WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / I really need a womens advice and opinion for my problem

Ive been with my gf for almost 3 years and although she‘s a realy nice women that my famiy likes very much and she appears to be marriage material, But i have reason to believe she might have cheated on me during out time together. She claims i am her first and only sexual partnet she has ever been with. I am 33 and she is 28 years old.

heres my story and your input would be greatly appreciated.

Well when i first met her 3.5 years ago at a friends house she seemed to be a flirty/promiscuous kinda girl and not what i would of thought a virgin at 25 would act like. After i met her we hung out a few times in a span of 7 months but we did chat tons and almost everyday during this time, At first she would tell me crazy stories of her going out getting drunk an meeting guys and stuff. Although she never said to me she had sex with anyone it sure seemed like thats what she was hinting at. Until one day on msn she told me that she was realy a virgin and didnt tell me at first cuz she didnt want me to think of her as a boring,goodie kinda girl and get scared off like other guys have before. I have always been hesitant to believe her virgin story till this day.

Well about 6 months later we went on our first date, we had coffee and stuff. (very innocent date). Then the second date a few weeks later we went to a club and came back to my place buzzed and started making out in the living room and got half our clothes off and we almost had sex that night but my roomate was home so she didnt want to. The third date we went to a club again came back buzzed to my house (roomate was outta town) went to my roomates bedroom cuz my room is the living room, anyways so we went to roomates bed and we did have sex but only for about 1 min and it was only like half penetration as she wanted to stop for watever reason. Foutth date went clubbing came home buzzed again (still no roomate) went to bedroom and this time we did have real sex that did last.

Anyways by the fourth date we were pretty much a couple. About 8 months or so into our relationship i dont remember how the conversation came up but i asked her if she remembered when and where her first time she had sex wtih me was, but she couldnt remember, but thinks it was the living room although we almost but didnt have sex there, i find it kinda odd how i remember our first time having sex was in the room and she doesnt considering i was her first and only one she has had sex with she says, yes i know we were buzzed those first four dates we had but we sure wernt drunk to not remember anything. I dont know about her but i rmember clearly about 20 years ago when i first had sex, so i would think for a women its somthing more special to rmember for sure especially it just happened 8 months ago.

One things for sure i have throughout our relationship caught her lying about small to medium sized lies, But one huge lie i found out about that i preasured out of her that i will share next and is what brings me to this forum.

Well about one year and a half ago she went to a trip for 1 month with her family to her country. I knew about this planned trip from early on in our relationship as it was one of her cousins weddings. Before her trip we were having a very rocky relationship due to me not trusting her about things that i knew she would lie about and the fact that she was gonna run into this guy she met 4 years earlier when she went for a visit and fell in love with at that time.

So when she came back after 1 month from her trip things seemed alright at first. The first time we had sex after her trip she was making sounds like if she was having sex for the first time ever, i found that kinda weird so i asked her about it and she said she made those sounds because she wanted to assure me that she didnt do anything during her trip and by making extra sound it would suggest she hadnt had sex in awile. I found this incident really interesting so i decided to look into it further. So one day we were at her house and i asked her to call one of her girlfriends so i could listen to the conversation quietly without her friend knowing.I asked her to talk to her gf on the phone about there conversation over coffee they had 1 week earlier about her trip she went to. My gf REFUSED REFUSED to call her friend while me listening claiming it was a stupid idea and that she had nothen to hide. I knew something was up for sure so i preasured her for hours until she broke down and told me why.

She said that over coffee 1 week earlier she had told her girlfriend that during her trip she met up with the guy she fell in love with 4 years earlier and that they had sex and stuff during her trip there. My gf SWEAR over her mother,unborn children, to god, her ill father, that she made the story up to her girlfriend about having sex with this guy. She says she has certain friends that she likes them to think of her as somewhat of a bad girl like how they are. She admitted to telling a few of her other friends the same story. But i told her in order for me to believe that what she told her friends was a lie i wanted her to a take a polygraph test at a private investigators office to prove it. She said sure she would go but when the day came to go do the test she said NO because its a stupid idea and that i should just believe her. A few weeks later i caught her off gaurd and i showed her this device and i told her it was a home polygraph test and she REFUSED to do it saying that it was a dumb idea and a gimmick of a machine. Im thinking if your so innocent why not try anything to make me feel like your trying to prove yourself to me.

