WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / Really good liars?

Borderwinds:  I suggest reading the posts from Kaylar.  You are going to drive yourself crazy over this.  Worse, your continuing to call this woman could put you in the position of being charged with harassment.  I understand the obsession to "get at the truth" but you are coming off like a "psycho woman" and in the end, you could end up losing your husband just because of that.  And he could lose his job over you calling at work. 

The real issue is - do you trust him?  If you don‘t trust him, therein lies the problem.

Granted, a lot of what you have described sounds suspect, and I believe in trusting your intuition.  If you feel like you are being lied to, perhaps you are.  But back off - take a deep breath - and watch & wait.  The truth will reveal itself eventually.

I wish you luck.  I would put the energy into other things.  Don‘t have a nervous breakdown over it.  If there is anything we can do to help you through it, we are here.

Thanks Rhianna.  Yeah, I realize I‘ve gone into Psycho Woman stalker mode and I hate it.  I can‘t believe I‘ve sunken this low.  I‘ve read some of Kaylar‘s post and she talks about what I already know.  I have too much time to think about him and I know I need to stop.  I need a distraction, but it‘s hard to find one where I live.  We practically live in a ranch and to be honest, all I have to do all day is think.  He knows I don‘t trust him.  I never have, ever since I caught him in a lie and I told him NEVER to lie to me because I have a big problem ever trusting people who lie to me even once.  He lied again and that was it.  It wasn‘t that he cheated on me or anything like that, but when we first met, after a few weeks, I realized he had lied to me about his age.  Then he started joking around that he was married with kids.  He‘d act serious and when I would tell him I don‘t do married men, he‘d say he was just joking.  It took me a while to believe him that he wasn‘t married with children.  After we were married, I noticed how easily he can lie to people.  He‘d even tell me how to lie...to my own family.  I guess that caught up with me, because people now tell me how after I met him it was as if I was brainwashed by him.  They say I was like his puppy, and they even mention instance where he would talk to me really bad and I‘d put up with it.  I don‘t remember those instances.  I guess I woke up from whatever dormant state I was in a few months back and realized that if he can lie so easily and so smoothly to other people, what makes me think he won‘t do it to me?  I became fed up with the situation, because I was no longer the person I used to be.  I never lied.  I was never late.  I was good.  With him I had turned into a liar, lazy, and although I wasn‘t bad exactly, I wasn‘t being too good either.  He‘s not a bad guy really.  He doesn‘t beat me up.  He‘s never done drugs.  He drinks, but you rarely ever see him drunk, and when he does drink a little too much, he‘s a jolly man.  My problem with him, asides from the trust, is that I feel we don‘t exist to him.  He works, and he tells everyone he works and makes it sound like he supports us, but I rarely ever get money from him, he never has money to pay the bills and it usually gets to the point of companies threatening to disconnect us before he makes any payments and they are always partial payments.  Just enough to keep the light on or the water or the cable.  I don‘t know what he does with the money.  It‘s not like he buys us food, or clothing, and like I said, he‘s always making partial payments and sometimes no payments at all.  I‘ve checked his bank statements, but I don‘t know what to think of them because he‘s always making withdrawals, but I don‘t know where that money goes to if it‘s not to us or the bills.  Everything he does is just for him and I‘ve told him so, but he denies being like that.  He washes only HIS clothes and does nothing else around the house, except clean the yard and the cars, but only because he uses the yard and the cars to entertain HIS friends.  I‘m jealous also of the way he is.  He can leave when ever he wants to and do whatever he wants.  I can‘t.  Just to go to the post office I have to get the kids ready, put them in the car, get them out of the car, check the mail, put them back in the car, etc.  He usually has no responsibility when it comes to the kids.  The few times I‘ve acted like he does, you know, just take off and leave the kids with him while I go out to be with my friends, he has a coniption fit.  It got to the point where I just don‘t go out with them anymore, but he just likes the kids to pat their heads when people are around so they can say "What a great father he is!", and he is a great father to my kids, but I feel he isn‘t doing enough.  I also feel unappreciated.  The house is never clean enough for him.  