WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / Been Awhile

Hi All,

I‘ve been gone awhile...yeahhhh...went back to him...right up to the bitter end he‘s been playing me again apparently.  I‘ve found out much, but still...nothing to show me he actually has cheated on me.  I know, he probably is, but dammit, I still love the guy, and as big a liar as he is, I do know that he has never been more honest with anyone in his entire life than he has me.  If I don‘t have proof, I will go back to him.  Either everyone is lying to me, even with what I‘ve got, or he really isn‘t doing anything but looking-which I don‘t have a problem with.  But he‘s lying about that and what does that tell you?  I‘ve been in Al-Anon and Coda for over a year.  I am doing well.  Anyone have any suggestions how to catch him?  He is trolling true.com and CL on Cape Cod. 

Also, I am facing a sort of moral dilemna...He has lied to everyone in his life - about things he should not be lying about.  (Involving his job, sponsor, etc.).  He has changed information on a physician‘s paperwork that he had to submit for his job.  If anyone, knew his history, he would not have his current job (iv drug addiction, health issues, domestic violence-in addition to his alcoholism), which his sponsor aided him in getting.  I guarantee he is not being honest about any of these things with any women he may be in contact with either.  Everyone thinks he has been sober for at least 3 months.  He‘s never been sober for more than a couple weeks - he thinks a drink or two a day is sober.  He is currently drinking a pint a day, daily, and no one knows, but me.  He told me he used the program to get what he needs to survive.  And it wasn‘t the steps.  It was work and a place to live.  I might add, he is working with children. 

He cannot be honest with himself most of the time.  The #1 key needed for sobriety, for overcoming basically anything, is honesty. 

I am not looking for spite.

I have documented proof regarding all of it.

My god, I really do think he is a true predator.  He uses everything, everyone, every event to his advantage, and none of it is good or true. 

He will not own up to ANYTHING-and even tells me he will not be held accountable for anything.  If I call him on anything, he simply ends it and acts like I‘ve done something wrong. 

Everyone thinks I should talk to his sponsor.  Is this out of line in these circumstances?  I realize his family knows his history and how unreal it is that he has found a way to be where he is, but I don‘t think they would even dream that he wasn‘t honest about his background. 

If I do this, he will never speak to me again, as he will see it as a betrayal.  Yeah, like how many times has he betrayed me?  He has built his life on deception and taken mine apart with the same deception.  I have gone through hell and back so many times for this guy. 

If the organization he‘s involved with had done an actual criminal record check, they may have found out about his domestic violence incidents.  I found out on my own that he has been violent towards the children of many of the women he‘s dated.  He only told me about one.  He not only beats his women, he has gone after women friends and acquaintances.  He still has never lifted a finger to harm me.  Honestly, I think he mistakenly saw me as his typical victim and found a strong woman instead.  And that scares him.  He knows I am not afraid of anything-seriously. 

Aside from feeling guilty if I proceed with this.  I know he will crash it all anyways-he always does.  But, even if it does, these people really should be more careful in their hiring, and I can almost guarantee they still won‘t learn any of this.  They will just think he started drinking again.  And may even take him back later.  Just like we all do. 

PAX!

Gia

Gia, you and I are very much in the same boat.  I have been through everything you are describing.

Glad to hear you are in Al-Anon.  I went back, too, and it has helped me quite a lot.  I‘ve been working on the "Blueprints for Progress" book, and the 4th step inventory.  I recommend it highly.

If you know you are being lied to, and you know you are being conned, the relationship will not work.  It will, in fact, make you crazy.  And you are right that if he is not honest with himself, with you, and others, his program will not work.  You have no control over what he does, but you do have control over the choices you make for yourself.

I allowed my ex-BF back into my life in February, and he, too, showed great progress and sincere efforts to change.  He seemed to be making a lot of progress.  I won‘t hijack your thread by talking about my situation instead of yours.  I will only tell you that I can completely relate to everything you are saying.  I know how easy it is to rationalize all the things they do, as well as the part we play in it.

My only advice is to go to your meetings (the same way you already are) and to continue to work your own program, and the answers will come.  I can say stop trying to control the alcoholic, but you already know this, and I can personally attest how hard that is to do.  He needs to suffer the consequences of his own actions.  I believe his sponsor will catch on without any help from you.  If he is lying about his sobriety, that will become evident. 

On the issue of a job working with children, I think you do have a moral obligation to expose his past history of abuse toward children, as well as falsifying his employment information.  That is really dangerous, and if he is a black out drinker, you would feel terrible if he abused someone under the influence.  Let your conscience be your guide.  If children are in danger, you must do what you know is right.

