WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / realize I will never get over it

Lottalinda - Yes, I do remember you!

Have you considered counseling to deal with your feelings?  It seems to me that this affair has been over for a while.  The co-worker lost her job.  Your husband has agreed to stay, which tells me that he chooses you.  He agreed to the move.  That tells me that he is cognizant and respectful of your feelings.

And almost everyone has a Facebook account.  She is now married to someone else.  I think it is time to let this go.  She isn‘t a threat to you anymore.  I wouldn‘t write to her.

I don‘t think you want a divorce, or you would have done it by now.  It is clear to me that you love your husband and want to hold on to your marriage.  If so, you need to find some way to forgive him.

You‘re in a new community and a new town.  It‘s going to take a while for you to settle in and feel a part of things. 

What would make you feel better about yourself?  What would boost your confidence and make you feel more at peace with yourself? 

Resentment and bitterness can lead to physical illness, and it troubles me that you are still so upset.

Yes I remember you Linda.

I agree with Rhi,  counseling can help.

I also think that it is time to take your life back.  First try to contact your parents,  a simple card once a month, just letting them know that you love them.  I understand feeling old.    Go get a new hair doo,  EXERCISE!!  even if its a nice walk everyday,  you would be surprised at how much better you will feel.  I joined CURVES  there I ment some great ladies and got exercise both.  Meet some women that you can spend time with,  there is nothing like a good friend to pour your heart out to every now and then.  Do something just for you!!  When you feel like your oldself again, then decide if it is time to move on or leave.

After I did this,  I  realized that I couldn‘t stay married,  but you may decide that staying is the answer!!

Good luck to you!

Hi Riannon and Sunny-thank you so much for your advice. I think I was just having a bad day -every once in awhile I get them. I‘m also empty-nesting and it‘s really quiet with nobody around. I am grateful for what I have..things could have turned out much much worse. I still will always feel like I have to be looking over my shoulder-but who wouldn‘t that was in this situation. We‘ve only been downb here since July but I really haven‘t connected with too many people yet. I play competitive tennis on USTA teams and met nice enough people playing tennis-but nobody I really feel close with. I really don‘t want to get too close to people anymore because honestly-I never will trust anyone again...I rather be alone than deal with rejection and humiliation like I did where I was before. I do get out and excercise quite a bit.I‘m going to try to run the Pittsburgh half-marathon in May. I ran a half-marathon a few years back but feel I need to set more goals. I should change my user name-people probably assume I‘m quite chubby with the name "Lottalinda."!! I probably should get back out and work a little too...I need flexibility though when we visit our girls who are quite far away in college.

It seems like both of you are in a much better place than when I was on here awhile back. I sense you are at peace with yourselves and I am happy for you. I also want to let you know again I am so grateful for all the support and encouragement you gave me. You were my sanity..really!!

It is also nice knowing you never judged me for how I reacted to a really crappy situation and just listened. I really lost my dignity and I cringe thinking about it. I‘ve also lost quite a few relationships too in the process. Now it‘s just time to pick myself up and move on...keep in touch!

Lottalinda:  Congrats on the marathon running and the competitive tennis.  You sound very athletic!  That is a wonderful confidence booster.

I understand the inability to trust after a husband‘s affair.  It‘s completely natural that you would be wary.  And it‘s wise to proceed slowly and with caution when building new friendships.

But I don‘t think you should let his affair - and what happened in the past - be the thing that defines you.  You are worth so much more than that.  He is lucky to have you, and I am more than sure he knows that or he wouldn‘t still be there.

I encourage you to make the effort to make new friends.  You‘d be amazed how many women there are out there who have shared your very same life experience.  While it may seem that you are protecting yourself by not opening up to others, you are also keeping yourself very isolated and alone which only contributes to loneliness and depression and rumination about the past.  Life is now.  I think you should look for every opportunity to enjoy it.

Empty nest is hard, too.  But you will adjust, and there is something to be said for having your life back.  It feels empty in the beginning, but you will fill it with other things.  This can be a great time to go back to school.  It expands the mind.  

Good luck Lottalinda.  It‘s nice to see you here!

I never assumed that you were Lot of linda.  I have several friends that are skinny skinny and don‘t exercise. 

I now understand that you do.  That is what saved me,  It helped me relieve stress and feel better about myself.  When things got to ruff instead of curling up in a ball and crying like I wanted too,  I put on my sneakers and hit the trail,  normally by mile 2 or 3  I was feeling better. 

We all get down sometimes,  we all have WHAT IF days. 

When the pain of remaining the same becomes more then the pain of changing,  then you know its time to leave!

That day may never come, 

I wish you happiness!

Sunny

Oh Ms Linda!!  I am glad to see you back.  I‘ve always had respect for you!! 

I think you may need to go shopping!  You need to find a girl friend to hang out with and go to lunch or to the movies.  You don‘t have to let them too close.  But it sounds like you definately need to get out a little more.  A good girl friend can be food for the soul.

I bet Linda, you were doing pretty good till the facebook thing??  There will be triggers that dredge up the memories.  It‘s gonna happen.  You just have to remind yourself how far you‘ve come. 

Hey Linda,

I have MORE respect for you because you are trying so hard to forgive your husband.

What you don‘t realize is that it‘s not YOUR dignity that is lost.  It is your husband‘s dignity that is lost.  He is the one who did not remain faithful. He was the cheater, the liar.

You still need to get all of you back.  That I agree on.  It‘s not something he can do for you either.  Even though he could take it away.  It doesn‘t make sense until you look at it like this:

We become so ingrained that when we are married that two are to become one that we lose ourselves to our spouse.  When really, you die alone.  It doesn‘t matter if you are married or not, it is a journey that you alone have to make.  Your life and how you feel about yourself is YOURS.

You can work together as a couple on a common goal.  If one betrays the other there is a lack of trust.

Now, you are afraid of bringing friends in because "THEY" might take your husband away.  He does have a mind and a heart of his own.  It‘s not other women that you have to put the blame on sweetie.  It‘s your husband. 

What can he do to make you feel secure?  Will anything he does take this away? 

Think about it this way.  Can other men suddenly make you change your mind about being true to your husband?  Even if the man were extremely good looking?  Most married women with a sense of style send a signal to other men that you are not available.  I know I did.  I had no problem telling a guy to go away.

Do you think your husband has this way about him now?  It‘s not about the other women around him.  There will always be other women in the world and you can‘t control that.  You can‘t control your husband either. 

You just have to figure out if you can trust him.  And if you can then you have to say to yourself that you are okay.  You are not defined by his actions, only your own.

Good Luck! MissL