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| gina** |
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Posted: 5/16/2008 8:40 AM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 37
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Total Posts: 125
anytown
Kansas
United States
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This is the worst feeling in the world. I thought I had proof, daily secret cell phone calls to/from the pathetic loser worm-woman (company underling...how f**king cliche), unaccounted for time, bad attitude in the marriage. This was 3 yrs ago. When caught, he/they claimed the ‘just friends‘ defense, although she sat there bawling on the phone with me like an idiot over how he has been ‘so good‘ to her (but innocent, mind you...*ach gag gag*) for 10 YEARS (and here I had no idea they had talked, much least were ‘best friends‘). She had been moved away several years at this point, so his big defense was ‘how could I have cheated anyway?‘. Well duh, planes? Cars? Greyhound? Come on, any place in the country is accessible within a few hours plus she has family here. Jesus....anyway, he called me crazy/jealous/etc, blamed me for upsetting the kids "over nothing‘ when me/kids left (for only a week). It was so traumatic. I moved back. Pretty soon we were back to daily status quo, and since then for all these years he has blamed me for...well everything...saying he didn‘t do anything and Im‘ ruining the family by not getting over it.
HE WILL NOT ADMIT IT....and that makes it soooo hard. We have 20 yrs together and young children. Our famlies are deeply intertwined. He does so many things right by us, and I love him crazy, but I love him now like a brother, I no longer have the respect for him that a wife should have for a husband, and I no longer want him to touch me. And the fact that he wont tell me what happened or admit anything just chaps my hide. He says: he doesn‘t remember what they talked about, she‘s an idiot, he made a mistake calling her but he didnt‘ DO anything, she‘s a crazy bitch for telling me they were so close, she‘s a liar (these are all his defenses, I wish she could only know how he threw her under the bus as soon as he was cornered. I guess he wasn‘t the ‘friend‘ she thought he was). I have thought about leaving, but the thought of "what if he didnt‘ do anything" stops me, plus other things stop me too. But...then I have also caught him oogling women since then, lying at where he‘s going etc. I think that specific gutter-trash from 5 yrs ago is out of the pic, but who knows...she was nothing to him, he would replace someone like that easily, knowing how much I hate her guts, she just wouldn‘t be worth it to him probably to arouse my anger again. So, I constantly have feelings he‘s doing something. Don‘t know with who.
I find myself being jealous of the wives who get their husband‘s/OW to admit it. That would be such freedom. Not knowing is awful. I kick myself in the butt everyday for not keeping my mouth shut back then so I could find out what they said to each other or whether they met or whatever.
I feel so stuck, and obsessed with the whole thing. To think that piece of trash was around my children! In my house! Makes me sick. I never liked her or was friends with her, but the company was small and close and she was occasionally invited over for things. I always hated that skank and told him so. So to think he not only did whatever, but with someone he knew I loathed makes it even worse. I mean, if you‘re going to do something at least don‘t do it with the woman your wife hates worse in the whole town. And she was such a lowlife, a spoiled brat who still lives off her parents who cheated on every boyfriend (and this was common knowledge even to my husband) and she is ugly on top of it. She will never be anything in life but a spoiled little whiney woe-is-me-I-need-a-big-strong-man-to-listen-to-my-problems loser. My husband is such an idiot. You‘d think he would have wanted to trade up, not 20 fathoms down below sea level.
Anyway...I‘m having such a hard time with his stonewalling. I have tried to drag him into counseling, I‘ve bought relationship books, I‘ve gotten family involved. I‘ve raged, cried, threatened. But I‘ve also gently asked and sworn to stay with him and forgive if only he would admit something and start working it out. Nope, all I get is a blank wall.
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| Momof4Crabs |
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Posted: 5/16/2008 12:35 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 0
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We be Jammin in
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If my husband hadn‘t come clean in about 30 seconds after I found out like he did-I would have left. Gone, goodbye.
The very least respect he could give you is admitting a mistake. Peace of mind.
Are you POSITIVE he screwed around?
and...
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| gina** |
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Posted: 5/16/2008 3:12 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Addict
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Age: 37
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| Momof4flowers wrote: | |
If my husband hadn‘t come clean in about 30 seconds after I found out like he did-I would have left. Gone, goodbye.
The very least respect he could give you is admitting a mistake. Peace of mind.
Are you POSITIVE he screwed around?
and...
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Thanks for the welcome.
