WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / Catch a cheating or lying bastard

You know that statistics say that 1 out of 3 guys online are married or attached? Well, I met one of these cheating bastards online. He was sexy, alluring, good with words and intelligent. He was well-travelled and cultured. But he was a cheating, lying narcissist! Would love to hear your feedback on my tips.

I dated this guy for more than a month, but always sensed that there was something not quite right. Whenever I confronted this guy about anything, he always allayed my fears and his arguments seemed reasonable. A lot of our chats were on email. He said he didn‘t like using the phone. I did see him in person more than once. So one day, I called his work directory, figured out that he was lying about his name, managed to figure out his real name, and facebooked him. There,  I found out that he was a married man with children, even though he claimed to be a single man living with his parents temporarily. He lied about his name and his age as well. I got out quickly and cleanly. Here are some of my tips and lessons learned which I wish to share with other women.

To Trust or not to Trust

Once you figure out someone is cheating you might feel foolish. How could you not have known? Truth be told, we should never feel bad about trusting, it is in our good nature to trust, but we should listen to our intuition and woman‘s intuitiation is strong. I know I‘m an educated and intelligent woman and this happened to me, it can really happen to anyone.  

Tips to Catch the Bastard

- For online dating - do a search on the site and see if they have more than one profile. My guy may have had up to five (some with pics, some not, but I knew it was him), but I didn‘t do a search early enough. Check the intimate or sexual encounters section too, but many of these creeps may pray on good girls because they are afraid of bringing diseases home to their partner or wife.

- Google their name. If it doesn‘t come up, you may have reason to be suspicious, but not necessarily. Many people are also on facebook. Do not be afraid to facebook stalk! It‘s your safety.

- Listen to what they say and see if it‘s consistent. Do not be afraid to ask lots of questions or to question when there is inconsistent information. See how he reacts.

- Find out where he lives and where he works, if you can, very early on. Call their work and ask for them or consult the dail in directory for their name. You don‘t have to actually speak to them, in fact you can just hang up. Verify an address through directory assistance (in canada, www.canada411.com. In my case, my guy told me he lived with his parents who were of another ethnic origin and religious origin  and strict to keep me away from his house. You can only buy this for so long.

- If he only gives you a cell phone number or if he prefers to email over talk or chat over talk and he does not move over to the phone in a reasonable amount of time, he may be cheating. Express that you would like to talk to them on the phone, if possible. If the calls are frequently short that may be a sign. My guy was also trying to avoid leaving my phone number on his bill, so he would barely text message. He claimed it was because it cost money. Text messaging is very cheap, so this never comes off as a good excuse. He also tried to do messageing through the phone service carrier online so it wouldn‘t leave a record. Very sneaky!!

- If he is available at odd and inconsistent hours. He may be cheating. Most people follow particular patterns in their daily lives.

- Frequent excuses. A person you are dating should not be full of excuses. Also be wary if he is conscience of what he is saying. A person who wants to date you seriously will try to impress - if there is a constant pull and push be cautious.

- If they hang up suddenly or their internet connection drops suddenly and frequently they may be cheating.

- Last minute cancellations. Early on, have your guard up, if there are last minute cancellations or the schedule is overly fluid and non-commital. Watch their actions, don‘t just listen to their words.

- In the early days of dating keep them away from your house and only meet in public areas. If they are hesitant to meet in public areas (and only want to go to your place) they may be cheating.

- doesn‘t want to use his credit card. 

All of these things might seem like common sense, but you may not really realize you are dealing with a cheater or liar until you put all the pieces together. It‘s important to pay attention and do not ignore your intuition. A dishonest person will try to manipulate your emotions and you may feel sometimes like you are going crazy. You probably aren‘t.

Once you‘ve caught the cheater/liar, what do you do?

It is up to you whether you can confront a cheater, but be fully aware of what you are getting into. In some cases it may not be worth you whille. 

If it is someone you have been dating and they turn out to be attached or married, it is best to get out as quickly and as cleanly as possible. It may not be worth it to confront them. They probably don‘t deserve any more of your energy. They may also have a lot to lose and you don‘t want to be on the receiving end of any of their crazy. You may wish; however, to let them know it is over - I would do this through email and in as few words as possible. You can do it by phone, but it might just result in some needless back and forth. You don‘t need any more of their excuses. In the end, it is up to you as to whether you let them know they are cheating, but be aware of who you are dealing with. You may put fear into them, and that may be turned into anger or agression directed at you. You don‘t want to start dealing with anything dramatic or having to get a restraining order! In my case, I sent my guy a very short email telling him I had enough of his excuses and that I needed to be with someone who is available, and left it at that. He could therefore interpret it however he wanted. He still came back with a plethora of excuses and some apologies, but very superficial, indeed.