My feeling is that if I accept the bad behavior, there are no consequences, and the alcoholic only learns that I will continue to accept more abuse.  Accepting lies (and in my case, sneak drinking) is accepting abuse.  By doing that, I am just enabling him.  He has no incentive to deal with his problems or to face consequences as long as I do not hold him accountable.  Letting him suffer the consequences is part of tough love.

I kicked the ex-BF back out on the street, and it has been very, very hard.  But it was absolutely necessary.  I know that alcoholism is a disease, but I can‘t let him take me down with him.

I know each person‘s situation is different.  Glad to see you back!

Hi Rhiannon,

So glad to hear from you!  I was wondering if you were still here and whatever happened with your situation.  I‘ve been getting weird texts from people I don‘t know and other strange happenings.  I am almost certain he is a cheater, probably having even more than one or two women going at a time.  He will not own any of this.  He still swears there hasn‘t been anyone but me and that he doesn‘t even talk to other women! He‘s called me a few times ranting about me being a stalker and having me arrested and things along those lines.  I told him to bring it on.  He is merely concerned I will cause him to lose his job, which he doesn‘t actually receive pay, but he has been given his own home and doesn‘t have to pay utilities.  He has his own business which is where his income comes from.  All I‘ve really ever wanted or expected from him or anyone in my life has been honesty.  That is what is hurting me.  I honestly don‘t care if he drinks or any of that, other than he is hurting himself.  He knows this.  I pretty much give him free reign to do whatever he wants to do - always have.  It is more the using and lying to me about his feelings for me and his loyalty and devotion to me that is killing me.  You wouldn‘t believe the crazy things he was saying to me on the phone!  Like I am the one who has done something wrong!  The more he talks, the more he reveals what a liar he is.  And you want to talk about stalkers?  I‘ve had someone trying to break into my place for the past few months, and actually had someone come in when I wasn‘t home.  I don‘t worry about these things-it just tends to piss me off.  Everyone immediately thought it must be him.  No way in the world I‘d even consider such a thing.  But you know what?  Hindsight...when he found out I had it under control, he stopped being concerned...and it stopped happening.  The most likely suspect is usually right in front of you.  He thrives on causing fear.  He now is making me out to be the psycho ex - which is a great way to keep his current women secret. He has bigger problems than alcoholism.  Sometimes being a drunk is a good disguise!   

lol...sorry for the ranting...just need to get it out.    Thanks for the input - you can hijack my posts anytime :) 

glad to see you back on.I am sorry to here that you are going threw h e ll thou.

if you know what sites he is on you can go and in and make a fake provile and see what he say‘s and see if he would meet you somehwhere.if he says he will them go there to see if he shows up and dont let him see you.

and what is cl in cap code?

it is hard when we love someone and we know they are not being thruthful with us about things  and blame us.and yet we still love them.

Thanks.  CL is Craigslist.  Women Seeking Men, Missed Connections, and God only knows what else. 

I‘ve got my proof.  He is one sick m@#t#erF%^k@r!  He really is completely sick.  I am sick to think I actually love this...thing.  Egh. 

He‘s done something pretty dreadful and is now turning on me, though I‘ve done nothing.  He is threatening me with the police, blah blah blah.  I have done nothing.  You should hear the messages he left!  I got so sick.  He may have bigger issues than I ever dreamed...damn has he been pulling the wool over my eyes.

I am so sorry ,he is trying to control you and you know that ,I dont need to tell you that.And I hate GL there are men out there and they evn tell them they are married and these woman dont even care.you got away from him once you can do it again.

keep posting and reading wew are here for you.

