WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / The whole story... I would really appreciate any advice!

Hello again... I have already posted a short version of my problem but I thought maybe posting the whole story would be better. I really appreciate any comment.

My husband and I met in 2001. I was raised in Germany, and he was a soldier stationed in Germany. We fell in love and everything was perfect, a true fairytale. In August of 2001 we got married and soon after we moved to Texas. Our son was born in June 2002, we were a happy little family. Well, after moving back to Germany (the Army moved us a couple of times), my husband has received orders to go to Iraq. This was in 2004. It was a terrible time and over in Iraq he became an true alcoholic. After his 16 months of being in war, he returned home as a total stranger; isolated, drinking all the time, etc. We had a lot of problems and a lot of fights. His alcohol problem became worst from day to day, we split up, got back together... Finally I could not take it no more. I tried to help him by going to counseling that the army provided but nothing helped. We seperated. After a couple of month he was discharged from the military and had to leave Germany, that was in March 2006. I did not go with him, even though he asked me to. For about 1 1/2 years we did not had any contact. One day I decided to get a hold of him. Well, we were still married and had a son together. After getting up with him, we talked more often over the phone. One day he told me he never stopped loving me and our son and that he has changed, is not drinking no more, and if we could give it another shot and be a family again. I knew he had a girlfried (this is THE woman) and I also knew that they were running a business, which ws in her name. He told me he would close the business and quit her for me. I thought about it and finally agreed. I never did stop loving him. Anyway, on February 18th, today two years ago, I and our son came to the United States. I gave everything up in Germany. He was still in the business but swore that he quit HER. Well, I believed it. His dad and him shut down the business a few months later. Than the problems really started. SHE kept calling at his parents, followed him, etc. He told me it was all about money, and again I believed him! Well, the calls and stalking quit, and everything seemed normal. I got me a job, and my husband (a retired Verteran) took care of our son, well at least I thought so. Sometimes when money was rare, he helped out a buddy, nightshift! At first when he went to WORK (that is what he called it), he just stayed a night and was back next morning and also had money. So I did not think that anything was going on. After a while he WORKED two nights, and three nights, and so on. I have got suspicous, there was no way to reach him, and most of the time I had this funny feeling that something is wrong. Well, after one day he went to WORK again, and was gone for about 4 days and nights, he called in the late evening and told me that he is waiting to get paid, and that he misses us so much. He also told me that he was offered a part time job there and that they would give him a truck to drive... I asked him when he would be nack home and he said he didn‘t know. I told him that I missed him and I wat for him to come home. That was on October 16th 2009. He came home at around 11 PM that night. We sat and talked. He wore a shirt I have never seen, I asked him about it, and he said it was one of the guys he worked with. We went to bed and before we went to sleep he told me that he would have to leave early to get his money. He got up that morning at 4 AM, got in his clothes, kissed me and told me he loved me and left, he did not brush his teeth and nothing. I looked out of the window and he drove away in a SUV. Than I knew something is not right. I knew that was not a company truck. I waited a while and thatn called HER house, of course as a private caller. HE DID ANSWER HER PHONE. Oh, before I go on, I knew that SHE was pregnant, and I even asked him if he is still seeing her and if the baby is his; he always denied still seeing her and of course he denied that the baby is his. After the first call, I hang up. I called again, he answered and I said his name, he hang up. So, I called her at work. She is a nurse and works night shift. I told her who I am. SHE did not even no I was married to him. She knew about me, but thought I am just some woman. I asked her what my husband is doing at her house, and she told me that they are together and have been, and that he is living there. Well, after talking to her, he called, crying. I named him everyhting on earth and told him to go to hell. After that I found out all the details. His whole family (mom, dad, brothers, etc.) knew about it. Everybody did lie to me and kept it from me. I was so hurt and angry. A few days went by and he called and appologized, told me he is so sorry. Again I asked him if it is his baby and he said he did not know. Well, about two weeks later, after begging me to allow him to come back home, he came back home. Of course I gave him hell. A week later he sneaked off while I was in a evening class. Again I was hurt. He start calling again, telling me he missed us, and that he loved me,... I told him that I would come and get him, but he said no she is not at work, etc. He came back again. This time he stayed..., well, at least a little. He came home with one of her vehicles. It came Thanksgiving, and than shortly after Christmas. Of course SHE called and even came by MY house. He turned the ringer off on the phone and did not answer. One day, December 28th 2009, we was just about to head out, he got real nervous as I came out the house to get in the car. I had a trashbag in my hand and was about to take it to the garbage can. HE told me to just let it go and to get in the car. I told him to stop acting like that. I head towards mailbox... and there, across the road SHE was. I went back to the car and said "well, now I know why you acted that way. We start heading out and she followed us. I asked him what she wants, and he said well, probable her car, which was parked at his parents place. We went on, and thatn he asked me if I would get mad if he stopped and talked to her. I said, "Well,...". HE stopped, but before that he asked me to stay in the car, because he would not want a big fight in front of our son. So, I stayed in the car, while he went to talk to her after we pulled of the road. He got back in and said that she wants her car back. Arrived at his parents, he asked his brother to follow him with our car to HER house. His brother did. After about 2 hours his brother came back, my husband did not. His brother told me, he said that he would want to spend time with the baby, and he would call for someone to pick him up... He did not call that day. I left his parents house with the message for him to screw himself. Two days later he called, asking if I could please come and get him. I told him I did not know why I should come and get him... We argued and that I said, yeah, Iwill come and get you now. And than he said, well, can we wait until SHE is at work.... I hang up on him. He called every day. Well, than on January 6th, after he has been gone again almost 2 weeks, me and our son was at his parents house and he showed up. I ignored him. After a while he asked if he could talk to me. We went outside and talked. He said that he is so sorry, that he loves me and wants to be with me, only me. He said he wants to work it out. At first I told him that I do not think that I would want to, but I do love him, so I finally gave in. Well, he is home with us. He isn‘t answering her calls, and he is pretty much with us the most time. Well, the day before yesterday he was gone. So I tried to find him. Finally, he came driving from HER direction. I went crazy. He said that he did not see her, that he met HER sister and that she asked if he would like to see the baby, he agreed and met at WalMart. We had a big fight. I told him I did not believe a word. He said he is telling the truth. I don‘t know what to do anymore. I am really about to go crazy. I don‘t have anybody to talk with. The worst thing is that our son, 7 years old, is the victim. He always gets to see whats going on, all the fights, and all the argueing. Sometimes I really don‘t even care if I live or die. I am so hurt and so angry and I know that I am ruin my little boy, but I also know that I love my husband, well at least I think I do. I just want my family and for us to be happy. But I don‘t know if that is possible after everything that happend. Every day I am afraid that I will grt dissapointed and hurt. And of course I am afraid for my boy. Please everybody, tell me your opinion, no matter if it is negative. I really need someone to talk to and someone to understands.

