WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SUSAN BARTELSTONE, CERTIFIED CRIME PREVENTION AND PERSONAL SAFETY SPECIALIST / Is his verbal abuse a sign of cheating?

I have so many things going around in my head lately.  My feelings just keep spiraling from saddness, fear, anger to depression and crying.  I keep thinking about the things that had happened in our marriage.

Tomorrow I go to court to see if we continue the order of protection.  Part of me is scared to death that it won‘t got through and he will be able to come back and live with us until the divorce is over.  I am scared that he will really be pissed now and that I shouldn‘t go to sleep at night if he is in the house. 

Now that I have had a chance of a breather to relook at my husband‘s actions I think there may be a connection here.

Do cheaters get more verbally abusive when they are cheating?

He came home one day and told me "I accidentally gave my old girlfriend our home telephone number".  He was standing in a check out line he says and got nervous.  She "just wants to go out for drinks".  Well he is busy patting himself on the back for "telling me the truth".  Then he is uptight for 2 days because he doesn‘t know what to tell her when she calls.  HE ASKS ME WHAT TO SAY.  (Yeah this hurts like hell).

I tell him well, if you want to go out for drinks then you tell her that.  If not then you don‘t.  If you want to stay married then you tell her this and to please not call here anymore.

She calls, and I am standing there right in front of him and he doesn‘t tell her not to call.  Instead, he acts kind of rude and tells her he is just about to sit down for dinner.

He then tells me that since he last seen her she has gained a bunch of weight and now looks like Noriega.  I went to the place she worked at, she has since quit, so I have never seen her.  The other girls that work there hated her and told me she was a major ho, would sleep with any married man and that NO, she doesn‘t appear to be extremely ugly.

His Dad called yesterday.  I told him we were getting a divorce.  His first words out of his mouth was "you must have finaly caught him". I told him about the email stuff I had found before.  He said that was no big deal just emails to girls, but her calling the house was a problem.  WOW.   He also said that part of that was his fault because that was the way he had treated Tim‘s mother and that is why they are divorced. 

In any case, it seems to me that since this has been going on he has been meaner.  Incredibly mean.  He had quit kissing me hello, goodnight.  Quite frankly he quit kissing me at all unless he wanted sex which was about once every 3 weeks.  Not normal for him.

Do you think he was cheating and that this is one of the reasons he treats me the way he does?

verbal abuse starts as a lack of respect.

i can‘t tell you if he is doing actual cheating yet, but he‘s making dates right in front of you, his sex life is the least of your worries.

whether he is cheating or not, he has checked out and you should do the same.

its over. been over. he‘s gone.

leave first. at the least change the locks. there is no law he can live at the house till the divorce.

Hey Lorrie,

Usually I think your advice is spot on.  I know that it is today as well.  I just hate it.  I hate the fact that he stayed married to me while not even being in love with me.

I am so freaking depressed that all I can do is cry.  Why lie to me and treat me the way he did for so long?  Why start taking it out on my kids as well?

Okay, I know that I‘ll never know the answers why.  It just hurts like hell.  I am depressed. 

He is out of the house.  He threatened to beat up my son.  My son is 14 and feeling big enough to stand up to him and tell him to quit calling me names.  I had to do something.  I was afraid that he was either going to hurt my son, or I was going to get hurt protecting him.  We have an order of protection.

Nothing that I can say or do will change how my husband feels about me or treats me.  When I have asked him in the past he just brings up things he doesn‘t like about me and gets angry if I bring up the way he talks to me or my sons.

Thinking that he checked out a long time ago really hurts.  It sends me bawling like a baby.  I really wanted the dream.  A husband who loved me, who wanted to be happy with his family.

Four years ago I found an email he had sent to some woman.  In it he said how much he missed her and would she call him at work, because his wife was really jealous.

I was so upset.  I had been begging him for dates, to do lunch etc.  I had just had our baby girl 2 weeks before when I found this email.

In this last week where he was constantly yelling at me and telling me every vile hurtful thing he could imagine he told me that the reason he never did ask me out to lunch for the last 4 years was to punish me.

HE PUNISHED ME FOR 4 YEARS?  Because I got upset that he had asked someone else to lunch?  That makes me angry.  It also makes sense as to why I never truly forgave him.  He was still trying to punish me for my own feelings.

All these feelings keep flooding back.  All the memories.  I can‘t stop them and I can‘t stop crying.

I hate him for treating me this way.

I have already filled out the paperwork for the divorce.  I am waiting for my attorney to file it.

My husband threatened to divorce me at least a dozen times during our marriage.  He if finally going to get just what he asked for.

get away from him and stay away.

the 14 year old doesn‘t even have to do visitation if he doesn‘t want to.

remember, an order of protection is a piece of paper, similiar to the ones we use on the toilet.

strong locks and an alarm system.

think of this as war.

he has annilated you as a woman and a mother with a newborn.

don‘t let him annilate you financially. get what you need to finish raising the children.

i promise, once you realize how lucky you are, you are gonna relax and enjoy the peace and freedom you will have, without him.