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| maramara |
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Posted: 1/23/2012 8:59 PM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 2
west palm beach
United States
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We have been married not for too long, almost 3 years, we have a beautiful baby girl. We have or had a good and strong marriage, we get along, I used to feel so loved by him, I wouldn‘t care if he has the most beautiful woman by his side, because i never had any doubt about his love for me.
Any ways, not too long ago, he was working really hard. Nothing really new about that, I‘m used to his kind of work and i know how it is.
It was just (and I know a lot of you would agree on this) sometimes you can tell when something is up, you can smell it from far.
I still wanted to believe I‘m just a crazy woman!! But when i saw his texts in between him and a co-worker I learned I‘m not crazy...
I talked to him right away, he swears on god, nothing ever happened, nothing not a kiss not sex, not nothing besides what he defined as "flirty messages"
Beg for my forgiveness, and after we have talk it a hundred times, we made the decision to work things out.
I cant complain, the guy spends as much as he can with us, he is not the kind of person that goes anywhere without me, (and i hate and feel bad to say it) I check his cellphone almost every day, and his email inbox, I check the cell phone records every day too, and nothing, no texts or anything bad anymore, Of course they kind of work together, but she does it in another office, she stills e mails him, i have go through all of those e mails, and every thing is just normal work stuff.
The problem is me. I love him. But i can not really forgive him, i cant stop thinking about it. I don‘t believe when he says nothing ever happened. I also feel that nothing is going on anymore, but I feel so hurt, I cant move on.
How I can move on???
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| supermom21664 |
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Posted: 1/24/2012 10:25 PM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 46
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Total Posts: 1529
BFE
Texas
United States
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First he needs to be no contact with the coworker. Period. Marriage counseling is a must for ya‘ll. Individual counseling for both of you. Please remember this: Once trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild it. HE broke the trust NOT YOU> He must rebuild it and it will not happen overnight.
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| maramara |
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Posted: 1/25/2012 7:49 PM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 2
west palm beach
United States
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| supermom21664 wrote: | |
First he needs to be no contact with the coworker. Period. Marriage counseling is a must for ya‘ll. Individual counseling for both of you. Please remember this: Once trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild it. HE broke the trust NOT YOU> He must rebuild it and it will not happen overnight.
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I know!!! that was the first thing i told him: she must go!!...but is not an option...she wont leave...
I have think about counseling, but he wants to pretend nothing is wrong, that we don‘t have any problems... he gets really defensive if I bring up the subject...
He is really trying to rebuild my trust, he tries to tell me what he‘s doing all the time...even if she has been at work he tells me!! The problem is I cant let it go, I cant stop thinking about it,
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| supermom21664 |
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Posted: 1/25/2012 8:43 PM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 46
Total Posts: 1529
BFE
Texas
United States
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| maramara wrote: |
| supermom21664 wrote: | | First he needs to be no contact with the coworker. Period. Marriage counseling is a must for ya‘ll. Individual counseling for both of you. Please remember this: Once trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild it. HE broke the trust NOT YOU> He must rebuild it and it will not happen overnight. |
I know!!! that was the first thing i told him: she must go!!...but is not an option...she wont leave...
I have think about counseling, but he wants to pretend nothing is wrong, that we don‘t have any problems... he gets really defensive if I bring up the subject...
He is really trying to rebuild my trust, he tries to tell me what he‘s doing all the time...even if she has been at work he tells me!! The problem is I cant let it go, I cant stop thinking about it,
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what he is doing is called rug sweeping. Sweep the dirt under the rug and no one will see it. The fact taht he gets defensive when you bring up his infidelity, and yes it is infidelity, is NOT a good sign. The fact that SHE will not go is another bad sign. My infidelity radar says that they are still carring on. There can not be three people in a marriage. So my question is this: Are you willing to compromise your morals and your potential health for someone like this man?
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| Sunny fl |
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Posted: 1/26/2012 3:21 PM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 40
Total Posts: 5647
sunshine and daisies
Wyoming
United States
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| maramara wrote: |
| supermom21664 wrote: | | maramara wrote: | | supermom21664 wrote: | | First he needs to be no contact with the coworker. Period. Marriage counseling is a must for ya‘ll. Individual counseling for both of you. Please remember this: Once trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild it. HE broke the trust NOT YOU> He must rebuild it and it will not happen overnight. |
I know!!! that was the first thing i told him: she must go!!...but is not an option...she wont leave...
I have think about counseling, but he wants to pretend nothing is wrong, that we don‘t have any problems... he gets really defensive if I bring up the subject...
He is really trying to rebuild my trust, he tries to tell me what he‘s doing all the time...even if she has been at work he tells me!! The problem is I cant let it go, I cant stop thinking about it, |
what he is doing is called rug sweeping. Sweep the dirt under the rug and no one will see it. The fact taht he gets defensive when you bring up his infidelity, and yes it is infidelity, is NOT a good sign. The fact that SHE will not go is another bad sign. My infidelity radar says that they are still carring on. There can not be three people in a marriage. So my question is this: Are you willing to compromise your morals and your potential health for someone like this man? |
Well, she wont go, because the people who own the place wont let her go, plus she is a good worker, i know because years ago we all used to work together. She makes good money, and they let her have a really nice schedule. She also is married, and have children. Anyways, my husband talked with the owners so she doesn‘t work at the same office. She also at some point contacted me and told me she wont work with my husband anymore and some other b.s. about how sorry she is, and that nothing happened.
In the other side, my husband and I have talk about a lot, but you really think that in order to move on, I should keep bringing and bringing the subject up over and over?.
I tell him a lot of times he‘s more than welcome to leave, the door is always open, but do not stay cheating on me. Do not stay wasting my time!! He‘s the one who is making the choice to be with me, according to him because how much he loves me and how bad he feels about what happened.
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You have to give yourself time. It doesn‘t happen over night, This is a pain that sticks with you. You will be having a great day and see something on tv or hear something in a song and you will think about her, him. Only you can decide if he is worth forgiving, if your marriage is worth the pain.
When it came down to it for me, I couldn‘t forgive. Oh I tried for a long time.
Oneday, you will quit checking his email, quit checking his phone records, but for now if it helps you do it!
Good luck to you. Focus on healing you. Oh and if he wants you to forgive him, it doesn‘t matter if you wake him up at 3 am to ask him a question about the situation. He will answer, honest and right then.
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| mizzloo |
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Posted: 2/23/2012 12:53 AM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 36
Total Posts: 1
big bear city
California
United States
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moving on seems impossible....until you are finally able to ....time is slow to heal...but I trust it will....someday
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| old crone |
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Posted: 3/26/2012 12:40 PM |
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Subject: is not him, its me... |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 55
Total Posts: 14
Toronto
Canada
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Hi Mara. I know exactly how you feel even though it‘s been over a decade since I was in your shoes. It is so gut wrenching.
The advice I would give is take time. Breaking up a marriage, never mind a family, is a life changing decision. Living in a marriage without trust is a life of hurt. Don‘t feel like you have to make a decision quickly. You are in the middle of a crisis and probably not in the best frame of mind to necessarily make the best decision. I guess what I‘m trying to say is don‘t panic. Breath. Start a journal and write down your thoughts and the conversations you have. It really helps.
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