WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / "We Are Just Friends"

Don- I am sorry for what you are going thru. I have read some of your posts. 

I get so sick and tired of these CHEATERS saying "oh we are just friends. We can talk about things. WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT -is when they are going to meet up again. That they miss each other. They love each other.- but they are not HUMAN enough to give you the choice of whether it is ok to live with a cheater. They lie, while you‘re scrambling to figure out what is going on. While your trying to figure out what is happening to your sanity.

And you want to forgive them? You want to keep your family together because YOU are thinking about your FAMILY and your LIFE- you know the one they dont seem to give a damn about.

Yep, they will tell you a lie and try to convince you that you are crazy for thinking that about them.  And part of you will want to believe them because you would never do something like that to them so why would they do this to you?  You will go crazy.  What I finally had to do is ask myself--what would I say if a friend told me the same story if it had happened to her?  Put some perspective on things.

Cheaters and liars will say the same thing over and over and over even when they are caught.   I confronted my husband (at the time) over a text message I read and he just about had me believing I had misread it.  Yeah, right.  I wanted to believe him even seeing what he wrote with my own eyes.  And he was "just friends" with her and "counseling" her through her divorce.  Yeah, right.  He must be a good counselor because they are married now.

And I will be honest with you, sometimes when I am feeling weak, I think to myself--did I misunderstand things?  But then I look at it this way too--even if I had misunderstood things would I want to be with a man so f*cking dumb that things could be misunderstood so badly?  No.

I couldn‘t stand the drama.  I am much happier now than ever when I was married.  He was way too much work.  I got tired of playing detective and feeling lousy all the time.  I love being divorced and should have done it years ago.  I recommend it highly--ha ha.

SAM

In some strange way, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one living this way. This has in fact reversed part of the gaslighting effect for me and I hope it has for others. But we should all remember that no one can make you doubt yourself unless you let them.

I have read that book, Not Just Friends. It is excellent and I highly urge everyone to read it.

My husband was caught having a sexual affair a year ago. After that, I went back into my innermost memory to several years ago and then questioned him on those doubts. I was right. It took him a while and a great deal of breaking him down on my part to admit it. My husband is one of those men just not capeable of being ‘just friends‘ with women. He has not always slept with them, but admitted that the sexual thoughts were there. That‘s a part of him that developed before we met. Long story...basically from a broken home with no moral boundaries. The ****tiest parents I have ever known of, even though they seem OK.

Anyway, I went back through every shred of paper I could from our marriage. Phone records, cell and land, and all financial records. I found out far more than I thought I ever would. When I doubted the nature of that one particular "friendship" years ago, I was right. he had an ongoing sexual affair with her and admitted it. I confronted him with other records he simply could not deny. I made calendars, traced charges and phone records, etc. If he was out of town working to make extra $, he was really using that time away to visit casinos and spend all the extra $ (and more), or he went to strip bars and fulfilled his disgusting needs. There was a great deal of online gambling and porn. Everytime I went out of town, he acted like a bachelor. I had some GUT feelings, but he always told me that he loved me and that the green moster was getting the best of me.

He had numerous innapropriate friendships with women. He went places with them and called them constantly. He covered this well and I was oblivious. These friendships hurt because I not only realize he had sexual thoughts about them, unlike his two-bit whores he discussed me with them. These were the women he complained about me to: I was too good, too straight-laced, made him feel like less of a person. Not my fault he had those feelings. I was living a moral, loving, productive life. I trusted him when he asked me to. I supported his career and his hobbies. He‘s the inadequate one, not me.

There is still an enormous amount I will never know everything about. That part grates at me everyday. But, I went back and tried my best to contact people we had known in other places that we had lived. The "gaslighting" had started long ago when I had questioned him(in an adult manner) on friendships and he told me that I was paranoid and not to act that way or it would destroy our marriage. At that time, I trusted him and believed him and let him have the space he said he needed. Yes, he needed space to cheat on me.

I too have been more pro-active in the counseling area, but I will say that he woke up. He did tuck his tail between his legs and go to a woman counselor, who got into the business because she had been cheated on. She brought him a good perspective and told him there were no excuses for his behavior. NONE! She was great. She in no uncertain terms told him he was the destroyer and he and his past had hurt an innocent party-me. Will it happen again? Who knows. At least this time I will never be so stupid and young as to believe him.

He knows that he is to have no contact with women who are not MY friends, even if those women are married.

He acted like a dog and now he lives like one. In a doghouse on a tight leash. That doesn‘t sound like much of a marriage, and maybe it‘s not. It‘s certainly not the trusting one I had had before. As I have said before on this board, I was married, he was not. Ironically, the last time he was out of town cheating on me I had engaged in a long conversation with one of my friends about how the trust in our marriage was great. He ****ed that up. He screwed around on me. He lied to me. I did nothing wrong except unknowingly choose damaged goods for a husband. I will never put up with any sort of spin or lies again, thinking that trusting my spouse is a requirement. And needless to say, any deviation from the parameters of our marriage which have been set up, clarified, and agreed upon, will result in immediate divorce.

I stayed with my husband- We started or should I say- I started growing apart.  I did not want to have sex with him. He crossed the line. He actually said, that he didnt know what I was talking about. Since then, I have been thinking about leaving him. ALOT. He seems to have straightened up knowing it was going to cost him his marriage and family. But I dont look no more and havent for a couple of years. I started taking care of myself. Losing weight, working and thinking of going back to school. I loved this man with all my soul. It wasnt that it was a one time feeling I had- it made me start thinking of other times when he told me I was crazy. There are alot of men out there like them. I was a good wife. I stayed at home, took care of kids, very supportive, loving. We never fought. Everyone use to say- if your marriage dont last then I would have have no faith in marriage. They didnt know everything. When I would try to get him to open up to me- he told me whatever I wanted to hear-unless it was going to get him in trouble. My tears didnt mean anything to him at the time he was getting by with things. It wasnt until I was ready to exit that he even really acknowledged what he did. Keep in mind I already knew the truth.  "Just Friends"- oh whatever. I felt rejected when he did these things- like what in the world is he looking for-

Since then- I havent cared if he touches me or not-I enjoy making love with him- but I can take it or leave it- he says-"

I am not warning you but you need to take care of me"

Sometimes I really want to- and sometimes I really just dont care. His space- he can have-because now I want my space too. I dont know if I will stay. I dont know if I want to. Yes I do love him with all my heart. But for the life of me- he didnt value me as much as I did him. And that is what I cant deal with.