Its been almost 2 years since her trip and i still believe that she did have sex with the guy during her trip. She claims that she will do the polygraph test at a private investigators office but based on previous actions i dont believe she will go do it. I have told my GF to just tell me the truth so we can move on and be more serious and get married because without the truth i will never merry her i have told her. I also told her if she did do anything i would forgive her because even if she made a mistake she is still an awsome women.

So my question are to women

1. if you know your lying about cheating are you going to refuse to go to a polygraph, or would you also refuse to go knowing that your innocent.

2. Do you think my GF is hiding somthing. I ask becuase women know women best and how they lie.

or just give me your comments

thank in advance.

thanks for your response, well the first time had sex it was night time and dark room and i was buzzed so i dont know if she bled.

ive heard on shows women say thery would feel offended if ther partner wanted to take them to a polygraph. i would agree to that if a man had no reason to take there women to go to a polygraph. But in my case she knows that i know about the things she said to her friends and she shouldnt feel offended in this case.

I think she is willing to hide the truth no matter what it takes so her good reputation with my family and her own family wont be ruined. Ive always told her that she seems really decieving in general.

The whole deal about you wanting her to call her girlfriend so you could lsiten in is so bizarre that I don‘t blame her one bit for refusing. 

I understand how it feels to want know the truth and every stinking detail of it.  Remember the saying "Digging in the dirt, only gonna hurt"???

It‘s been two years??  You either need accept that you will never truly know what happened and move on with it or break with up her so you CAN move on.

Is it a deal breaker if she did?  If it‘s been consuming you this long you may need to rethink marriage.

I totaly disagree with you  that its wrong to ask her to call her friend, after all i felt somthng was wrong. Now that i know what she said to her friend makes me want to without a doubt no the truth. Id rather get a sincere apoligy if somthing did happen then to pretend its all ok. Id hate to asume that you think cheating is ok and shouldnt be dealt with the right way, but maybe you think its ok cuz youve been in her shoes. I am not afraid to lose her and knowing the truth wouldnt kill me inside because ive already convinced myself she so it would come as no shock.

It‘s ok to disagree, not a problem.  You have your views and I have mine.

I don‘t think cheating is ok.  As I said before I understand.  I have wanted to know the whole stinking truth and felt I wasn‘t getting it.

So you‘ve convinced yourself she cheated and she is lying about it.  So when and if she does a full confession you are going to break up with her.  You are not afraid to lose her.  Hell, you‘ve prepared yourself.

Remember, you asked for advise here.  You don‘t need to try to manipulate me into your mind frame of thinking and it doesn‘t seem to be working on her either.

Good luck getting your full on confession from her. 

I have to ask this as well, why on earth does she want one group of friends to think she is a flousy and another not to?  This doesn‘t add up or make any sense.  I must admit that in itself would have been a red flag for me.

Well she has some GF‘S that are married, or in a serious relationship and for sure not into [artying. These friends are the ones that she tells and talks about her real self.

Then theres the other group of friends that are the total oppisate and these friends she tells lies to about herself to fit in , well this is what she says.

I have another ? to all women on this forum. lets assume she did do something on her trip, what can i tell her to make her feel compfortable to tell me the truth no matter how horrible or regretfull she may feel. I have told her that she could just tell me and we can work things out but that hasnt worked.

Well its clear that most people that have responded feel just like i do that she prob did somthing. I have told her that to me she is guilty until proven inoccent and i will treat her accordingly.

I can tell you that if i was in her shoes and i knew i was hiding something i would have probably broken down mentally with the truth and told my partner to except my mistake so we could work it out. Rather then have to put up with someone like me calling you a bitch, slut, liar, have no respect for you and treat you like absolute garbage everday. Let me add i do never ever physically abuse her.

She actually tells me she rather i beat her with a bat then to go through the mental, emotional abuse i put her through everyday.

She also said to me that if she did anything behind my back that it would be less painfull to tell me the truth then to have to deal with me mentally, emotionally treating her horrible every single day.

She also has told me lately that she is willing to go do the polygraph test as i have told her that theres no way in hell that i would ever merry her until im sure of thing. But i have heard this song before from her so until it happenss i dont believe it.

she says she puts up with all this abuse because she is not lying and she loves me very much and that one day i will realize that she never did anything behind my back.

If it turns out she was always telling me the truth that she only made up those stories to her friends. Then i owe her the world and a million sorries, but if she lied she deserves all i put her through and more.