My food is never done on time and never good enough for him.  I never look good enough for him.  He doesn‘t tell me at the moment, but he‘s hinted at it before.  Sometimes I‘ll dress up just for him so we can go out and it hurts that right before we leave he‘ll ask me if I‘m going to brush my hair when it‘s already brushed.  I sometimes feel like just taking off and leaving the kids with him so he can walk in my shoes, but I wouldn‘t doubt that he‘d find a way to get someone else to take care of them for him.  It‘s gotten to the point where I don‘t believe any of his compliments.  He‘ll tell me I‘m beautiful.  He‘ll tell me he loves only me and thanks me for choosing him to be the father of our kids and that for that, there is no other woman who can take my place.  He tries to confort me by telling me that he can‘t find what he has with me in other women.  He‘ll leave me notes telling him how special I am to him.  I sometimes wonder if I just am not happy with him and if this is my way of trying to find a way out.  He told me once that he thinks I personally want him to cheat on him just so I can gossip about it.  He claims I love to hurt him and that I don‘t like to see him happy, that when he is happy I‘ll find a way to ruin it for him.  I‘ve shown him where the door is, but he won‘t leave and I can‘t leave.  I‘ve left him before though, for all of three days.  I wonder how long it took him to realize we were gone because he didn‘t come looking for us until the third day and only because he got into a fight with his friends and I guess he was alone then.  I didn‘t want to go back to him, but I had no where else to go.  I was staying with my mom and she was having problems with her boyfriend and her boyfriend was giving me a hard time I just couldn‘t stand being there anymore.  Don‘t get me wrong.  I did miss my husband when I left him, but I also felt better.  I felt like I finally had control of my life and that I was going somewhere.  I lost that feeling when I went back with him.  I think now I just want to find myself again and be who I used to be because I‘m no longer the same person.  I hate having to play the part HE wants me to play because he‘s not playing the part I want him to play.  I‘ve done everything for him and he‘s done nothing for me in return other than being nice to me and putting up with my jealous tirades.  In the end, I could only conclude that he likes having a baby sitter, a house cleaner, a cook, and a sex partner, but that he doesn‘t love me.  If he doesn‘t love me, then maybe he‘s looking for love and that‘s why we are always last on his list of priorities.  Then seeing how he talks to Gloria more than what he talks to me...that hurt.  He doesn‘t talk to her often.  Maybe once or twice a month, but when they do talk, they talk for a long time and it just doesn‘t add up.  He says they rarely see each other at work, so if that‘s true, why are they calling each other?  He claims it‘s because they have an issue with a guy at work and they‘re just gossiping about him, but if that‘s true, then what about them "rarely ever seeing each other at work"?  She told me that at work there are rumors they (she and my husband) are having an affair, but how so if they rarely ever see each other?  They claim that at work, you can‘t even stand next to a person without everyone thinking the worse of it.  Anyways, I feel a lot better after this rant, but I wanted to add that I‘ve only called her once to speak to her directly and that was to her cell phone.  The time I called to ask for her last name, it was only once, and I wasn‘t expecting her to answer.  I wasn‘t trying to harrass her and I‘m not going to harrass her unless she lied to me because she swore on my kids they had nothing to do with each other.  I told her and I told him that I‘m not going to fight over a man.  If she wants him, she can have him, but tell me so I can stop wasting my time and my life on someone who isn‘t worth it.  I know I can find someone better if my husband has been unfaithful, but because I don‘t know, I‘m willing to work things out with him.  Here you‘ll only hear his bad side because his bad side is what bothers me, but he really is a great catch and I do love him.  I know I have my faults too and I need to start working and occupying my time with something other than thinking about him and our relationship.  I‘ve already apologized to him, but I let him know that I don‘t regret anything I‘ve done in regards to spying.  It‘s my way of soothing myself and I‘d much rather be very wrong than very right.  He says he‘s ok with me spying on him because he has nothing to hide, but why do I still get a very stong intuition that he is hiding something from me?  I know you can‘t help me with that question, but thanks for listening.  I have no one else to talk to, and my one friend is already tired of listening to me.  Pyscho woman mode off.  Talk to you later. ;)

Tiredmomma wrote:

