WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK DR. WOMANSAVER / Addicted

Before I got with my husband I almost never thought about sex and could go long periods without it. After living with him for 3 and a half years and having sex almost every day, many times more than once, I think I am a sex addict. We have been separated for over 3 months and I am so libidinous I almost can‘t stand it. He committed adultery with over 3 women, we separated and are getting a divorce. He still has his bimbos, I have my pillow to cry in.

Is there any way to turn it off, without doing the obvious? Since we are still married I would consider that adultery.

Andree

Start focusing on yourself, your divorce, and getting yourself back. Don‘t waste time thinking about how great or frequent the sex was with him. He‘s spreadin‘ that all over the place now - big ole man-ho!

If you really need to take the edge off, get a new vibrator & use that at home. DON‘T bring it to work!

As a woman recovering from multiple addictions, I can tell you that something is an addiction if it causes negative consequences & damages your relationships. I think you are more likely addicted to HIM & all the stuff that comes with him, including the sex.

The best cure for that is NO CONTACT. I think you said you work at the same place? Is there any way to transfer or avoid seeing him? Do your best to steer clear of him & concentrate on yourself.

Great sex does not mean a great relationship, as you know. I‘ve had some great lovers who were BAD MEN. I swore off them!

Abstinence isn‘t all that bad! You‘ll get used to not having sex, and you can put that energy into other constructive uses. If you really feel like it‘s an issue, you can look into some 12-step programs. They are located in almost every state & the meetings are free:

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous:  http://www.slaafws.org/

Sex Addicts Anonymous:  http://saa-recovery.org/

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous: http://www.sca-recovery.org/

It would be best if you attend WOMEN ONLY meetings, if possible. But if there are only mixed meetings, that‘s fine. Just stick with the WOMEN.

Good luck!

UB

I could never get off using a vibrator, it just don‘t work for me. When I was in the Army Nurses Corps stationed in Iraq I tried it, no luck. I‘ve only enjoyed sex with 2 men, the last being my husband. He could satisfy me every time. Thinking it over, it is him I miss rather than just sex. I still love him and hate him at the same time and I guess I hate myself for that.

I do work at the same place as him but on different shifts. I transferred to the ER on the midnight shift. I have only seen a few times and not spoken to him at work since we separated.

I would be to embarrassed to go to such a meeting. I could never do that. The only way I‘ll ever be happy again is if I meet someone I love as much as my husband. That is going to be hard because right not I don‘t trust anyone.

I could never get off using a vibrator, it just don‘t work for me. When I was in the Army Nurses Corps stationed in Iraq I tried it, no luck.

Your body changes as you get older. If you are really 29, you‘re getting close to your peak. Before I hit 30, I could never get off thru oral sex. once I hit 30 - POW!!! It was like the floodgates opened! You might want to give vibes or other toys a try again, or use your hands.

Thinking it over, it is him I miss rather than just sex. I still love him and hate him at the same time and I guess I hate myself for that.

It‘s normal to feel that way. It‘s the self-hate that is the most dangerous for you tho. Have you considered therapy?

I would be to embarrassed to go to such a meeting. I could never do that.

Surely you did some studying of addiction in your nursing program? The 12-step model isn‘t for everyone, but it has a very high success rate in general. As a healthcare professional, I would think you would be more open to something like a 12-step meeting.

The only way I‘ll ever be happy again is if I meet someone I love as much as my husband.

If you really think that way, then you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt & heartache. YOU need to be happy with YOURSELF 1st! You don‘t need a man to COMPLETE you!  A man doesn‘t complete you, but he should COMPLIMENT you.

That is going to be hard because right not I don‘t trust anyone.

That is also normal. You should stay away from men for a long time. As I said before, concentrate on yourself - get your divorce done, get some therapy, go thru some self-growth, take care of YOU. You need to be healthy, happy & comfortable in your own skin before you will even begin to attract a person capable of a healthy relationship.

I wish you well.

UB

I confided in a female doctor at work. I had not been able to sleep more than 2 hours a day for over a month. I didn‘t want to use sleeping pills but she convinced me it would be best. She thought that most of my problems could be caused by lack of sleep. I started taking Sonata, one pill at bedtime. The first night I slept for 7 hours without waking up. I‘m feeling 100% better, not sure if it is because I‘m sleeping a lot more or the tranquilizing effect of the medication.

The only problem is, the doctor will only let me take it for 3 weeks, Zonata should not be used as a permanent solution. I hate taking drugs, I‘ve seen a lot of people ruin their lives with drugs. In my profession, Rx drugs are easy to obtain and a lot of nurses get hooked on them. If my problems come back after I stop the drug, I‘ll look into counseling. I know 2 nurses where I work that are in counseling. The work is very stressful to some. Since I‘ve seen 100 times worse when I was USANC, working here does not stress me at all.

Andree

"If my problems come back after I stop the drug, I‘ll look into counseling."

You are divorcing your husband, you are losing a relationship with someone you loved. That problem is not going to go away by using drugs. I understand you do need to sleep, but I worry about side effects & potential addiction. 

Talking with a counselor might help you work thru the myriad of feelings - loss, sorrow, anger, grief, etc. - that you will feel for quite a while. It is natural & normal to feel those things. It is not healthy to block or mask them with drugs (or other behaviors). 

Drugs don‘t fix things. They just mask the symptoms. I know, because I self-medicated with booze, pot & a lot of other drugs for nearly 20 years.

When I finally decided to quit & get sober, those long-buried feelings & traumas were still there. Only now I had to deal with them & work thru them myself (with the help of AA, my sponsor, and therapy).

But, what do I know? I‘m not the healthcare professional here. I just worry when people turn to drugs or things outside them to try to feel better. I do wish you well, and take care.

UB

I have not turned to drugs as a permanent solution, only an aid to get me over this rough spot. Not sleeping was amplifying my problems. While laying awake, my mind was amplifying my problems and I feel, blowing then out of proportion. Like I said, it is only a three week or less solution, I have been feeling so much better now, I am almost like my old self.

Believe me I know how easy it is used to get hooked on drugs. One place where I worked, half the nurses and doctors were on drugs. I don‘t know how they avoided getting caught, if I could spot them so could others. Stress gets to some people and they can‘t handle it, that makes them easy targets for drugs. I‘ve always been able to cope with my problems until this came along. Not sleeping might have been the real problem all along.

Thanks for your concern, You have helped me keep everything in perspective and I hope life is better for you now that in the past.

Andree