WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SUSAN BARTELSTONE, CERTIFIED CRIME PREVENTION AND PERSONAL SAFETY SPECIALIST / divorce and grieving

How do you get over a marriage?  I know everyone says I‘ll get better...after time.

Is it normal to cry everyday?  Not all day, but I will be doing something and I will just start bawling like a baby.  Today I cried for about 2 hours, all while trying to drive, and get my setup work done.

I had to work my first wedding tonight.  I was scared to death that I was just going to start crying and not stop.  I cried a bunch this afternoon, took a shower and then a citralpram (anti-depressant) and that helped to calm my nerves.  I haven‘t been able to eat, and I didn‘t sleep last night so I feel terrible.

The good news is that I have lost 11 pounds.  I‘ve been trying to lose weight for such a long time.  I can‘t eat, for the knot that is always in my stomache.

My doctor had prescribed the anti-depressant to me before to help me deal with the verbal abuse a year ago.  He then gave me a doctor‘s order to get a divorce.  Yes, my doctor told me in no uncertain terms to get a divorce.  At the time we were looking for cancer, because I had blood clots. 

 I wasn‘t ready to just divorce my husband with that kind of news.  I found out the reason for the blood clots is because I have Crohn‘s disease.

When and how can you get over the grieving process enough to enjoy yourself? To relax?  I think that until the divorce is over with and I find out if me and the kids get the house or not and if I am able to find another form of income so that I can make the payments that will ease my mind.

Right now, it is the unknown that is scaring the hell out of me.  I have 4 children to raise by myself.  I have no idea how I am going to come up with the money for the electricity/heat. 

My ex looks smug at me every time I see him when we exchange the kids.  He still has all his bills being taken out of our account, but he is not putting any money in.  He took the very last out of it a week ago and put our account in the negative.  I had to put money in it.  We have some automatic payments coming out of it, so I have to keep money in it to cover those.

He also had the address changed for billing of our mortgage.  We are a month behind and they called.  It was pretty obvious that he had no intention of paying the bill.  I put the down payment on this house from the sale of my old house from before we were married.  He has nothing to lose by letting the bank take it.

Two times in the last week, I have gotten the weirdest come on from men.  It seems the minute they find out that I am going through a divorce they think I want to have and affair or some weird sex thing.

WTH?  It makes me miss marriage even more.  I just wanted a friend or someone to hold me.  Instead this guy is saying it‘s okay to get a little "violent".  I‘m  told him no, not me I don‘t like to get hurt.  He says, "*****, have‘nt you ever wanted to dominate?  I told him that I was so pent up with emotions that I might kill him in the process....LOL

Anyway the whole thought made me throw up.  I don‘t want to be out there in the world alone and finding jerks like this with no one to lean on.

But then there was my jerky H who yelled alot and was always threatening to leave me because I‘m such a bitch.

situation normal.

you can‘t have sex, you are married. keep wearing your rings.

do not put anymore money in any account with his name on it.

start a new account and pay the mortgage.

I didn‘t have any plans on having sex with anyone.  I was just noticing how many freaking weirdos that are now coming out of the woodwork.

I still have to put money in the account with his name on it because my name is on it too.  We have automatic payments coming out of it for bills.

I paid last months mortgage and am trying to figure out how I am going to pay for this month.

I am trying so hard to hang on here.  I do realize that he "wasn‘t that into me".  I am looking at my part in the whole thing too.  I have been letting him mistreat me for a very long time.  No, he didn‘t call me names on a daily basis, nor was he mean on a daily basis.

The first time that he threatened divorce it was over something so minimal that I couldn‘t believe it was reality.  I was pregnant we had been married about 7 months.  At the time I called marriage counselors, and begged him not to leave me. 

 It was only after I accepted the fact that he wanted a divorce and wasn‘t happy that he decided he would stay after all.  He then couldn‘t and wouldn‘t let me leave the house until we made up.

It would be the things out of the blue.  I could start to feel the storm coming that he was going to be upset about something and there was nothing I could do about it.  I would get anxious wondering when, what or how he was going to be upset with me.

We went to several counselors.  One counselor suggested that I jump into the volcano of trust.  See, he told her that I had trust issues and was always suspecting him of cheating when he wasn‘t.  Could it be the girl who called his cell phone that followed him into the bedroom at our house party that I didn‘t invite?..hmmm yeah that would give you reason to mistrust. Her number was stored in his phone.

 How about the one that he emailed telling her to call him at his office?  Yeah, he told her to call him at his office because I was the jealous type.

Could I feel this way because I was still finding his ads on dating sites and condoms in his coat pockets.  He claimed the condoms had been there since before we got together and that they were old.  Funny thing was that he could never find them when we needed them.

He never mentions to the counselor the fact that I had no problems when he was going out to lunch with some of the ladies at work.  This is because I had met them and knew them.

