WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SANDRA BROWN, M.A., PSYCHOTHERAPIST, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR & AUTHOR / Need advice about Mother‘s affair

Hello Sandra,

I‘m hoping you can help me and my Dad. As a lot of strain has been caused lately by my mother.

My Mum has been married to my Dad for 38 years and 7 weeks ago she walked out of the house. My Dad tried to give her a kiss on the cheek and she became very angry and left. He was trying to save his marriage. She phoned him 2 hours later from a phonebox to say she would not be coming home and was staying at a friends. My Dad begged her not to as he was worried it was a man friend.

We have had some idea that she might be having an affair for a while. If I asked her where she was going she‘d become very aggressive and wouldn‘t say who with. She‘d go out for 10 hours at a time. Last Xmas I saw her dancing on the spot to music whilst ironing. It was very odd behaviour and out of the ordinary. It was me who guessed through her behaviour that she was having an affair. Anyway of course my Dad asked her and she always denied it. My Dad asked her to swear on the Bible and she did but afterwards screamed in his face and said look what you‘ve made me do.

Well since she walked out I‘ve had no contact from her (her daughter). I came home for a long weekend before Easter and because we were worried about her well being we reported her missing to the police this was after 7 days. They found her and they informed us that she was ok but didn‘t want to come home. I then received a letter through the post with no address or phone number on it basically saying she was ok, would contact me in the future and I need to move on with my life. Well 3 weeks later I still hadn‘t heard and I was home for Easter so we ended up contacting the police again, so many things go around in our heads worrying. Even the policeman said the man‘s conversation with my Dad was very odd. The police found her and managed to persuade her to ring me. We arranged a meet up and a man was with her who had made a pass at her on a Walking Club previously. This is the man we thought she was having an affair with. I sat with her for half an hour. She almost ran to me when she saw me and when I sat with her was stroking my hair from my face. This was most unusual and was looking back at him all the time who was standing nearby. She asked me to bring her clothes and a cell phone for our next meet which was her suggestion for another meet.

I waited for her call a few days later and she was quite dismissive and said she was tired ‘where do you want to meet then?, I‘m not meeting you for long anyway because the only reason why I‘m meeting you is for my cell phone and clothes. I don‘t want you badgering me‘ I confronted her with the feeling that she was just using me and she slammed the phone down on me. She hurt me a great deal and I decided at that pouint to disown her.

I got another letter saying it would be best if we have no contact until after the divorce but no letters have arrived from the solicitors. Also before our meet up my Dad went looking for her where he thought this man lived. The man who made a pass at her came up to my Dad threatening him. He said that my Dad‘s name was mud on the Walking Club. Basically my Mum has been leaving the house fine and then crying on the bus that my Dad is abusing her and hitting her. My Dad was so upset I can‘t explain and so was I and confused. She even said during our meet up that she was going to fetch her things in a police car because she was scared my Dad was going to lock her up in the house. She said he had been controlling her and stopping her from going out. Yet he hadn‘t he‘d only been worried about this other man and the pass. She‘d always been able to do what she wanted. She‘d been out with my Dad too shopping that week and meals out. She‘s lost weight recently and my Dad was worried and the man even blamed my Dad for that!

Throughout the whole of their marriage it has been my Mum shouting and saying cruel things to us e.g she‘s said things like..................‘you might be my daughter but I don‘t like you‘, ‘If I‘d known you were going to be bald and wear glasses I would never have married you‘, ‘I only put my arm around you at your mother‘s funeral (this is to my Dad) because other people expected it but I didn‘t/don‘t love you‘. I‘ve lived away but my relationship fell through because my ex cancelled our wedding and I found out he was abusing me when I spoke to counsellors. I‘m pretty naive to all this stuff and didn‘t know properly what abuse was. I still blame myself because he blamed me for everything but I‘m slowly getting better. My Mum is now using everything that she‘s heard my ex did and throwing it at my Dad.

The problems that she has added on top have made everything worse and can‘t understand why she would be like this to her daughter. I need her support and am moving back home as I‘ve had to sell the house I bought with my ex and have to get a job etc. She has always been jealous of me and any attention at times that I‘ve had from my Dad e.g repairing my car and saying I don‘t appreciate it. She used to say a lot when I was younger and growing up from the age of 10ish  that I wasn‘t a very nice person, a bitch. She used to change when it was just me and my Mum in the house. Told me once when I was 7 that she was going to treat me like her parents treated her. A lot of people have said that she is jealous but I just excused it away. How can a mother be jealous of her daughter? I can‘t comprehend all this.

We went looking again for her and I have a letter to give her that I don‘t want to see her ever again. She‘s caused a lot of dramas over the years. My Dad has done so much to the house that she requested and yet she says to me she has had an awful life. I don‘t understand how a mother does this. I could be dead in a car accident or both me and my Dad she wouldn‘t know only through the police I guess. She took no clothes when she went. He says she is sleeping on the bed and he is on the floor. I feel she is tak8ing em for granted. I‘ve had to deal with my Dad‘s tears now on top of my own mess. I know it was a while back but it still all hurts. My Dad has lost a lot of weight. He even cried when the man confronted him. He said making your wife swear on the Bible is abuse under the new law. If Dad doesn‘t agree to divorce he will swear in court that my Mum was full of bruises because he is an atheist. Dad has to admit he has been physically abusing her.

Please tell me what you think of all this.

Hi

Thanks for both of your replies. My Dad bumped into my mum the other day and told her to give me a ring because I was feeling very low and it was effecting me quite badly. I‘ve heard nothing at all. I‘m astonished at the way she just seems to have discarded us. I‘ve written a letter for her and I‘ve now found out where she is living. I‘m going to try and talk to her and if it gets nowhere I will give her the letter, which explains why i can no longer have her in my life. Half my inheritance will be gone maybe and everything my dad worked for in future retirement. She is so toxic though I just can‘t bear her in my life any longer. It feels like she is destroying me.

I will certainly find the recommended book. Since everything has happened with my ex and now my mother I sometimes feel like I‘m losing my mind. I have massive trust issues.