WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / going out of my mind

Im new here and have been searching for signs of a cheater.

Ive been dating a man since june of 2007. After our first date he said i love you. I couldnt return the favor till i felt it which was a month later. We had alot in common, silly personalities, he lost a child to a disability and i have one so he understands epilepsy well. our daughters are friends. in the beginning we were both seperated, my divorce is final now but he still hasnt started his. on one date his seperated/wife followed us to a restraunt and introduced herself as the wife at this time they had been seprated for 9 months so i didnt feel it was a problem. I was troubled by this tho. time goes on and i notice little things like he never has his cell phone with him when were together if i come over he puts it away. He always keeps the ringer off the house phone. i snoop as to who calls and the ex and a previous girlfriend are on the caller id every week. he knows it bothers me but says he cant help if they call him thats why the ringers off he says they just want him to do things for them. in the beginning every now and then hed say i need to go to mom and dads (45 min away) i never believed him because their 80 and id get a text at midnight on his way back. i dont think most 80 yr olds stay up till 11 but i could be wrong. eventually i said i didnt believe he went to his parents. a few times hed slip saying it been a long time since he visisted when hed said 2 weeks ago he went there so thats when my trust hit bottom. at these times id cry, couldnt sleep wondering why i couldnt find someone who was honest like me. I had no proof so id continue with the relationship. christmas came and he was very good to me, i met his other daughter over dinner, met his parents and they were very sweet. he no longer uses the parents excuse but now once a week he doesnt call and i get a text between 11-12am saying sorry i fell asleep after work. he use to see me on the weekends and 1-2 dinners a week after work now its just the weekend with evening phonecalls during the week. i have 4 children here so im guessing thats why. lately ive been literally ill over this relationship. yes he sees me for the whole weekend while the kids are with their dad, he takes me to dinner and the movies, he has bought me very nice gifts for bday and holidays, but here lately we see less of each other, on a sunday eve i get a replied text to me that i didnt send (this gets graphic) "so he wants your body? that means he wants P***Y, can i have some P***Y? id like to be loving on you right now? i couldnt believe it! i said wtf! he said he re looked at his texts and said his brother had sent him a reply from a week ago and was thinking it was from me. Im not stupid but i guess he thinks i am. the next night i get no call except a 1145 text sorry babe i fell asleep. wow. the following weekend it was ok, then another no call night when the weekend came around we were together but no sex-1st time on that. I cried..i always cry. Im not sure if im too sensitive/low self esteem or im being treated like crap. I believe ive put up with this because i escaped an abusive marriage and im alone now with kids one who is very disabled and who in the heck would want that. I looked in the mirror the other day seeing a face that looks tired-stressed and not very happy. I see this going no where. ive prayed that i would be shown the truth but catching him has been difficult. i find myself during the week casing out the local places to eat. Im going out of my mind,

please share with me what you think.

Why waste your time trying to catch him?

Clearly this relationship is making you unhappy.  Why not just cut him loose?  He sounds like a greasy pig to me.

Besides, you‘ll never find Mr. Right when you‘re wasting all of your free time on Mr. Wrong.

Okay

First  anyman that told me he loved me on the first day  would be out the door,  that screams PLAYER to me.  This man  has been stringing along  his wife and his ex girlfriend.  Any woman that says  I am his wife  is still in love, 

This man has way to many red flags. 

You do deserve better then this!!

