WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / of course he won‘t man up

I will be married for 25 years this year. We have been together for 30. We moved to our current town 10 years ago. Prior to that we lived 15 years in a different state. A couple of years ago our daughter caught hubby on a dating website. It devastated her. She showed it to me and I continued to monitor the activity. Only emails, looking. No meeting. I figured he was lonely since I was in school full time, working full time, and helping our daughter (she has had mental issues since she was 4 and coping is very difficult for her).

I finished school and continued working. In 2008 due to illness he could no longer work at his current career. At times he was in so much pain he could not function. He applied for SSDI but to date that has not been approved. I decided to help make ends meet I took up an extra job (we lost $3000/mth when he stopped working).

I still kept an eye on his emails just because I wanted to know that he was not still trying something. He got an email in August from a woman who he apparently knew from the last town we lived in. Then the texts started coming in. Hindsight is always 20/20. I continued working cause I really did not suspect anything and we really needed the money since paying bills have become extrememly difficult.

We both have facebook accounts and know eachother‘s log in. We play games,etc. Ths past Christmas, I logged into what I thought was his account. WRONG! He had a secret account and on it was this huge letter from that woman in the other town professing her love and how she is going to leave her husband. She told my husband if anything changed she was there for him. While I am reading this she started chatting. I proceeded to talk to her as though she was talking to my husband. This went on for over 4 hours. She laughed and promised she would never let his wife know about them, the wonderful sex  they had and how much she misses him. She then proceeded to talk about how they met up 2 months before this past Christmas and how wonderful the sex was and how funny it was that they were both married having sex and that she did not regret it. She did tend to go into detail of the relationship and how they had so much fun "taking lunch" together. She apparently knew all the details about me and my daugher. After  4 hours or so of this conversation, I let her know that it was indeed me she was talking to and not my husband. then I had to listen to her for 2 hours about how sorry she was and that she would get out of our lives forever.

Hell has no fury..... 

I have done some checking and talked to some of hubby co-workers from the years we lived away. One guy informed me that the affair did occur and lasted for at least a year and a half that he knew of. Since both she and my husband left the employer at about the same time he did not know what happened after that. He did ask me why I was looking into something from so many years ago and I told him that they had met back up again.

I looked through the phone records and found that hubby‘s cell phone pinged in an area that was not where he said he was on a particular day, half way between where we live now and where we lived then. I found only 3 times he called her but it appears that she knows when I am working and she would call him. There was over 1000 text messages in a 3 month span when he normally would have about 100. She said through the 6 hour conversation that he crushed her feelings a month prior to Christmas.

So, here is the delima. I confronted him about the date his phone was pinging in a place it should not have. This was a day I was working over 18 hours. I asked him about her and he said he did not know who I was talking about. When I gave him a copy of the love letter he said she was only a friend and she is just a crazy person. He denies an affir even occurred. I have been trying to get the phone text messages. The account is in my name only and the phone company will not give me the list of who called/texted my phone. I need a supeona. I have asked for a preservation of the phone records until I can get them.

I printed out the 25 pages of the conversation and mailed them to her husband along with the love letter. Sent it restricted mail. I know that he got it from the retruned reciept.

In the process of trying to contact her husband, I contacted his mother she played 20 questions and did not want to tell him to call me till I told her why, so I did and she laughed and told me that I was nuts (I mailed the love letter to her too).

Can anyone give advice on how I can get these phone records? I did try local law enforcement because I am concerned about the number of calls coming into a phone that I pay for. Remember he is not working and has no income what so ever. I am considering filing for divorce to get the records and then once I read them I will decide whether to persue the divorce or not. If he honestly told her to stay away I don‘t know what I am going to do. She did say that he loves me and not her but to me what he did was not showing he loves me when all I have done for the pst 25 years is care for him and make his needs come 1st.

It sickens me when I think about what he did and what I was going through with my daughter at that time (she was abused by a daycare worker and developed PTSD and depression) she has had to struggle all her life and is now doing very well. A divorce would probably devastate her, expecially when she finds out why.

Please give me your thoughts.

I agree with Busty.  He doesn‘t work, he doesn‘t contribute, he lies to you, and he cheats, and talks to other women on the cell phone that you pay for.  I would kick his ass out.  You sure don‘t need to be carrying his dead weight.

I am sorry that this has happened to you.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!  You deserve so much better than this.  It‘s damn tough to put all those years into a marriage and have this happen.

I don‘t know that it does any good to dig up cell phone records and more "evidence."  You already know what you know, and all that will do is increase your emotional pain and your fury.  You have been through enough already.

I‘d probably walk out and dump him with the bills.  Or kick him out and rent out a room with a roommate who will help you pay expenses.  I am sure sorry you are going through this.

Illness or no illness, he is a cheater and a liar.  He‘s in too much pain to work, but not too much to carry on an affair?  I‘d boot him.  I understand you fear the toll it will take on your daughter.  I‘d be fearful, too.  But one lesson she‘ll get out of it is that no one should stand for being mistreated and that it‘s perfectly right to stand up for yourself.

