WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / My cheating husband

     In September 2008, I found that my husband (age 73)  of 28 years had been cheating on me with a 28 year old "woman". At the time, I asked him if he loved her or if he had strong feelings for her, if so, then he was free to leave and build a life with this "woman". He swore the affair was over; the "relationship" was going nowhere; they had nothing in common and he knew there was no future with this "woman".

     In February of 2009, I found a pre-paid cell phone my husband had bought and had been using to contact this "woman" since I first caught him, five months earlier. I very calmly put all of his belongings into black garbage bags and dragged them out to the curb then threw him out to the curb with all of his lies and deception. I did not listen to one excuse; I didn‘t let the tears get to me; I stayed strong and unbending. I told him I did not want him in my life - that I deserved much better than him.

     In April 2009, I got a call from the local VA Hospital telling me my husband was involuntarily admitted to the hospital because he was severly depressed and had attempted suicide. I told the doctor to contact the "woman" he was living with - that I was no longer involved with him. The doctor explained that my husband was begging to see me and if I could, it would be helpful to my husband‘s mental health to see him, along with the doctors present.

     After a long conversation with our two daughters and giving the situation some serious thought, I decided to meet the doctors and my husband at the hospital. I will never forget that day because I saw the vibrant, wonderful man I had loved and married had turned into a sad, empty old man. I listened to my husband tell me how much he still loved me and how stupid he was to ever get involved with this "woman" of his. Bottom line is, she used him for a place to live, someone to pay the bills, fix her car, cook her meals, get her drugs, while she went out with her friends every night and left him home alone (because he didn‘t fit in with her friends).

     After 20 days in the VA Hospital, twice daily therapy sessions and five marriage counceling sessions, the doctors were ready to release him. The catch was, he had to have a place to be released to - which meant he would be moving back into our home. This wasn‘t my first choice but I saw a big change in him and thought I might be able to handle living under the same roof as him.

     The first month with him back in the house was slightly uncomfortable for me as I put him in one of the spare bedrooms and treated him as a roommate. I took him to his therapy sessions and I continued seeing the marriage councelor. After some time, I saw he understood what he had done to me and our marriage. He understood the pain he caused. There were promises made that I didn‘t expect to be kept - because I had absolutely no trust in him.

     Christmas Eve I had to use my husband‘s van to pick up the food and beverages for our Christmas party. While in his van, I saw a phone charger that did not fit his phone (he has the same cell phone as I do). When I parked the van, I searched and searched then found another pre-paid cell phone. When I checked the call log, he had been in contact with his "woman" since he was admitted to the VA Hospital, eight months earlier.

     I confronted him upon my return from the market. I told him he would have to move out and move on. He could stay for the party but I wanted him gone the next day. The morning after the party I found him unconscious and an empty bottle of pain pills. I called the paramedics and he was rushed to the ER and they were able to save him. I told the paramedics that he had attempted suicide - again.

       December 28th I petitioned the court for a divorce. I have all of his belongings packed into black garbage bags again and stored in the garage. I have had the locks changed on the house and brought his van to the hospital and given him the keys. I know in my mind that I am taking the right actions for myself. This man has lied to me every day for over a year and I am done.

     My problem is - he is the father of my children; he was a wonderful, loving husband; he was the love of my life. I‘m terrified he‘ll be successful the next time he tries to kill himself and I don‘t know if I could live with myself if that happens. But I feel trapped in his mental illness. How do I walk away and not feel this terrible guilt of abandoning him when he needs me to help him? Any suggestions or comments will be greatly appreciated.

Lady, after reading your story I must say my hat goes off to you.  You have made it clear that this man has hurt you and your family, however you show more concern for your daughters and your husband than yourself.  So many of the people who post here, myself included seem to dwell on the poor me aspect of the affair.    I experienced the pain of learning that my wife was having an affair and all I could concentrate on was my own feelings and those of my daughters.  I wish I had an answer for you, but everybodys situation is different.  One thing I did for myself was to get back to church.  I learned that for someone like yourself, you can rest assured that when it is all said and done for you on this earth, there will surely be a place for you in heaven.

