WomanSavers.com Forum / CATCH A CHEATER / Discovered he‘s married - Do I tell his wife?

I met a man on a dating site who said he was separated. We had an amazing connection. But after 6 months, I started to recognise some flags. The more I pressed to get answers the distant he became - not able to make a date, or call me back.  I also caught him flirting with one of his female employees (he owns a restaurant and works at night.) So I did some of my own dectective work, and found out that...

1)  He is in fact married

2) He‘s seeing at least two other women at the same time as me. One is his employee (a different one than the one I saw him flirt with) another is a married woman who lives near him.

3) A third employee recently left the job because she felt that she was having an "emotional affair" with him and that she was jealous of the attention he was giving the other employee he was sleeping with.

4) He constantly flirts with all the waitresses at his restaurant and there are at least two (but I don‘t know which ones specifically) who don‘t like his attention but are afraid to say something because they are worried about his reaction.

4) His wife‘s brother is his partner in the restaurant. (He told me he was the sole owner.) And it seems that his wife‘s family has invested some money into the business.

Clearly I had the wool pulled over my eyes!!!! The worst part is that I consider myself a feminist - I‘m all about supporting women, and acheiving equality. He knew that and played into it - making me feel he was "evolved". But the truth is - he is that kind of man that I have no respect for. He clearly treats women as objects - which goes against my core values. I haven‘t told him yet what I found out - but I am no longer in contact with him.

So here‘s the question...do I approach the wife and let her know about all his cheating? I feel bad for her. It has to be emotionally humiliating - let alone that fact about the increase of getting a STD.  But on the other hand, they have a family and business together - maybe it‘s better for her not to know.

Any suggestions?

What ever evidence you have simply mail it to her without a return address. She does deserve to know since she has a stake in the business and if one of those lovely ladies decides to pursue a sexaul harrassment suit the wife stands to lose money. She also needs to know so that she can be tested for STD‘s as you pointed out. You could go face to face with her but she probably will not believe you and she will tell hubby about it. He will then cover his tracks better. The wife does need to know and the co-owner of the restaurant needs to know that the jerk is having a relationship with the employee.

You are in a complicated situation but I am glad that you are attempting to remove yourself from it. If you do tell the wife you must understand that she may not believe you and he may becomevery angry with you. I my opinion the safest route would be to mail the evidence to thewife and partner.

What ever evidence you have simply mail it to her without a return address. She does deserve to know since she has a stake in the business and if one of those lovely ladies decides to pursue a sexaul harrassment suit the wife stands to lose money. She also needs to know so that she can be tested for STD‘s as you pointed out. You could go face to face with her but she probably will not believe you and she will tell hubby about it. He will then cover his tracks better. The wife does need to know and the co-owner of the restaurant needs to know that the jerk is having a relationship with the employee.

You are in a complicated situation but I am glad that you are attempting to remove yourself from it. If you do tell the wife you must understand that she may not believe you and he may becomevery angry with you. I my opinion the safest route would be to mail the evidence to thewife and partner.

Thank you for your advice! You brought up some very good points to consider.

In terms of evidence that I have...the other married woman he‘s having an affiar with - I discovered by a looking at his cell phone and seeing texts messages (which I now don‘t have access to.) And the inside info about the restaurant was confided to me by a lovely employee who felt sorry for me when I opened up to her. (She by the way, does not want to tell the wife herself for obvious reasons.) So if I was to mail anything, all I could do would be able to send the wife would be hearsay, and documentations and pictures from my relationship with him.  So it will be obvious who pulled the trigger - and I can bet you that he will find out too. (Not that I care to much about that aspect - other than he will be able to spin stuff his way more, and I won‘t be able to rebut it.)

If I was to spill the beans, maybe it‘s best I talk to her in person, where I can answer her questions, and she can see my sincerity. It would be very hard, be at least it has some sense of dignity. I‘m just worried that I may make things worse for her and her children by telling her.

First of all, good for you for considering his wife. Too many OW could care less if they find out about a wife and would continue the relationship.

Second, confronting her face to face could has it‘s ups and downs. Will she believe you? Will she turn hostile towards you? I think sending the proof you have in the mail is hearsay but it is also a safer route. For your safety I suggest the mail. She may not believe the hearsay but what says she will believe a stranger face to face over her husband?!?

Thank you for being supportive. I can never understand why some women don‘t respect the right of a wife.

In terms of mailing or meeting her - I was thinking of meeting her WITH ALL the evidence.  There are some items that don‘t lend them selves to mailing that I could show her as well. I have to many things for her not to believe me. Plus, if she has any questions, I‘m there to further explain. I want her to feel my compassion for her.

A new development ....I was just going thru some of the very first IMs I exchanged with this fellow, and re-read a story he told me about an old lover of his when he lived abroad.  I just did the math and now realised that his twin girls were already born at that date. I remember him telling me at a later date, that right after they had their girls, his wife lived with her parents while he was away finishing up his Masters degree in Europe. So he had affair on her while she nursing their newborns. What a creep he is.  Well at least I‘ve archived all our exchanges and I can give this revelation (written in his own words) to his wife as well.

Keep the advice coming!

