WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / I need help and advice

This may be a long one so Ill apologize at the start but it may take a while to explain and I  definitely need advice. I met my current boyfriend 9 years ago at work and we dated for about 2 years. There were obvious red flags but at the time I just didnt see them, after the fact of course it was obvious. He lives in a separate town but only about 15minutes away from me. Apparently while he was dating me he also had a girlfriend that he had apparently been dating for 7 years. I found out when he was making excuses for this trip to see distant relatives Id never even heard about in Michigan. Started doing some detective work on my own and found out he was at the beach with his girlfriend of 7 years. I broke up with him although multiple times he would show up at my door,call send cards.For months this went on. I dated other people and he ended up back with girlfriend number one. 2 years later he is single again and so am I. He starts calling again and wants another chance, he says he has changed etc etc. I laughed at first,it took forever to get over what he had done, I didnt know if I could trust him again ever  but guess what I did it again. This time we have been dating for about 5 years . He has a separate apartment but stays at my house 4-5 days a week and goes home for 2-3. We are not engaged,he lives here only part time and thats been an issue, no progress at all in relationship.I really want to trust him but over the years and most recently there have been sporadic red flags.When I question anything that seems perfectly legitimate the conversation gets all turned around and Im the one who is crazy,non trusting etc etc.  Here are some of the red flags over the last year or so-I used to work nite shift and whenever id leave for work hed tell me he was going up to a friends. This seemed to be all the time and he would call me at work late to tell me he was home -like 3-4am. I happened to run into the friends wife  and she asked how my boyfriend was,said she hasnt seen him in months. His excuse was that friends wife works nite shift sometimes and wouldnt even know he was there.I cant imagine her husband not saying anything and he has 2 kids that need to go to school in the morning- It just didnt make sense,but it seemed that he was able to come up with some kind of halfway legitimate type excuse for everything. When things started not adding up I decided to try to figure out where he was going.  He wasnt home but his car was there. Looks like hes being picked up. He no longer uses the going to the friend as an excuse since the last incident. Now the excuse is pool league on tues nite and go out to eat with my dad on wed- Im not invited to either, thats his time period.He calls when he gets home and sometimes it is well after the bar closes. Our sex life has taken a turn for the worse over the last few months as well-he says he is having some erectile dysfunction- he is 50. So sex is about once a month now. He says viagra is too expensive- Im not a guy but cmon........wouldnt you want things to work? He brings his laundry here and usually washes it himself- I washed clothes on Valentines day and thought Id be nice and wash his- I found a tshirt and a pair of what appears to be semen stained underwear in a separate bag. Big red flag- we havent had sex in over a month and he wouldnt be taking dirty underwear with him. Hell have some excuse that will make me feel like Im not seeing this right. I need to actually catch him because it seems there he can give a reason for everything. I didnt approach him about the underwear- its been hard to act normal- Its been really hard to establish trust this time and all of this isnt helping- am I being paranoid or just blind to the obvious.

Oh please, please,don‘t do what I did. Before I was married, I was lied to but I overlooked it and overlooked it. We‘re married and I‘ve been doing the same thing. It just gets worst. They‘re like magicians. They‘ll distract you with one had and the other one behind their back is up to no good.

The way it starts out is the way its going to end. I heard that too and ignored it. I had to go through what I went through but I beg you, unless this man has a golden ---- and can walk on water, I‘d say seek out greener pastures... Don‘t waste time, your youth, your emotional energy. You don‘t have that much invested right now. Don‘t dig yourself in deeper.

Of course advice is easier to give than to take. God do I know it!!! When the heart is involved, nothing is simple. We‘re with you.

What kind of phone does he have and whose name is it in? If it is in your name, you can possibly track him with it. I know you can with Cingular/AT&T. Log on to your account and go to Manage Features. There is a listing there toward the bottom called Family Track You can track 2 or up to 5 people at a charge of 9.99 to 14.99. Here‘s what their info says:

With AT&T Family Map you can know where your kids are at any time, so that you can feel more comfortable as they become more independent. AT&T FamilyMap allows you to check where your children are from your PC or your cell phone and request location updates at any time or receive scheduled updates like when they are supposed to be arriving home from school.

I do not know if this will work with other carriers.

Here‘s the thing.  You know he is lying and sneaking around.  How much more proof do you need?  You need to ask yourself if that is enough to break things off with him.  I know many of us want solid proof of whatever is going on.  I say confront him and watch him dance.  I bet a twenty that he lies, denies and turns things around on you.

Good luck with catching Mr Sneaky Pants.