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| shawnana |
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Posted: 4/25/2008 11:27 AM |
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Subject: Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser? |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 47
Total Posts: 8
key largo
United States
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As I have been writing the long and painful memoir of the abuses in my life, I have noticed that towards the end of my book that I am now an abuser. I have many signs of an abuser myself. I am not sure if this is learned behavior, survival techniques, pent up rage for unjustified abuse over the years or what. Ms. Brown can you shed some light for me? I have noticed my behavior does not turn that way right away, after I have relalized I am in an abusive situation,(well into the relationship) I try to keep the peace. The first sign I know it is coming is my condescending sarcasim I always quote "I am sorry, I will do better, I will try harder" when I bring the issues that make me uncomfortable like for example minimazation of aspirations or feelings. The abuse escalates because I have a diffrent opinion. then the verbal insults come in all form and at all times, the worst being the ones my abuser blindsides me with, like calling me and 15 year old daughter a c. I was so enraged I physically attacted him. However, the two times I did "go after him" he was making terrrible remarks about my daughter. This made me so angry that he would drag an innocent child into an adult converstion that I can honestly say I snapped, that is I dont really recall losing control. afte rthat inceident I began saying the kinds of things to him he was doing to me. In my mind the things he was saying were no where near the truth out and out lies. What I said was the absolute truth!. Example: i stopped for a bite to eat one evening after working a night shift. "He has called me a barfly ever since, and told me I was not HIS kind of girl, I was dirty" That depressed me then it made feel shame and then I got mad and started comparing our behavior. He goes to the bar every single day, and I mean everyday sometimes twice a day when I work at night. i have now become verbally combative, agitated, I destroyed all our pictures and gave them to him. I think I am going crazy, I think they have won my abusers, i am becoming everything they brainwashed me to be. Please shed some light. Also when I removed myself from the relationships my behavior changed. i have a great relationship with all my kids family and friends. That negative abuse is not present in my home when I am alone. i am happy again, no stress about being home from work a bit late ect.
Shawna
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| supermom21664 |
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Posted: 4/26/2008 6:12 AM |
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Subject: Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 44
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Total Posts: 745
Lumberton
Texas
United States
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I am not really sure about this. I guess the victim could become the abuser. Afterall, abuse is a learned behavior.
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| sandrabrown |
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Posted: 4/29/2008 8:00 AM |
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Subject: Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 49
Total Posts: 519
Penrose
North Carolina
United States
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This is a normal reaction from taking WAY TOO MUCH abuse from others. It is pent up anger that has no way to get a legitimate expression because when you try to address it to him, you are not understood. Please go to counseling or a support group so you have atleast one place to vent your frustrations so they don‘t spew out elsewhere. It‘s like a pressure cooker pot--it‘s gotta come out somewhere!
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| rosed1x |
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Posted: 5/13/2008 7:28 PM |
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Subject: Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser? |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 36
Total Posts: 1
Monterey Park
California
United States
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Hi!
I wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Just recently,
I left a guy who was abusive, and yes, I too realized that I started mirroring some of his behavior. I think at that point you feel that enough is enough and you react strongly, and in the same way.
In our case, there was never any physical violence, but I remember snapping and saying things back that would hurt him because he was hurting me soooo badly. (Wait! No...I take that back. I remember I would tell him what I was merely feeling and he would rage. - Because abusive men don‘t want to listen to you, they want you to listen to them.) It‘s more, the fact that I started saying things loudly. Yelling it at him because I was soooo frustrated. (And, yes, yelling is abusive.)
In my case, this was a 6 month relationship in which I saw the red flags waving and his behavior escalating. Now remember, abusive men are very good at making you think that you‘re at fault, so the best thing to do if you are not leaving immediately because he says that he is going to change, is to allow him to try to change, then if he says abusive things one more time, LEAVE! But just give him one more chance if you‘re that stubborn and want to stick around for more abuse.
For your own sake, after this one last time, you will know that you did everything you could.
You see, he would love for you to react and then pin things on you. Don‘t you know everything is already your fault anyway in the mind of an abuser? There is no way out of it. So....as soon as you see/hear him start up again you need to get out.
Anyway, getting back to the point, yes, it is possible to start mirroring and you will get in a cycle of doing it like a tennis game (as long as you feel that you can change him and that the relationship is going to get better with you there.- sorry but that‘s not going to happen.)
Stop the behavior yourself. You can only change what you do.
Been there.
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| sandrabrown |
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Posted: 5/17/2008 8:47 AM |
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Subject: Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 49
Total Posts: 519
Penrose
North Carolina
United States
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The other issue is that sometimes from long term exposure, you begin to normalize abnormal behavior. This is why I lecture women about the ‘quality‘ of their relationships because the long you are around sick people, the sicker you become.
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| lorrie |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 8:09 AM |
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Subject: Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 7
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Total Posts: 7505
georgetown
Cayman Islands
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Mirroring behavior, does the victim learn to be the abuser?
YES, I WAS QUITE AFRAID OF MY FATHER AND LATER I BECAME HIM.
HE HAD HORRID DRUNKEN RAGES.
i stopped drinking to break the cycle. hopefully i can get lucy to a better place in her loves and life. i can show her what not to accept or get used to.
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