I wish you and your family good luck and a Happier New Year. 

No one is going to blame you for his actions.   He is a grown man with a awful inllness.  You can‘t go around planning your life on egg shells because of him.  (You can I guess but how healthy is it for you??)  I see this is a heavy burden on you.  You need to seek individual counseling for yourself.  Do not let him move back in with you.  I think you need to make it very clear to him you are done with the marriage.  It doesn‘t mean he is out of your life.  You have children together and 28 years behind you.  I can‘t imagine grown daughters not understanding this situation. 

You are not responsible for his choices.

You are responsible for your actions and your life.  Do what makes you happy.  Your family will understand.

Talk to them.  He will get the help he needs now that he has done this.

Ditto to what Busty and Sunny said.  You are done and there is no need to feel guilty.  You are not responsible for his choices whether you are together or apart.

     I have known my husband for 40 years and we got married when our oldest daughter was 9. Both of our daughters are terrified of loosing their father. They don‘t understand how I can turn my back on him in his time of need. And quite honestly, it‘s hard to explain.

     My girls have never experienced the pain and anguish of being betrayed - and I hope they never do. So I know they do not understand how I feel. Like all children, they want their family intact.

     For most of my adult life I have worked hard to build a successful business and just recently sold it and retired. I worked darn hard to raise two wonderful girls and be the best wife any man could ask for. My business afforded all of us a pretty nice lifestyle. I was so looking forward to the golden years of my life with my husband. But that seems not to be the plan God has for me.

     My husband has never lied to me until I caught him cheating. Now, if his lips are moving - he‘s lying. My psychiatrist feels my husband‘s attempts to end his life are his way to deflect my attention away from his affair. Deep in my heart I still have feelings for my husband - I surely do not want him to end his life. Nothing and no one is worth that.

     For my own mental health, I cannot allow him to emotionally blackmail me with the threat of suicide. This is just plain silly. I know he‘s in a place where he will get the help I am not capable of giving him.

     My mind tells me I‘m doing all the right things. So why do I feel so awful - so broken-hearted? I feel like I‘m being hit in the gut twice - once with the cheating then again with the suicide attempts.

     Thank you all for your words of wisdom and your thoughtfulness. It feels safe to be here where others understand what I‘m going through.

He is using his suicide attempts as emotional blackmail, so that he can CONTROL you.  He is a child in a man‘s body.  Throwing a temper tantrum when he can‘t have his cake and eat it too.

I would stop pitying him immediately.  That is what he is looking for.  Instead I would be screaming in anger at him!  How SELFISH he is to pull this crap.  He doesn‘t think that his daughters need him?  He doesn‘t think about his children?  That is what I would be yelling at him. 

He doesn‘t want you to move on, yet he consistently goes back to the slut. He is a controlling man who is crazy.  You can‘t fix crazy, only he can.

Let your children know in a matter of fact way exactly what is going on.  Tell the stupid lying cheating husband that the cat is out of the bag and the kids know exactly what kind of crap he is pulling.

This was his leverage, if you do this, you have taken it away from him. 

Get the divorce so that you don‘t have to take him back into your home again.

The kids expected you two to be together forever,  just like you did. 

They need to accept that he hurt you and not to pressure you.  WTF does a man his age expect to get out of a 20 something year old,  I bet your kids are older then that.

It amazes me how stupid men really are!

I am so sorry that you are going thru this.  Talk to your kids,  let them know that you are hurting!

     To all of you that have responded - THANK YOU - for your understanding, thoughtfulness and compassion. I have read and re-read all of your responses and I appreciate the time you have taken to help me.