Basically, he‘s been playing me, convincing me and all around me that I am the only one, and we can‘t be together all the time because he is in and out of rehab all of the time and working, blah blah blah.  I‘ve dumped his sorry drunken ass I don‘t know how many times.  I‘ve found out the extent of his abuse of exes and their kids.  You would not even believe the extent of the hell I‘ve gone through for this dirtbag.  He has been being an absolute angel.  Unless I question him on anything-like why he doesn‘t answer his phone for days on end.  He wanted me to not know where he was, but he has so convinced me that me and his child are all he has, and he kept asking me visit, and I wouldn‘t.  But he still wouldn‘t tell me where he was.  And I found him anyways.  I called first.  He didn‘t believe me, but told me to come over.  Was he shocked...I just recently have been able to pinpoint his reaction...guilty!  All this time he‘s been working on his addictions, getting a life built, getting ready for his medical treatment...not!  He‘s doing the controlled drinking thing he always does.  I have no idea why he‘s kept me around and out of the way, and I don‘t care.  I know recently it is because he is afraid I will mess up his life with the truth.  And the sad part is, if he‘d been honest, as he‘s been claiming right up to the last voicemail the other day, we could‘ve at least have been friends.  He‘s been slowly repaying me the money he owes me, but I‘m taking him to court for the rest.  I don‘t know how many he‘s got going on, I don‘t know what kind of sick internet thing he‘s got going on because I did not go on his computer like he keeps accusing me.  I sure wish I did.  He sure seems worried though, and that is what bothers me.  I‘ve heard him say some pretty insane things when he‘s loaded and ranting and I‘m wondering if any hold any truth at this point.  Which is another thing I worry about with him having such access to kids.  I know he is sleeping with someone else.  I haven‘t figured out if it is legit, she‘s married, OR quite possibly a minor.  As crazy as it sounds, I‘ve got the family narrowed down, and I am really just not sure which one it is.  Married or a minor would sure explain his need for secrecy though.  And quite honestly, I wouldn‘t be surprised if he lurks around here...that‘s what he does...lurks around meetings...and rehabs...he learns the techniques and looks for victims.  Hell, she may have even been someone from the rehab he went to last year.  If it‘s the married one, I can‘t imagine him landing that, but whatever.  From what I‘m finding out, she‘s got hidden issues too.  ick.  He got all pissed off that I was going to alanon.  and coda.  always telling me how great i am and how i am not a victim.  definitely not the kind he‘s used to anyway.  It‘s all crazy and I am done.  i am going to move (again-don‘t even ask how many times it‘s been), I don‘t even want to look at anything I have at this point.  It all makes me sick because he‘s touched it.  He has a definite pattern going on throughout his whole life and it is so sick.  And so sick that I fell into it. 

Okay-enough.  Thanks for letting me vent!  I‘ll try to be more clear-headed in my future posts.

Gia:  They say in Al-Anon that you can hate the behavior and still love the person...

It can be very tough to remember that alcoholism is a disease.  It can be tougher yet to remind ourselves that co-dependency can be every bit as deadly.

I determined that I love the sober guy.  I love the intelligent, perceptive, insightful, sensitive, and considerate human being this man is when he isn‘t drinking.  As a sober man, I couldn‘t ask for a more caring or thoughful person to hang out with, or a better friend.  He is, bar none, one of the finest men I‘ve ever met.  When we get along, it‘s great.  I am madly in love with that person.

It is the love I feel for the sober guy that makes me hang in there when he falls off the wagon, when he screws up, and when he acts like a less than attractive person.  No one is perfect, and part of loving someone is taking the bad with the good.  I was more committed to this man - and loved him unconditionally - than I ever was with anyone else - even when I was married.

It comes to a point, though, when you realize that in spite of your best efforts, you cannot change or control anyone but yourself, and you realize that love is not enough.  If the other person does not want to get sober or stay sober, you cannot help him.  You can encourage him, you can assure him that you love him, and you can try to be there for him, but the fact is, if he has no desire to help himself, he is just going to take you down with him.

Here is the other thing.  If he lies to you (which most practicing addicts always do) about one thing, he probably lies to you about a lot of other things.  It is impossible to have a meaningful or lasting relationship with someone who is not honest with you.  It eats away at the fabric of a relationship, and where there are lies and deception, there is no trust.  And if you cannot trust, you really have nothing to work with.

You also have to look at all the drama in your life, and ask yourself if this is how you want to live.  Do you want a life where you are always checking up on someone?  Always second guessing whatever he is telling you?  If you know he is up to no good, and you are sticking around, you will eventually lose respect for yourself for allowing it.

I know all this because I have done it.  It is very, very tough to let go of someone you love.  Very tough to cut loose of something you have invested so much in.  I did it, and I am crying buckets of tears and missing him like crazy.  I knew, though, that I had to do it when I found myself flat wanting to kill him.  I was starting to turn into someone I don‘t recognize, and I was scaring myself.  I kicked him out in the middle of the night, and made him walk...

He called me like crazy for days, and it was tough to turn him away, but I did it.  It totally sucked, because I was going crazy without him (after 4 months of solid togetherness) but it was necessary.  He was sneak drinking, lying, you name it...and I knew I was enabling him by not forcing him to move.  When I talked to him about it, he admitted it was all a problem, but was not making any moves to change.  When he spent his paycheck on drinking instead of rent, I confronted him and made my move.  Very tough, but absolutely necessary.

I now have a 28 year old hottie as a roommate, LOL...  I still long for my BF, and miss him.  The hottie is young enough to be my son, and the "interest" is primarily financial and practical.  The one thing that helps is that we talk a lot and have a lot of fun.  A whole other story...

Be good to yourself Gia.  It‘s time.