update: we broke up

BUT saturday we were leav‘n his place and he wasnt paying attention and he almost went into the path of another car much to my surprise he went nutso and squeeled his tired going this direction and that driving really fast to alumni/new circle racing other cars to get ahead on the ramp even went to the right passing a car on a ramp half on the emergency lane to get on new circle at a high speed riding peoples ass‘s i pleaded with him not to kill me and broke out in tears. you would think that would bother him seeing me upset and scared but noooo. I wanted to leave then and there but had no ride back to my car. he calmed down but just would look at me and shake his head like im the crazy one. we go to meijers like nothing happened, i had to wear my sun glasses bcuz i was ashamed my eyes were so red and puffy. we ran into a retired fireman he knows and he just stands there and talks and talks without a care. we get back to his place and says well if i never see you again it was good knowing you. i said wow! and left. he later sent me a text wanting to know if i made it home ok. in the morning on his way to the fire department to do his shift. i get several messages leading up to that he has seen the light and wants to change his ways because he could of died and knows what to do..start driving more like a woman. then the last was I love you babe! replied that i thought it was bad that he made light of his road rage endangered us and other people on the road because of his actions and not caring how much he scared me. what reply do i get-It was nice knowing you.


I ponder what to say next so i said that is your choice, it is done.


I have cried so much over this man from the beginning. why? i will have to work on that but at least i dont have to endure his constant remarks on women being stupid crazy drivers. At this point i dont think he was ever in love with me but a sad man who lost a very sweet, compassionate, caring women who just wanted to love and be loved.

Well Congratulations on two counts. First he didn‘t kill you and secondly you are free of him. My best and strongest advice would to have absolutely NO contact with him AT ALL. If he texts you - delete it. If he calls either don‘t pick up or hang up. He will get the point sooner or later. If you have any of his crap at your house then pack it up and mail it to him. Don‘t drop it off at his house. MAIL IT. Don‘t add a letter - nothing - just his crap.

Focus on you now. Don‘t worry about him. He‘s not your problem. You can not fix this twisted man. Kinda makes sense now why the wife seperated from him doesn‘t it? She obviously didn‘t really want him either.

You can do it. Don‘t try and look  back to see what you could have done. It‘s over. You didn‘t do anything wrong except date a sick man. It‘s on him. His loss. You can do way better - start to believe that.

Good luck,

TM

Hi Sky

I‘m glad you‘re OK, and that you finally dumped this guy. There‘s something WRONG with ANYONE who says "I love you" after the 1st date, and that should have been your 1st red flag. Anyway, it is over now. That‘s GOOD for you.

Take some further action to establish & maintain NO CONTACT:  BLOCK all his phone numbers from all your phones, and BLOCK his emails too.  Don‘t let any communication from him get to you. I have a feeling he will try. Tell your work not to put his calls thru to you as well.

Have NO CONTACT with this guy & you will heal faster. Don‘t run out & start dating again right away either. Take this time to heal yourself, spend time with gf‘s & family, and do some self-analysis - writing about it always helps me. Look at why you attract this kind of man, the red flags you ignored, etc. You need to learn from this experience so it doesn‘t happen again.

In 12 step programs, we often do a 4th step personal inventory, which helps us look at people, places & things we resent or are upset about, and our own part in the situation. You don‘t have to be in a 12 step program to do this. You can get info from the links below.

http://everything2.net/e2node/Fourth%2520Step

http://store.slaafws.org/

You might look into SLAA, and get some therapy, if you can.

Good luck, and NO CONTACT! You did the BEST thing for yourself!

UB

I want to thank those that replied to my posts. I was devestated this morning when my so called boyfriend sent me the text after expressing my feelings ‘its been good knowing you‘. I cried but mainly I was in a trance as to how someone that said they loved you could be so cold. I just laid in my bed most of the day in shock and having my self esteem hit rock bottom. I read the last 2 posts and decided to take a notebook with pen to my sons baseball practice and wrote about things that bothered me the effect its had on my soul and if he has bettered my life. I wrote pages after pages and at the end i wrote an affirmation several times "its over, he doesnt deserve me" when i was done I felt so much better. As of now Im feeling a new sense of strength. im going to carry this notebook in my purse as a reminder to myself. Tomorrow may be difficult i do not know but im feeling a new emotion-anger. I am going to keep on writing about my low self esteem not related to him as i had this before the relationship but i just want to thank those that take the time to write words of support and the truth that we need to hear. I believe in love but not now I need to become healthier in how i view myself and learn to not settle for a loser with huge red flags going off around me. hugs!