I should have clarified it better. No I‘m not positive he screwed around, that‘s the point! All he will admit to was being stupid to call her, he admits calling her was a mistake, but he swears he didn‘t do anything else. Well, with how many times they called each other, him hiding his cell phone/not answering in front of me, and the fact that she had been moved away a few years at the time I caught him and I had proof that they had been talking that whole time....plus the fact that I always suspected they had a crush on each other, I know she did on him for sure. Coupled with all the times before she moved that they had ample time to be together, and the fact that everyone on earth knew she was a cheater, and the fact that he is pretty much a liar about lots of other things....I can only assume the worst. The secret phone calls went on years, and I had no clue. I mean, there‘s no way it was innocent.
It probably seems obvious to others. I can just imagine all of you sitting there thinking "yes you idiot he cheated!".
The whole thing is awful. I literally made myself physically sick when I found this out, it was so awful. That‘s what kept me from staying gone, I was so devestated I didn‘t have the physical strength to start over at the time. I moved back in thinking I would make a plan etc etc. But life just took over and here we still are.
I will never understand how someone could sink so low as people who cheat and the low lifes who cheat with them. Sadly for him, I just dont‘ think I can forgive him. Especially without anything from him, no information, or explanation, or real admission. All he will admit to is for exactly and specifically what I have actual proof of.
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| me4life |
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Posted: 5/16/2008 7:25 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Regular
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Age: 43
Total Posts: 76
Charlotte
North Carolina
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My opinion is this....
He cheated... He is one of those- deny it to the end because you have no concrete proof. He did something wrong or he wouldnt hide the cell phone. If he denies then you cant make him say anything you cant prove. If you have anything on him- tell him you know something and tell him that he better tell you the truth- and say before you figure out what you are going to tell me- you should know that I already know. Then see if he opens up and tells you. I am blown away by the number of cheaters out there.
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| gina** |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 6:18 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Addict
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| me4life wrote: | |
My opinion is this.... He cheated... He is one of those- deny it to the end because you have no concrete proof. He did something wrong or he wouldnt hide the cell phone. If he denies then you cant make him say anything you cant prove. If you have anything on him- tell him you know something and tell him that he better tell you the truth- and say before you figure out what you are going to tell me- you should know that I already know. Then see if he opens up and tells you. I am blown away by the number of cheaters out there.
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Seems obvious doesn‘t it. As far as trying to bluff him into telling-I tried that. Nope. It‘s like you said, his game is to only admit to what absolute proof there is, and deny even the most obvious as long as there is no record. Now what do I do? I WANT TO KNOW!
It‘s probably not just her, because funny thing is, she is ugly and he never liked her as a person. I think she was idiot enough to be his side trash and give him attention. I mean of course no beautiful, classy woman would fill that role, it would have had to been someone like her. But still, because I know her and I have some proof, I want to know this.
I‘m seeing a counselor, and it‘s pissing me off. Because I‘m actually paying money to try and figure whether/how to leave him. Damn this whole thing. I curse that skank with all my might.Oh well, her pathetic life is probably satisfaction enough for me. What damage could I possibly curse her with, she already sucks!! I wonder how well that whiny listen-to-my-problems schtick is working for her these days now that she‘s pushing middle age. Her parents must be sooooo proud.
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| me4life |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 10:22 AM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Regular
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Age: 43
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Gina-
First, quit acusing him for now. Dont let him know you think anything.
when he goes to bed- get that cell phone- and look at times and numbers. If he erases entries and he probably does if you are accusing him. Go to online and get history of phone calls from his phone. That is a start. If she is older, he probably likes the attention older women may give ( IDK)
Does he have activities that dont include you- like fishing, hunting, etc?
If so, follow him. ALot of this stuff can be done without any money. Does he have email account that you dont know about? It is my opinion- that the cell phone is a lifeline for a cheater. They wont erase all entries just the ones they dont want you to see.
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| me4life |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 10:24 AM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Regular
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Age: 43
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another thing-
NO woman wants to be just friends with only a man unless she has an agenda. Think about it. I am not saying that you dont have guy friends- but would they not be both your friends? Secret friends= are not JUST friends.
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| me4life |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 10:27 AM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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Oh 1 more thing- Even if she is town skank-
HE is not innocent by no means. It takes 2.
Even if he says she seduced him- whatever- he played his deceitful part. I would be very careful to believe anything they have to say. Trust your gut. They will try to save their ASS.
