WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SANDRA BROWN, M.A., PSYCHOTHERAPIST, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR & AUTHOR / Can anyone help me understand sexual internet addiction?

My fiance and I have been together for 6 years.  About 1 year ago, I found out he was regularly chatting online with other women and was a member of several sites to meet other women.  He explained that this was only a safe way to explore his fantasies and would never physically act on it.   He promised to stop and told me he cancelled all his memberships and contacts.  I recently innocently discovered that he‘s back in action again.  This led me to do some research and I realized that it‘s a pretty big problem.  He has all kinds of women emailing him and he tells them things about his daily life and makes it sound like he‘s interested in relationships with them.  He talks about meeting them during his business travels.  He tells me that he‘s never met anyone and admits that he has an internet problem.  Our wedding scheduled for next month is definitely off right now.  I am supportive in every way to get help for him, but I realize this is his battle, not mine.  What should I do?

OK, I‘ve been thru this with 3 bf‘s & my now ex-husband. I really do think it can develop into an addiction. This addiction can escalate so that the user needs more stimulation - ex: going from standard vanilla porn to bondage, bestiality, etc. or from hot-chatting to actual physical contact.

The Internet can be a wonderful thing, but it also makes sh!t like this too easy....too available....too addicting.

Patrick Carnes is one of the foremost authorities in the area of sexual addiction. He put out a book a couple years ago called "In the Shadows of the ‘Net" specifically about Intenet sex addiction. Here‘s a link to his website - it has LOTS of good info on it:

http://www.sexhelp.com/

I am glad your wedding is off. Do not even consider marrying this man until you have long-term, solid proof he is no longer engaging in these behaviors. You are right, this is HIS problem. Wanting to understand & help is good, but remember that you cannot change him. HE has to want to do it himself. 

Sex Addicts Anonymous  http://www.saa-recovery.org/

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous  http://www.sca-recovery.org/

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous http://www.slaafws.org/
(you might also check out that one)

He should also see a therapist who SPECIALIZES IN SEXUAL ADDICTION. Can‘t be just any old therapist, they HAVE TO have experience with patients who are overcoming sexual addictions. There‘s a link on Patrick Carnes‘ website to help him find a therapist in your area.

You might want to look into programs for yourself as well. Most likely this isn‘t the 1st guy you‘ve attracted who has this issue. If he is, then you want to make sure you don‘t attract that type again. After sex addict #4, I went to COSA, and it really helped me a lot. Check out:

Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous http://www.cosa-recovery.org/

S-Anon http://www.sanon.org/

If you decide you want to try to be with this man, be prepared for a rough road. If he wants to rebuild your trust, then he‘s going to have to be COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT. No secrets, no hiding sh!t, no deleting the computer history, all passwords available to you, etc. He has to be totally accountable. Will he do that?

Will you ever be able to trust him again?

I will tell you, I left all 4 men over this addiction (& other stuff too). I gave my last bf a choice - me or the porn, webcams, chatrooms, etc. He didn‘t come out & say "YOU" so I accepted his non-answer & said goodbye.

I would never trust any of those men again. I would never knowingly date someone who indulged in Internet porn, AFF, dating websites or any of that crap. If I found out, I would dump him so fast his head would spin. There would be NO going back for me.

As you said in your post - this is his problem. Remember that you can‘t force him into stopping or changing. However, losing YOU may be a catalyast for change....maybe not.

Here is another board where you will find support. It‘s not as busy as this board, but don‘t worry - someone will be along soon to give you support:

http://mothersagainstpornographyaddiction.yuku.com/

I wish you all the best. Remember, he‘s not the only guy in the world. If you decide to dump him, your life will go on, and you might just meet a BETTER man who can be FAITHFUL in ALL WAYS.

Good luck, UB

DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY!

I am married to a man whom I just found out went down the road your fiance is on.  Even if he hasn‘t yet "met" with any of these people - HE WILL.   The addiction is like any other, in that it progresses one step at a time.  And by the time you figure out that he progressed to the "meeting" step you may in fact have been exposed to any number of diseases.

My husband felt that his behavior wasn‘t hurting our son or me.  "It‘s separate, I just like to talk..."

Last month he was fired from his job for "chatting" on restricted sites during work hours - then they searched his computer.  What they found was appalling, no animals or children, but appalling nonetheless.

Because of the nature of his offense - no one told me why he was fired - so I naively believed his explanation.

I caught him this weekend chatting with one of his "friends" and what I now know is horrifying.  He has "hooked-up" with at least 20+ people over the past 4 years - and one of which became a regular because she lives less than a mile from our home!  He would leave work, stop at her house, and then come home to our child and me like the perfect devote husband and father.

THIS IS WHAT SEXUAL ADDICTION BECOMES.