Funny enough, I was thinking of telling you to read Kaylars posts:) But I see you found them anyways. You need a distraction, I‘ll give you one = YOU Sit down with yourself and think a few things over. 1. If he is cheating WHAT do you want to do about it? As I see it you have two choices. Divorce or Counseling /Working on the marriage, Better communication. 2. Why are you channeling all your anger at the woman you think he‘s cheating on you with? a.( My guess it you are not being able to communicate properly with your husband or you feel you will have to PROVE it to him that you know... - Hell, if he is cheating he already knows, ok?) b.( you have not resolved question #1 yet) 3.Do you want to be that psycho wife? Do you want to be the liar in the relationship? Is that a YOU, you can live with? I have spend 18 months debating  question #1 - being pissed at the hubby and OW - being the psycho/stalker wife. It‘s no fun. It‘s draining. It‘s a frigging WASTE of MY precious time. I‘m glad that I realized a few things. Some of which I had heard on WS, but certainly wasn‘t ready for. One was to prioritize myself - I‘m NUMBER ONE!. That SHE means nothing to me. And lastly, if I want to be happy it‘s ALL up to me. My husband is just along for the ride.When I‘m happy = my family is way more harmonious and happy. My husband knows how close he came to loose me and the kids. Hopefully that was a wake up call for him to realize that  in order to have good stuff happen - you got to make some of it happen yourself. There were things in our marriage that I felt I lacked from him - I didn‘t, however, go outside the marriage to get it. But I did realize that some of the things I felt he didn‘t give ME - I didn‘t give him either. So I‘m learning to give some of what I want. So far he seems to get it. Our phone conversations are something I look forward to now, before it was sort of a chore. You can not make changes til you are ready, but when you are it is 100% up to you. TM

Thanks Tiredmomma, but I just want to point out one thing.  I hold no anger towards the woman I think he‘s cheating on me with, but I just feel she‘s the key to finding out if he is cheating on me or not.  I‘ve only bugged here twice.  Once it was to ask her if she had anything to do with him.  When she said no, she asked me if I had a problem with her talking with him and if so, she would stop.  I said I had no problem so long as they were JUST friends, but after analyzing what she said and thinking about how she and my husband contradicted each other, I regret saying I had no problem. 

Then, when I saw that they still talk to each other, it bothered me even more because I know that if I ever received a call from someone elses wife saying that they thought their husband was cheating with me, I‘d do everything in my power to distance myself from that person.  But I don‘t blame her.  The blame lays with my husband because if HE knows it bothers me that he talks to her, and he knows that we‘re having issues because of it, why does he continue.  Not only that, but the other day I know that they talked on the phone because I was able to see the bill online.  When he got home, I checked his phone to see if he had deleted her number and he did.  He only deleted HER number.  That was the last time they talked for a long on...on the phone, because I know they talk at work. 

He brought her up yesterday telling me that now she talks to him like she‘s mad at him.  He said he was going to try and talk to her today, but that he wasn‘t going to beg her to talk to him. 

One last thing I wanted to add was that he‘s been telling me for the longest time (since I confronted him about her) that he wants me to meet her, but they always come up with an excuse.  When I called her the first time, after much talk, she said that my husband had invited her to my sons birthday part because he wanted her to meet me, but sadly, she was going to be out of town.  On my sons birthday party, my grandmother past away, and he claims she called him to see what time the bday party was going to be at, but he had to tell her it was canceled because of my gma‘s passing.  Last week, when he asked me if I had called Gloria at work, he said he had just talked to her and was going to invite her to come and eat breakfast with us, but he didn‘t know at what time she was going to get out.  I told him I could escort him to work so I could meet her.  He said no because she probably wasn‘t going to be there, but he‘d call me if she was.  He never called me. 

Yesterday, when he told me he thought she was upset with him, I asked him if he wanted me to call her to assauge her fears that I‘m not going to harrass her like that, he said no, that he‘d talk to her because he didn‘t want her to think that he comes and tattle tales on everything.  That‘s the second time he tells me that. 

I just want to have her look me in the eyes and tell me that nothing‘s going on.  For all I know, she may be some old woman and here I‘m thinking she‘s something my husband might find attractive.  I have nothing against her, though, but I‘m hoping that through her, meeting her, knowing who she is, I can find out the truth so I can stop wasting my time either on spying or my husband.  The only grudge I‘ll hold against her is if she is lying, and only because when she was trying to convince me that they had nothing going on, she swore on MY kids and hers.  Because of that, if she is lying, then she crossed the line because now she‘s mocking me.

Anyways, don‘t pay too much attention to me.  I have a hard time keeping a story short and I usually have too much time to rant.  Thanks for listening anyways, and I‘ll try and take your advice, as hard as it is to do without going back to wondering if he is cheating or not.  Take care.

P.S.  Do you think it‘s wrong to fantasize about what you‘re going to do if he is cheating on me?  I‘m thinking about finding out where she lives and then dumping his clothes on her footsteps and telling him to go and live with her if she wants him.  Ofcourse, that‘s only IF he‘s cheating on me with her.