Thank you all.

Once Albert Einstein said: We cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

I am really sorry that you are going through this turbulance yo-yo relationship with your husband.

You cannot change your husband and make him the person you want him tobe. But you have power to change your way of thinking, I know it is very had to do so specially when your feelings involved.

You cannot continue on what is going on rest of your life with him. More that you will take him in more he will continue to do so until you take charge and stop taking him in....i can see, in every couple weeks he is doing the same thing one way or the other and creating a drama rather then building his relationship with you and your son.

 Let him go off of your life and make a strong point that you are not going to take him back. Have your space away from him and stay with your son . NO contact what so ever. He needs to learn that it will not be easy going back with you. If he loved his family he should not do this those things to you and your son and to other person. Be strong and change your plan, change your life., and ask yourself do you want to do this game rest of your life with him?

i wish you better tomarrows with your son and with your life

peace

summer

Jcombs:  Could you do us a favor?  Could you break your posts down into paragraphs to make them easier to read?  I had a hard time following your entire post.

Of what I have read, this poses one question for me:

Why oh why do people not get divorced before they begin new relationships?

I totally understand why you chose to stay in Germany when you discovered your husband had become a serious alcoholic.  Good for him that he has quit drinking.

It‘s bad for you that he hooked up with someone new while still married to you, and started another family.  It‘s worse that he continues to lie to you - about everything.  That is too insulting for words.

You cannot trust him.  You will never be able to trust or believe anything he tells you.  He has disrespected you in the worst way possible, and if it was me, I‘d file for divorce, and hit him up for alimony and child support besides.  I would make sure I did it before she hits him up for child support, and with his money, I would start a new life.

I am sorry.  I know it is devastating to you and to your son, and that it‘s a raw deal.  You deserve better than this dirtbag after sacrificing so much to be with him.

J, this man is known to us women as a cakeeater. Simply meaning he want his cake and to be able to eat it also. He is stringing you and the other lady along.

Stop enabling him to do this. You need to file for child support for YOUR child b efore the other woman does it. Take your power back from him. Seek legal advice about your rights.