WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / Staying for the kids? LEAVING for the kids

I would really try your darndest not to get any of your kids involved with anything. I don‘t know how old your son is but he sounds like he is an "eager to please" kind of kid....I would go out of my way to downplay any kind of mess that is going on. My philosphy has always been-"I don‘t want my girls screwed up like I am."  My older daughter knows what happened-(My husband ended up telling her without me around and put his spin on things by saying "mom just doesn‘t understand me and that‘s why I ended up talking to this girl at work.") My daughter was devastated but she still to this day feels that I was somehow part of the cause of the problems in our marriage-it‘s just so unfair that he manipulated my daughter,shrink, church, co-workers to make himself look like the "good guy" and you know what-it DID work for him which makes me even more angy. I have to so keep myself in control in front of my girls and it absolutely KILLS me to not flip out and make him look like the dirtbag he was for doing this but I also know that I want my girls to stay sane and not have these "issues" when they get older. My younger daughter knows NOTHING and I‘m keeping it that way...when I flip out at my husband it‘s always when the girls aren‘t around...maybe my philosphy isn‘t the right one but it‘s what I feel is the right thing to do...Good luck:) 

Gina:  Here is a bitter pill to swallow.  You are going to have to be the grown up and the bigger person in this scenario.  I agree with Lottalinda.  Refuse to involve the kids in any interactions between you and your husband.  Don‘t talk about him where they can hear it.  Don‘t respond to the things they repeat that he said.

It will make you angry and it will make you crazy.  Consider that your husband is hitting all of your buttons, knowing where you‘re weak, knowing what pisses you off, knowing what is guaranteed to get a reaction.  He is playing you like a puppet, and he is enjoying watching you dance.  It keeps him in control, and he enjoys using your son as a pawn to get at you.

If it gets to you, come here and vent.  Better yet, talk to people who are NOT family (and that includes your mother), who are not emotionally involved, and who will just listen and offer support.

Remember that your child is just a child, and not mature enough to reason things out, or to understand what is going on.  He is caught in the middle, and your husband is using this situation to twist his mind.

I have been through this and it is really, really hard to keep your mouth shut and not to lose control.  I feel like beating your husband to a pulp just hearing it.

Here is what I have found works best:  NO reaction.  Tell your son that he doesn‘t need to worry about Mom & Dad‘s problems.  Mom & Dad are adults.  His job is to just be a kid.  Tell him he doesn‘t have to take sides - he has the right to love both parents, and though Mom & Dad don‘t always see eye to eye, you both love him.  If he tells you the dirt on what Dad said, say, "I am really sorry that you had to hear about this."  And tell him if Dad wants him to spy on Mom or report back, that he can just tell Dad "You have to ask Mom about that."

I trained my kids to do that after my divorce when the in-laws were obsessing about whether I had a boyfriend, was seeing anyone, etc., etc., etc.  It infuriated me that they were doing this, and it was tough to maintain control and not "react" to the outrageous things they were saying and doing.  But the kids learned!   They got tired of hearing about the divorce.

I am sorry you have to go through this, but don‘t give the example of two adults behaving badly.  In the end, your son will respect you for handling yourself with class.