      Tuesday I took both of my daughters to see my psychiatrist because I am not equipped to adequately explain myself to them. This was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. Each of my daughters were free to express their concerns - which sort of hurt me in the sense they seemed more worried about their father than what he has done to me. I do understand that suicide is far worse than a broken heart - I will eventually recover from my broken heart but there is no recovery from suicide. My youngest daughter felt I could "wave my magic Mommy wand and make it all better". My doctor listened to them then asked some very important questions, got them talking and I could see the light bulbs go on for each of them.

     My daughters saw their father Tuesday evening and both were quite angry with him. Finally. They asked him questions and were quite hurt to realize their father is a liar. I think they both see that he‘s the one person in all of this that is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. Never once did I say one word against their father - although I sure wanted to. I want to walk away knowing I was the better person.

      I saw my husband on Sunday and was so sad to see how old and lonely he looked. I listened to him talk for at least two hours about what a mistake he has made. The old fool thought he was hot stuff having a 28 year old on his arm. He really thought she loved him for the man he is. (She called him to ask him where the checkbook was so she could pay the rent and why aren‘t the credit cards working.)

     My daughters are 37 and 34 years old. My husband had an affair with a woman younger than his daughters. How sick is that? I‘m sorry, but I can‘t wrap my mind around a 28 year old letting an old lizard crawl over her naked body. Here‘s a man that cannot get an erection - even with viagra or shots and yet he believes this woman when she tells him sex with him is the best she‘s ever had!!! How stupid can a man be?

     Monday evening I got a call from my husband‘s woman, which I can now more accurately call a whore. She was concerned because he had not paid the January rent, any of the utilities nor the credit card bills. I asked her what she expected from me; her relationship is with my husband - not with me. I further explained to this whore that both her and my husband would have to learn to live on a much more limited budget because his only income now is his social security check. She wasn‘t too happy with that news but that‘s her problem, not mine.

     I worked hard for many years building a business that I sold for a very comfortable amount of money. The money is mine and has always been in an account in my name only. I transferred money each month into our joint account for living expenses - which is where he took the money for his whore. That joint account is closed along with any access to my money.

     I guess if I wasn‘t feeling so much pain and heartbreak I could see a way out of this. I know I‘ll survive; I‘m strong. I feel so terribly sad that I wasn‘t enough for my husband. I‘m smart, attractive, caring, funny, affectionate and very giving.  I keep asking myself why this happened. Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel whole again? Will I ever get thru a night without crying? Why is this so hard to process? I pray to God every night to give me the strength to get thru this. Again, thank you all for your help. You have no idea how important it is for me to know there is a place where I can go and communicate with understanding and wise women. You are all in my prayers.

I guess if I wasn‘t feeling so much pain and heartbreak I could see a way out of this.

I think you are doing a wonderful job.  That was very smart to take your daughters to talk to somebody.  Closing the account was a great Idea too.

 I know I‘ll survive; I‘m strong. I feel so terribly sad that I wasn‘t enough for my husband. I‘m smart, attractive, caring, funny, affectionate and very giving.  I keep asking myself why this happened. Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel whole again? Will I ever get thru a night without crying? Why is this so hard to process?

First let me stop you there!  You are enough  you did nothing wrong  this is on HIM!!  HE is the one that is screwed up!  If he felt that something wasn‘t right in your marriage,  he should have come to you and talked to you about it, NOT go screw a 28 year of kid!  This is a reflection on him  not on you! 

Yes the pain will go away,  I am living proof of that!  You will feel whole again and you will go without out crying thru the night.  It takes a while,  but you will get there.  Oneday you will wake up and say  what an idiot he is,  man I am one hell of a woman and he was stupid and let me go!

 I pray to God every night to give me the strength to get thru this. Again, thank you all for your help. You have no idea how important it is for me to know there is a place where I can go and communicate with understanding and wise women. You are all in my prayers.

You keep praying and we will keep praying for you !!

Stick around this place was my savior for a long time. There were days that I would come here and post allday and the wonderful women her helped me thur the worst days in my life!

Yes, it will all go away.  I too am living proof of that.  You are one hell of a woman!  Carry that with you no matter what.