This last one, with the ex-girlfriend calling him really hit a nerve.  Of course I feel ****ing threatened, hurt, unloved, angry, upset and my world is upside down!  Why THE HELL WOULDN‘T I?  He says that is my problem that I feel that way.  To him he says it is no big deal and that I should be happy that he told me the truth this time.

This is his version of what happened.  He ran into her at a convenience store she asked him how he was and he told her he was married.  She said well we can still go out for drinks sometime right?  And he agreed.  Then he accidently gave her his home phone number.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

He says that this shouldn‘t upset me.  He can‘t fathom in the least as to why this would send me off crying and be upset with him.

I Married the biggest asshole in the world.

You just left an abusive man and are walking away from a marriage you have invested years into.  Of course, it‘s normal to cry!  It‘s okay.  Of course, you feel terrible.  I‘d worry if you weren‘t having some strong emotions right now. 

When you called the cops, you went into survival mode.  The survival of yourself and your son.  You were protecting your family.

In the beginning, there is profound relief!  Not to have to come home to a yelling, screaming monster.  Not to have to be afraid in your own home.  Not to have to walk on eggshells.

After a week or two, the novelty wears off.  The realization that yeah - you really did it and "reality" sets in.  For me, it was realizing I didn‘t have the money to pay bills, and I had to keep it together for the kids.  I was so scared.  I felt so alone.

Since I did it right before Christmas, that was really awful.  One daughter cried the whole time she put up the tree.  She‘d always resented her dad, but I guess Christmas didn‘t feel right without him.  She blamed the oldest daughter, who was the target for most of his emotional abuse.  The "baby" the youngest, was a real daddy‘s girl, and was upset about him being gone.  Seeing them all so confused and so hurt was very difficult for me.  I felt like a "monster" for kicking him out, and questioned whether I did the right thing, or if I was being "melodramatic", etc. 

Obviously, I wasn‘t.  Being a "drama queen" is not one of my attributes.  I would never call the police unless I felt seriously threatened. 

It is a stage you go through, and it‘s very, very hard.  It takes a while to process the loss and the grief.  You must be patient with yourself.  Life will get better.

You are doing the right thing.  It might not feel like it right now.  Go ahead and cry.  Process all of your emotions.  Feel the hurt.  This, too, will pass.

It takes a strong woman to leave a bad marriage or relationship.  Keep posting.  You can PM me if you want.  Do you have friends you can call?  Keep reaching out.  We are here for you!

Oh yeah - like Lorrie said - close out joint accounts, and don‘t let him have a dime.  Pay the mortgage.  Don‘t lose your house.  Assume that he isn‘t going to pay for anything, but creeps like these never do, and assume that you are in it by yourself.

And yes, there are creeps and losers out there, but you don‘t have to date.  I have pretty much avoided it for years!  And if you have 4 kids to support, FUCK having a man.  It may not be the life you envisioned, but it is amazing how good you can become at it.  Your children need you.  They need you to be strong, stable and mature, and everything needs to be about them at this point in your life. 

Bad enough that they have witnessed your husband‘s bad behavior, and seeing you miserable.  They need to come first now, and remember that you left the jerk to protect them and their well-being.  You need to provide them a good life, and you need to be there for them.  Being a good mother is your most important job. 

You are a lot stronger than you think are.  You can handle this.  Do not think that having a man is the answer to your problems, because most of them end up being the problem. Make a commitment not to put your kids through any more hell.  You just got rid of one tyrant, and you do not need another one. 

It‘s a huge adjustment, but it can be done.  I have done it, and so have many other women on these boards.   You are not alone.  We can help you through it.

One day you will wake up - just as I do - and look forward to each day - knowing you can handle anything that life dishes out, and that you are okay.  Peace of mind is everything!  You will make it, because you are a strong, intelligent and insightful woman.

Most mothers in this world really are single mothers.

Again, here‘s another question I wish Dr. Sandra Brown was still on the Forum to answer this question.  This is more of a relationship question than a crime prevention/personal safety topic, which is my area of expertise.

I‘d like to repeat some thoughts I‘ve given out before as I think they apply here as well:

1.  I always tell people to listen to their instincts.  If deep down in your gut you know  something feels wrong, it‘s really important to honor that feeling ... even if you really really really want to believe the opposite. 

Listening to your gut has saved many a potential crime victim from heartache, and would apply to any other kind of life situation as well.

2.  One of the best ways to gain self esteem and strength to heal from life‘s trauma‘s - whatever their source - is martial arts training.  If you‘re trying to heal or find the inner strength to walk away from a situation that is bad for you, I urge you to try a few classes just to see if it catches hold within you.

It‘s one of the most strengthening, self-healing activies I‘ve ever experienced in my lifetime. 

For women, check out www.nwmaf.org (website for the National Women‘s Martial Arts Federation) for a woman-friendly class in your area.  If you don‘t see one listed, email them for a reference.