I‘d cancel that cell phone he uses.  Hell if I‘d pay for him to talk to another chickie.  There wouldn‘t be internet in your home if you didn‘t pay for it, so I‘d lock him out of the computer, too. 

Let me add that I do not do any of the work around the house (cook, clean, etc). This is now his job. Each day when I come home the house is clean, dishes are done laundry is put away.

In the state we live in, if I leave it is abandonment and I have to pay him. If he is booted out since he has no income I have to pay him. I work for a very large cooperation and in a high paying postion. I am not about to give him one red cent. A lawyer at work told me to wait until his money comes in (which should be less than a year), then when I file, he will have to give half of it to me (which means I will get no less than 30K).

I will no longer help him with his illness, I no longer go with him to his appointments, help him complete papers, etc.

But I need to phone records because they will certainly show more than just a chat history and a love letter. I have found myself distancing from him more and more each day. He knows I know the truth but he just won‘t admit it.

So you are saying you would have to pay him alimony?

I think there are ways around the "abandonment issue."  People divorce people every day.  Extramarital affairs are pretty good grounds.  In my state, it‘s no fault, so there could be 10 affairs and it wouldn‘t matter. 

It sounds like you‘re getting your ducks lined up.  Good luck with this.

Kick his sorry ass to the curb. Downsize to what YOU can afford on YOUR salary.

BTW, if he was in SO much pain how in hell did he carry on an affair??? This is what I would be asking that POS.

I have downsized already to what I can afford this is why I work as I do. I live less than pay check to pay check just to get by. I no longer have  3 vehicles only 2 so now he has no way to get out unless I am not working. He doesn‘t dare ask for the car.

Yes I would have to pay alimony. That is how this state works. I did check with others and found out that was so.

As far as the pain, it waxes and wanes.....some good days and some bad. This is why he cannot work, an employer is not going to hire an unreliable person.

Still trying to get the phone records.

I find it unreal that you would have to pay any alimony if he has been unfaithful. Check the laws again. Look online. See if you can meet with an attorney at no cost for a consult. If it is a no-fault divorce, over the arguing or whatever, then I would see the alimony if he has no job. However, the unfaithful party should not be paid if it a divorce due to that.

I live in an equitable distribution state. That means the judge decides what is fair. A woman‘s household cleaning is taken into account. Do not let him continue to do all of the housework. He could use that against you. You do your stuff and tell him he can do his. If he has consulted an attorney, his lawyer has advised him to do housework and he is keeping a record of it.

Do not give him any cash. if you are sharing a bank account, you need to stop. Do not let him be authorized on your credit cards.

As far as getting the phone records, you should not have any issues if they are in your name. The content of text messages is usually un-getable, though. If you have print-outs of the contact with a certain number that you can prove is hers, it should be enoug combined with the other stuff.

There is no excuse for this affair and the cheating. It does not matter how downtrodden he was. You did not deserve it and you need to protect yourself.

The bank account is in my name only. I have direct deposit so he has no idea how much money I have. We have no credit cards so that is not an issue. He has sold all of his belongings just to get money (collectables, tools, etc). He has to ask for money and prove a reciept for his purchase. He then gives me back the change.

Even though the phone account is in my name only they carrier will not let me have detailed records....need a supeona.

I know for a fact he does not have a lawyer and this will hit him on the blindside when it does.

If it‘s a given that you are going to divorce this man, I would dispose of most of the assets before filing.  Use the proceeds to pay off any debts from the marriage, and to stash a next egg.  The first thing I would do is to cut off his cell phone. 

Once you file, you are forbidden to sell anything that can be considered to be community property.  Do it beforehand, and then it cannot be used as community property.  It also means there is less to fight over.

There is no point in trying to hide your income.  The judge can subpoena all your financial information.  The court can demand wage stubs, bank statements, and income tax returns.  If you lie, you will be found in contempt of court.  It‘s a not a good idea to go there.

Re. his disability.  Is it a disability recognized by the Social Security Administration?  Does he receive a check from SSI?  Is there documentation to prove that he cannot work?  What is his disability?

You can do this.  You just need strategy.  And pre-planning.

He was denied SSI because SS said I made too much money. That was when I decided to pick up extra work to help make ends meet. His employer did not offer short term disability so when his sick and vacation time ran out, so did the money.

Three physicians have declared him unable to work. SSDI says that even though he is not able to perform for what he was trained he can do some type work. He has what is known as pseudoRA according to the specialist this is the most painful form and does take quite some time to control.

He has only been 5 months into treating with this phyisican and he is not yet pain free on a daily basis. The  pain moves from joint to joint (I am a medical professional and understand it fully).

I don‘t hide money from him but I do control it.

This is going to sound terrible  but here it goes anyways.

Divorce him,  telling him that he will beable to get his SSI if you two are divorced.  Tell them that he rents a room from you.  (this is what they told my ex to do when he was injured at work,  I wished I would have listenend.)

Make it seem like you are trying to help him,  then once you are divorced and he gets his SSI  he is on his own!