I would stop talking to this woman.  Do not take her calls.  What is happening in her life it her business, not your concern.  Stop being so nice.  The rent, bills, etc., is between her and her “boyfriend.”

Ladies - Thank You! You‘re helping me "grow a set".

     My husband has called so many times today and left such heartfelt messages - how much he loves me; how he ruined his life; how he doesn‘t know how to live without money; yadda, yadda yadda. Then his whore had the nerve to call and leave messages about needing money.

     Finally, I called my husband and told him that his messages did nothing but annoy me. The bank is closed. He will have to get a job or his whore can get a job. What he does or does not do is no longer my concern. He made his choice and now he can learn to live with it. I also told him that all further communication from him is to be with my attorney.

     I reminded him that he is the father of two wonderful women that he has hurt terribly and he needs to work on his relationships with them. If he doesn‘t make it right with them I‘m afraid they will turn their backs on him and he will really be alone.

     The cell phone service I have gives me the ability to block calls and my husband and his whore are now blocked! Boy - did that ever feel good.

     I had a good friend of our pick up my husbands things that I had put in black garbage bags and bring them to the hospital and put the bags in my husband‘s van. There - I‘m done with my wifely duties.

     Both of my girls and I will be seeing my psychiatrist three times a week for the next month or so. I feel this is the best course of action at this point. All three of us have issues to be resolved.

     I know I may sound like a strong woman - but on the inside I‘m hurting so badly. I‘m so devastated. But I believe you all when you say the pain will go away and I will feel better. And I realized I enjoy living alone and having the freedom to what I want - when I want.

I am proud of you!!  Blocked his calls!  AMEN!!!

I tell my boys,  First National Bank of Mom is closed for the month,  momma needs to go shopping for momma. hahaha

Your daughters will see what pain you are in and they will come around.  As a daddys girl myself,  I would be very hurt if he did something like this to my mother.  It would take a lot for me to forgive him.  Dads are suppost to be looked up to in the eyes of there baby girls.

Also as a father of two girls,  he should be asshamed  of himself to be messing around with a 28 year old,  WTF would he think if one of his daughters were doing that??

Keep your chin up  and post often!!  We are here for you.

Bank of Eyesopenin is closed.  Why they expect you to give them money makes me speechless.  It makes me laugh.

You are a strong woman.  Just because inside you are hurting, does not make you weak.  I salute you Eyesopenin’ for taking control and saying enough.  There will be good days and bad days.  Enjoy the good days and cry and scream during the bad days.  Keep posting.

     Had a pretty good day today. Spent a lot of time with both of my daughters and had very deep, emotional conversations. The tensions seem to be evaporating slowly.

     My husband called his girls numerous times today but they staill have some issues with him and are not quite ready to embrace him yet. They told him they are disgusted with his behavior and they are very angry with him.

     I can see that my husband is calling our daughters and telling them things to make them feel sorry for him so they will put pressure on me. However, he doesn‘t know that his daughters are smart women and aren‘t falling for his lines. My youngest told her father that Mommy is moving on without him and this is all his fault. He has asked both girls to ask me if I would call him to talk things over with him. They told him I would not be calling him again and want nothing more to do with him.

     He also told the girls that his "whore" has left him. He has no place to go when he‘s released from the hospital. My oldest daughter told him to save his money and get an apartment and don‘t spend everything on whores.

     For a roll in the hay with a young chick to boost his ego, my husband willingly threw away 40 years with me. He‘s alone; he has no place to live and has nothing but his clothes and his van.  I sure hope the sex was worth it!

     I‘m hurting but with my girls by my side, we are all getting through this and we will survive and be better for this experience. My pastor told me that God does not give us anything we cannot handle and if He sees we‘re struggling, He gives us strength to deal with it. I have to believe.

     Prayers to all of you that have helped me so very much. 

I am so glad that your girls are seeing the light now!

Together you will make it thru!!

Stay strong!  Have a great weekend.

I am glad to hear you had a good day today.  Remember, you deserve the best.  May tomorrow be another good day.