so I won‘t file for divorce.
I lost that deep nurturing heart stopping feeling for him. Its gone. I have no idea how to get it back. I know that once there is infidelity in a marriage, the marriage will never be the same. And I also know that sometimes, after infidelity, a marriage could turn out a little stronger than before.
My husband is not making things any better when he has not apologized, shown remorse and stubbornly says they were just friends. I‘m finally getting through to him a little when I told him that in order for him to talk and/or see her, she had to be on his mind, and looking at the cell phone bill, she was on his mind all day, everyday for years.
I can‘t get that thought out of my mind. And I can‘t believe he abruptly stopped talking to her after all these years.
The other woman and I have mutual friends at work and she‘s been avoiding me like the plague. She‘s afraid I will "out" her to everybody, which I‘ve done already so she is/will be extremely embarrassed when the word gets back to her that everyone knows whats she‘s been doing with my husband all these years. She‘s one of the those women (single, lives alone) that thrives on people thinking "she‘s the ****".
I feel like my marriage was a great big lie. His mind has been on someone else for a long time and that alone answers a bunch of questions I‘ve had about different situations over the years and why things had happened the way they did. It was because of his relationship with her:
1) new sexual positions;
2) he doesn‘t want cigarette butts in the ashtray of his car because he says they make the car smell like burned cigarettes. For the past 20 years, that was never an issue. He probably was driving her around in our car and she doesnt smoke;
3) For 22 years he told me he was going out to play Chess. He wouldnt come home to the wee hours of the morning through the work week and on weekends. I believed him. He hasnt left the house to "play Chess" since our 1st confrontation so that makes me think he wasnt always playing Chess, he was playing her at her house;
4) he was getting into a habit of verbally belittling me about the condition of the house, general conversations we have, trying to make me look like I‘m stupid and don‘t have a clue how to handle business, cook, clean, nothing!!!!! I got tired of that real quick and had to "check him" on the critisicsm and he stopped but got quiet.
5) He was real quick to volunteer to run to the store or any errands I needed done. Looking at the detailed phone bill, he made most of his calls to her while running errands;
6) He had a hickey on his neck about a year ago and I teased him and told him to "tell the lady that put it there, not to do that anymore, its not ladylike". He swore up and down it was a "bump" on his neck, not a hickey. I used to give hickeys!!! I know what they look like.
7) I‘ve seen scratches on his back. I didnt put them there and he didnt either.
So, thinking about all that, its hard for me to see a 23rd wedding anniversary. I‘m not into him like I use to be and don‘t know if he can fix what he has broken. Can he?
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| loveCaliGirl |
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Posted: 2/24/2009 8:33 PM |
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Subject: After His Affair, Do I Still Want Him? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 3
Total Posts: 33
SF Bay
California
United States
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This is horrible. I am dealing with my soon to be ex-husbands porn/sex addiction which I am highly suspicious if it ever esculated but still no proof...but I understand your dilema. In fact the night before I was to meet with my attorney to discuss divorce options etc. I was still not sure what I wanted to do and really wanted to save my marriage/family despite his addictions/abuse. I prayed and prayed for the answer and this is what I woke up feeling in my heart....
What is a marriage without trust? and I did not trust him anymore. How could I go on living with a man that I was suspicious and paranoid about? It was too much for me and the pain of finding out your husband is not who you thought he was is, and is betraying you is the worst. You were living in an illusion of a marriage while your husband is living a double life...and then it wasnt just sex it was an actual relationship your man was in which complicates it further....OMG
But here‘s the thing, so really think about this and try to be cool. See my situation is so I had no choice cause he is an abuser etc...but you do. Think about whether you would be better off with him or without him. If you have a house together and children...if you otherwise have a compatible relationship and get along most of the time...if you have a business and the share friends etc....and...
If you divorce him you will be giving him to the other women and she doesnt deserve him, does she? She hasnt put in the work/years and now that you know what is going on perhaps their relationship will fizzle. You should stay strong and ask your husband, since they seem to have a lot to talk about and are friends as well as lovers, if he is in love with her. Tell him he needs to be honest with you as that is the real deal breaker DISHONESTY and it has to stop now because lying and making you feel paranoid, suspicous, crazy etc. is no way to live and that is a form of emotional abuse. When he is critical of you it is his way of easing his guilt by blaming you, i.e his thinking " well she does this wrong and makes me feel this way so I can do this behind her back because I have needs" etc...
Dont get caught up in his blame, make him fess up. He is clearly an outgoing guy (unlike my husband) and that is why he talks and talks to this women, she must build him up some way, otherwise he would be just screwing women to get off and have no conversation/desire for relationship, so it‘s more then just sex.
Get him to communicate with you and tell him you feel you need to check out other guys now and that hey two can play at that game...and get yourself together and go out and meet people yourself, maybe a younger man, and be free but do not get a divorce right off the bat even though it is your first choice. I dont believe he wants a divorce, he just wants to have his cake and some candy on the side. The fact that he is leaving his phone in the closet and going everywhere with you is good... let him try hard not to lose you as you do your own thing, look great and make him crazy wondering where the hell you are and with who. This other women will begin to suddenly take a back seat and get Pissed that she is not getting the same attention, and that you are not releasing him to her....and dont fight her either. Be calm around her, dont let her see you sweat.... Women like this are competitive bitches and she may think she is the s***, but I bet she‘s jealous as hell about you, and if you act like you dont care in front of her she may think "hmmm, if she isnt fighting me for him then maybe he isnt that great to have full-time etc" ....and let HER get paranoid and suspicious and bitchy with him, while you are cool, and respectable, carefree ans hhhmmm smiling no less...your friends will support you. Also, it would be good if she was relocated to another office but let that happen naturally as it should when she cant stand stand it there anymore and starts to feel like sh** instead the sh**. You and your husband will need counseling and need to learn how to trust again, til then, make him work hard to keep you, and make him the one who worries, wonder‘s, and wants...you.
The ball is in your court now, stay in the game. What‘s done is done and nothing can change that, and it hurts and is disappointing for sure....but I think it will hurt a lot more if you just give up right now so take a breath and make a plan... good luck  and stay in touch here...
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| Star727 |
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Posted: 2/25/2009 2:54 PM |
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Subject: After His Affair, Do I Still Want Him? |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 53
Total Posts: 56
President''''''''s Hometown
Illinois
United States
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I really liked what you said. My life would be a bit complicated and would cause me to run my blood pressure up if I divorced him. If I divorced him and he went to her, I‘d have to see them together at work and it would just kill me.
So no, I‘m not making it easy for her.
Apparently he doesnt want to leave because he would have left. We‘ve had enough arguments about the affair and I‘ve said some nasty things to him in anger that if he didnt care about me, he would have left sometime ago.
I was planning on saving some money and by July, see an attorney and get things rolling but after reading your post, I‘m going to think about it for a little bit.
Like that saying goes "don‘t bite your nose to spite your face". (or something like that).
I got it made right now. Access to extra money. A ride to and from work everyday. He does the laundry every week (wash, dry and fold), keeps the cars running, keeps gas in the cars, shovels snow, cuts grass, protects us and the house, helps my widowed mother who lives around the corner, and a lot of other things.
Come to think of it, why would I kick him out cause I‘m mad at something he did that he‘s not doing anymore and lose out on all the things he has been doing?
I guess I‘ve answered my own question!
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