WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SANDRA BROWN, M.A., PSYCHOTHERAPIST, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR & AUTHOR / do I tell him I love him?

You‘re married. He‘s married. This is a no brainer.

Sorry, but you‘re not going to get a lot of sympathy on this site from the members. Most of us are here because of cheating and/or abusive spouses or boyfriends.

You, my dear, are a cheater. You are cheating with a cheater. Plain & simple.

I KNOW what it‘s like to be in an unhappy marriage, and to want to look for something outside that bad relationship to make me happy. I was married to an abusive, alcoholic man for a long time. I developed a crush on a man who, thank God, was decent enough to gently say "no" to me, and guide me in the direction of getting help for myself, which eventually lead to me leaving the marriage. It took a long time for me to get out of it, but I finally did.

If you are unhappy in yor marriage, then end it. You don‘t think your kids know what‘s going on? They notice & understand much more than you think. Your husband might know too. I hope you will do the right thing.

Maybe Sandra will have something helpful for you.

UB

Well, I can‘t offer anything that someone else hasn‘t already said...

Don‘t stay in a marriage just for the sake of your children, and although it is already too late to offer this piece of advice, don‘t cheat on your husband.  It‘s undignified, and it‘s a really ****ty way to treat someone.  If the marriage is so far gone that you have to look elsewhere, either work on reviving the marriage with fidelity and some serious marital counseling - or get a divorce. 

And don‘t tell me it isn‘t that easy, or that it‘s complicated.  It is not really that complicated. 

Affairs are selfish.  Using a man for his money (your husband) is extremely selfish and unethical.  And yes, it probably would be very hard on your children to have their family break up, but divorces can be negotiated, and can work to the benefit of children.  Divorce is alot more honest than an affair.

Everyone is right that children are far more observant than we think they are, and that they are not completely fooled. 

Your behavior is hurting everyone involved.  You need to make a decision.  I wish you well in making it.

if you have been with him so long and know him so well, don‘t you have a clue what  his reation will be already?

sounds like you think you will breaking the rules to reveal your feelings.

i think you want to have him commit to you so you don‘t have to face the destruction you are doing.

he is not the majic wand to erase all your mistakes in life and even if he felt both of you should leave your marriages it will take years for you to be together in any healthy way.

clean your own house first.