Well, I wanted to start off the relationship very slow, because  my own marriage only broke up 12 months prior. So although we talked almost daily, we didn‘t first meet till 6 weeks after we first made contact.  Also, we lived in neighbouring cities, so it was not exactly convenient to see each other as much as a typical couple would. Add to the fact that I was a single mom and my time was limited, and that he ran a restaurant and worked most evenings.  We were lucky to see each once every 3 weeks. He would almost always come to my city (his locale was more of a suburb). When I did visit his restaurtant he didn‘t hesitate to introduce me to his staff. And he also invited myself and my children several times to dine there as well.  So I didn‘t feel like I was being hidden away. 

Under different circumstances, and dating a more typical frequency, I think I would have probably uncovered the situation much sooner.

hi,

way to go, you just gave some of my faith back, i found my husband cheating, no one told me, but at the same time his bitch deliberately went after a married man, in fact when i confronted her she had the hide to blame me. pffffft yeah right, she didn‘t like it when i told her he was getting everything he needed from me plus more, she especially didn‘t like it when i told her sex was something we enjoyed together 1-3 times a day. (at that time i wasn‘t lying)

but from a wifes point of view, i feel okay she may not want to believe you, and may very well believe the lies he tells her, but maybe you could put something in the letter along the lines of - i know you may not believe this, but before you go confronting your husband about these things i am telling you, maybe you should do some checking of your own, e.g. check his phone and ring the numbers to see who it is. if you have a computer check for things on it, (because chances are there will be more women). check everything. follow him if you have to. - also you don‘t know, maybe this isn‘t the first time he has done this, maybe she has known about it and needs proof.

you really do need to tell her, if she doesn‘t want to believe you then that is her choice. but remember when you do tell her she will go into shock, she won‘t know which way to turn and she may make the same mistake i made and confront him without all the evidence, and he will be able to lie his way out of it.

tell her the name of the dating site you met him on and give her his user name. with that she may be able to find out more for herself, especially on their own computer, which is were i found all the stuff mine had been doing. computers always leave tracks, even for dummies like i was, i knew nothing about computers before, now i know more than he does.

 you have to tell her, what she does with that info you cannot control, even if she doesn‘t believe you now, she will at some point.

I can‘t tell you all enough, how much I appreciate your support. Telling the wife is a scary proposition that does not come without risk, because this guy can have a temper and knows where I live.  But your words help me get past the fear.

Plus I need to prepare for the fact that his wife may refuse to meet me, or if she does, may chose not to believe me or just plain freak out on me (not because of anything I‘ve done, but simply because I will respresent a disturbance in her life.) My fingers are crossed, and I‘m preparing some stuff to give her. Hopefully altogether they tell a story. So here‘s what I‘m thinking:

- His first e-mail to me which where he states the date site we met on and has an enclosed picutre of himself.

- an e-mail address he uses for correspondance with women. his wife probably doesn‘t know about.

- An IM chat where he talks about his separation, and the problems he had in their marragiage.

- an invitation he sent me to attend the opening of his restaurant

- more photos he sent of himself

- various e-mails he sent me over several months confessing his love for me.

- photos he sent me of his two children

- e-mails exchanges between my 8 year old and him over several months

- a handwritten love letter he gave me for my birthday

- the $400 necklace he gave me for our first date

- a couple of bills from an expensive date (lunch at a winery and a wine tasting, stay at a luxery spa hotel that includes $80 worth of flowers, and room service - total amount $700)

- books he gave me, with his handwritten romantic inscriptions inside the covers

- an IM chat of him describing in detail a fling earlier in his life. (It was only later when I disovered the age of his children and went back and reviewed the exchange, that I reaalized that he fooled around on his wife with this women.)

- a list of stuff that other people have told me about him. (his other recent/current affairs, him sexual harrasing and touching his female employees, etc.)

_ and of couse my contact information, so she can reach me at anytime she wants.

How does that list sound?

I think you‘re doing the right thing by telling her. I wish I had gotten the call so I could have starting dealing with the aftermath sooner.

I would call her just to tell her what is coming in the mail. I‘d make copies of everything first. And let her know to email you if she wishes to meet in person (in a public place).She maybe freaked out or she may just say oh you‘re number so and so on his list of affairs. STD‘s are a big thing! I know I made my husband get tested after I found out.

I plan on calling his wife at work to ask her to meet me later. (Calling her at home would breech her sanctuary in my books.)  I would like to talk to her in person, because she‘ll be able to more accurately sense my concern for her, and I‘ll be able to answer any questions she might have.  E-mailing the proof, seems so cold.

I think you have a good suggestion to photocopy any original documents, just in case she wants another copy later on, for whatever reason.

I really hope it works out for you, but I can‘t seem to shake this uneasy feeling when I read this thread.

I‘m thinking of him knowing where you live, and the fact that you have children.  When he finds out that it was you, you could be putting your children in harm‘s way. 

I think you are doing the right thing .so many woman dont do the right thing.they lie and keep it going or just dont tell you anything even when we ask them about it.and act like we are the crazy ones .

I would be upset ,but glad that you were thinking of me and my children if it was my h doing this.

please let us know how this works out .and tell the woman about this site.