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| gina** |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 2:21 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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| me4life wrote: | |
Gina- First, quit acusing him for now. Dont let him know you think anything. when he goes to bed- get that cell phone- and look at times and numbers. If he erases entries and he probably does if you are accusing him. Go to online and get history of phone calls from his phone. That is a start. If she is older, he probably likes the attention older women may give ( IDK) Does he have activities that dont include you- like fishing, hunting, etc? If so, follow him. ALot of this stuff can be done without any money. Does he have email account that you dont know about? It is my opinion- that the cell phone is a lifeline for a cheater. They wont erase all entries just the ones they dont want you to see.
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Yes I had his cell records that‘s how I caught him. And you‘re right, cell phones are a life line of cheaters. Makes it easy. And she was using calling cards so A. Her boyfriend wouldn‘t find out and B. just the 1-800 calling card number would show up on my husband‘s cell phone bill. She was also using her phone. I think she probably was using calling cards when her boyfriend was likely to see her phone and when maybe they knew I was likely to see his phone. Maybe. Anyway, of course I called her boyfriend and let him in on what she was doing. He was none too happy.
What I did was I had to search through his stuff when he was asleep one night. He literally slept with that damn cell so I wouldn‘t get ahold of it. Once I had the records it took days of sorting out which was the suspicious call, but I did and when I did her number was all over his records. Then I politely called his cell company and convinced them I was just a nice wife who‘s delinquint teenage nephew had gotten ahold of our cell phones (of course that was a lie) and could she please help me figure it all out, and they told me the lenght of the calls and also where each call came from by the cell towers used. So then I knew he had called her several times when I was out of town with my parents, he actually called from my parents town after he dropped me off.
So the only records I have are for when she had already moved out of state (because then it was long distance and showed the number on his bill). But, I do know she was back in the area after that. Did they meet then? who knows. As far as to when she still lived here, there are few records because on his cell bill at the time it only said Incoming and not the number, and they were probably using land lines.
Anyway, I‘m just explaining it in case it helps someone else.
If he is cheating it‘s probably with someone else. I don‘t think she would be worth it for him to continue with her. I know him, and in his mind she would be easily replaceable.
And yes, the we‘re just friends baloney, what a crock. I even tried to give him a chance before I told him I had the records, and I casually asked ‘have you talked to ____ (skank) lately?‘ That was his chance to say yeah, but he lied like a dog. Had he simply said yes, I might have believed he was innocent. I called her too, and that was her chance as well but she handed me a line of crap too. Plus gave me a slew of fake phone numbers when I said "since we‘re all such good friends, I want your home number, your mom‘s number" she rattled off a bunch of fake numbers. So there you go. What a loser. What gets me is they are obviously busted and still sitting there trying to come up with crap like they are so smart. I mean, admit it you cowards!
Or maybe he‘s not doing anything now. Then he‘s one unlucky guy because he might be innocent but he had pulled such a doozy that I can‘t trust him now. Plus he lies about other things.
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| me4life |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 12:34 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Regular
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Dont ya just love him?
Thats right- they keep that cell phone close. They even turn it off sometimes when there are with you. Or put it on vibrate. And yeah, if she moved away he might be dome with her unless he just picks it back up when the dust settles. See how much I have learned. I was one observant bitch when I got lied to. It took me years to know this stuff. Not 1 or 2- many. And it wasnt all the time- but everytime I suspected something- if I looked hard enough I could find it. Sometimes- get this- it would be right up under my nose. And he would say- "now if I wasnt doing her- why would she come around" or he would call her infront of me and ask her about social plans. She never came around. That went on for months. When I first suspected- he said he hung out with her and her husband. THEN WHY WERE THEY THE ONLY ONES TALKING? I could write a book on what I learned. Might be called "SLICK DAWGGY"
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| supermom21664 |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 6:15 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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It souinds like he may never come clean about the situation. However if you have the records then you have all the proof that you need. It is simply a matter of deciding what YOU are going to do.
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| me4life |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 1:50 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver Regular
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you are right. You probably will never know for sure. I dont think he is going to tell you. He needs to protect his ASS(ETTS)
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| nstevens |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 6:18 PM |
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Subject: What if he won‘t admit cheating? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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I am sorry you are going threw this.They will lie there way to the bank.even if we have everything on them and make us feel like we are crazy and even get mad and yell.when they start yelling about it ,I find that it is becuase they are lieing and don‘t like that they got busted.
they seem to think they are all that and strong and yet they cant tell the truth to there wifes or there little side w h o r e.
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