At this point, you have to keep a cool head, because you will be angry. There is no need to get into a confrontation. You are right and he is wrong. It has to be over now. You may only get excuses  at this point the words they use are meaningless as they have already proven themselves dishonest.

What you should know: telling them you know, will not necessarily make them change their behavior or stop cheating. The ultimate decision for them is to stop cheating, which lies with them and them alone.  

If you are online dating, you can report the user to the site which you met them on.

If you learn they are married or attached, should you tell the girlfriend/wife?

I would say that this is tricky. You once again, really have to know what you are getting into and be extremely careful. There are some risks involved.

If you don‘t know her than you may not know about their situation. Perhaps they are in an arranged marriage and can‘t get divorced. Perhaps he is abusive and will take it out on her if she finds out and blame her (I believe there are really people like this), perhaps she and her children are completely financially dependent on him. Telling her won‘t make him stop cheating either and it won‘t necessarily make her life better.

Also, if he is a lying bastard, he will likely say you are lying anyway and probably try to make you look crazy. He may also seek revenge on you, since you could potentially destroy his life. Remember, she may not thank you or leave him. She may just end up hating you.

Then again, there‘s a probability that his partner suspects cheating. Women‘s intuition, right?

So, the end of the story is be aware of what you are getting into. In the end I think my guy will get caught, he really isn‘t that smooth looking back. I hope karma will get him!!!

I have to say I agree, since I have just recently confirmed I have a cheating lying manipulating etc bastard

I would like to know more about what you said..."He also tried to do messageing through the phone service carrier online so it wouldn‘t leave a record. Very sneaky!!"  I recently have seen a strange screen come up that appiles to my phone carrier and didnt know why...perhaps he isnt as good as he thinks.

I wish I had known sooner

Great post cottoncandy.  I was involved with a cheater but he started cheating after about a year into our long distance relationship.  He lied to me for months and months.  It was crazy BUT there were many red flags that I chose to ignore prior to the cheating. 

He had cheated on his former wife and past gf . When he told me of these events I should have run as far and as fast as possible but he made it sound like he was the victim.  That the women just didn‘t understand him or were crazy.  I was so naive that I believed all of it.  I had come out of a very long marriage and had very little dating experience. I thought that being kind and sweet was the way you conducted yourself.  I devoted myself to him (wrong, my first mistake).  Acting like a wife in  a dating relationship, such as picking up after him, doing his laundry, being his secretary is ridiculous.  They should be concerned with pleasing you and pursuing you, not the other way around.  These men pray on naive women.  They can spot us a mile away. 

So as you said women‘s intuition is very strong.  We always seem to know when things are not right.  I had many warning signs that if I had heeded them, I would not have suffered so much pain when he betrayed me.  A leopard very rarely changes their spots and if a man has a history of cheating with other women they will usually do it with you.

I learned my lesson the hard way but I did learn it. 

One other thing....I think most long distance relationships are doomed to failure.  Developing a meaningful relationship is hard enough but doing it long distance is really tough, especially if it drags on for years.  Long distance should turn into short distance in a couple of months.  I would never waste that kind of time emailing, talking on the phone, using webcams, etc. again.   Nothing takes the place of actually being with your partner in the same zip code and it sets up situations which it makes it easier for one of the partners to cheat.

Great post cottoncandy.  I was involved with a cheater but he started cheating after about a year into our long distance relationship.  He lied to me for months and months.  It was crazy BUT there were many red flags that I chose to ignore prior to the cheating. 

He had cheated on his former wife and past gf . When he told me of these events I should have run as far and as fast as possible but he made it sound like he was the victim.  That the women just didn‘t understand him or were crazy.  I was so naive that I believed all of it.  I had come out of a very long marriage and had very little dating experience. I thought that being kind and sweet was the way you conducted yourself.  I devoted myself to him (wrong, my first mistake).  Acting like a wife in  a dating relationship, such as picking up after him, doing his laundry, being his secretary is ridiculous.  They should be concerned with pleasing you and pursuing you, not the other way around.  These men pray on naive women.  They can spot us a mile away. 

So as you said women‘s intuition is very strong.  We always seem to know when things are not right.  I had many warning signs that if I had heeded them, I would not have suffered so much pain when he betrayed me.  A leopard very rarely changes their spots and if a man has a history of cheating with other women they will usually do it with you.

I learned my lesson the hard way but I did learn it. 

One other thing....I think most long distance relationships are doomed to failure.  Developing a meaningful relationship is hard enough but doing it long distance is really tough, especially if it drags on for years.  Long distance should turn into short distance in a couple of months.  I would never waste that kind of time emailing, talking on the phone, using webcams, etc. again.   Nothing takes the place of actually being with your partner in the same zip code and it sets up situations which it makes it easier for one of the partners to cheat.