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Comedy for Women

   


mens jokes
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15 Items of Advice for Women add joke

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

3 Types of Men add joke

Q.  What are the 3 types of men?
A.  The handsome, the caring, and the majority!

 

3 Wishes add joke

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband he richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

3-somes add joke
Q.  What's the downside of a 3-some?
A.  He disappoints 2 women instead of 1.
A Fed-up Housewife add joke

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

The husband replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, Could you please fix the steps to the front door then? They're about to break."

"Im not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this! I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar, has a few drinks, and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife. So he decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are fixed. Inside, the hall light is working and the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

His wife said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him"? asked her husband.

"Hello! Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

A Man's Heart add joke
Q.  What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A.  Through his chest with a sharp knife.
A Sweet Love Story add joke

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face? "

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise.

OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP SHIT HEAD!  DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR DAMNED FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after.

A well planned life. add joke
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.  One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
 
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A woman without an asshole add joke
Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A: Single!!!
Advice from Women to Men add joke

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear;
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim;
3. If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts;
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie;
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime;
6. Please don't drive when you're not driving;
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed;
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts;
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care;
11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too;
12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way;
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt;
15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us;
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level;
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you;
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Affairs add joke

A professor of mathematics left this letter on the kitchen counter.

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are a 56 years old and I have certain needs which you ar eno longer able to satisy.  I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.  I'll be home before midnight.
     Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You, too, are 56 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Sheraton Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.  Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.  Therefore, don't wait up.

     Your Wife

Affairs to Remember add joke
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.  As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Filler, who was about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery. Filler had the longest private part he had ever seen!  "I'm sorry, Mr. Filler", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling.  He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.  "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, " Filler is dead!"

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.  Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.  "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four  cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Aging add joke

A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays. During their anniversary party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Airline Rampway add joke

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the ramp way there was a woman collecting tickets. When the man got to the podium, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The ticket agent said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Appendix add joke
Q.  How is an ex-boyfriend/husband like an inflamed appendix?
A.  It caused you a lot of pain and after it was removed, you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Beef Jerky add joke

Q.  What food describes most men?
A.  Jerky!

Before & After Marriage add joke

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating
Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start
Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like I'm living in a dorm
Before - Roses $60/doz.
After - Roses $1.50/stem
Before - Turbocharged
After - Jumpstart
Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl
Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain
Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat
Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere
Before - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressing
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before - Passion
After - Ration
Before - Once upon a time
After - The end

Before and After add joke

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

Best Friend add joke

Q.  Besides his dog, what's man's best friend?
A.  His hand.

Blowjobs add joke
Q.  Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A.  Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Book add joke
Q.  What is the thinnest book in the world?
A.  "What Men know about Women."
Boy Toys add joke

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!"

Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football,"Nah Na Nah Nah".

The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!"

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!"

To which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Brains in their dicks add joke

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here."

Bras & Briefs add joke

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

 

 

Bubble Bath add joke
Q.  How does a man take a bubble bath?
A.  He eats beans for dinner.
Castration add joke
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
Chasing Cars add joke
Q.  Why do men chase women they have not intention of marrying?
A.  For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Cheaters add joke

80% of men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.

Child Support add joke

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "O.K."

Later.......
Daughter: Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."

Cleverness add joke
Q.  Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A.  A CLEVER woman wouldn't become a wife!
Commercials add joke
Q.  Why are men like commercials?
A.  You can't believe a word they say.
Dead Prick add joke
Q.  Why did the woman wear black to bed?
A.  To mourn the dead prick beside her.
Dear Abby add joke

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.   One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.   Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.   It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.   Should I believe him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour very week for 2 + years.   He must be crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?   I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered.   Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.   Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.   What now?

 

Dear John add joke

Dear _____(fill in)__ :

Well, it was good while it lasted, but now (check appropiate answer):

___ the county health services wants your phone number.
___ time wounds all heals.
___ you can have an intimate relationship with your answering machine.
___ is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party.

I finally got the
___ message.
___ picture.
___ joke.
___ right cologne.
___ blood test results.

I don't
___ like
___ want
___ need
you.

Too bad, because when you want to, you can be
___ beautiful.
___ handsome.
___ intelligent.
___ very psychic/psychotic.
___ a sex maniac.
___ God's answer for having too much fun.
___ Arnold Schwartzenneger's prototype for Terminator 3.

I would greatly appreciate you taking responsibility for
___ your own "stuff,"
___ feeding the starving sharks,
___ paying for your own lobotomy,
and being
___ confused.
___ a nutjob.
___ a preoperative transsexual.

I didn't
___ have an impure thought,
___ tell anyone about your operation,
___ write to the National Enquirer,
___ bribe that short guard in cell block D,
but I wish I had.

Thank you for helping me to see the light about you.  I now no longer feel like
___ seeing you.
___ knowing that you ever existed.
___ flushing the toilet for you.

Sincerely glad to not be yours,
(signature)

Dedicated to all Firemen add joke

A fireman tells his bride that he wants sex when he comes home from the firehouse.  "When I shout One Bell, it means get undressed. Two Bells, get in bed.  Three Bells, spread your legs."

A few days later, he comes home to test his system.
"One Bell!" he yells, and his wife strips.
"Two Bells!" he yells, and his wife hops in bed.
"Three Bells!" he yells, and her legs part for him.
A few minuted into the lovemaking and suddenly his wife yells out, "Four Bells!"
"What the hell is Four Bells?!" the fireman snorts.
"It means I need more hose."

Dedicated to the guys who spammed my message board add joke

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q. Why do men break wind more that women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and you wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

Q. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A. It's called a wedding cake.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

 

Differences between Men & Women add joke

Even though we can now explain differences between men and omen's social conduct genetically, several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answers may be a few centuries away yet... for instance, can you explain why...

Men drive to a party, women drive back.

Heterosexual women are not frightened of lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals - once they are pointed out to them by women.

Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: e.g. drink a cup of coffee.
In the same time a single-tasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat.

A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman, will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.

A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo.

Different definitions of words add joke

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing hockey without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Dogs & boyfriends add joke
Q.  How are boyfriends different from dogs?
A.  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Donkey Therapy add joke

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

O.K., right... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE SHIT out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping. I bet you thought I was going soft on you...FAT CHANCE.

The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

Drowning Man add joke
Q.  How do you save a man from drowning?
A.  Take your foot off his head.
Escaped Convict add joke

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.  As he gagged the wife, the robber whispered something into her ear.  As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  Just cooperate with anything he wants.  If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.  Our lives depend on it."
     "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way because he just told me he thinks you have a really cute ass!"

Facts of Life add joke

A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life.  The girl says, "Mommy, what's a penis?"
Her mother says, "That's what your father pees with."
Then the girls says, "So what's a prick?"
Her mother frowns and says, "That's what is attached to the penis."

Fake Grass add joke
Q.  Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A.  To keep them from grazing.
Faking It add joke
Q.  Who fakes most during sex?
A.  Men (Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm.  But only men can fake entire relationships).
Faking Orgasm add joke
Q.  Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A.  Because so many men fake foreplay.
Farmer add joke
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her, grabs her tits and says, "Honey, if you could get milk out of these, we could sell the cow."  Then he grabs between her legs and says, "Honey, if you could get eggs out of here, we could sell the chickens."

She turns to him, smiles, grabs his dick and says, "Honey, if you could get this up, I could get rid of your cousin."
Feelings add joke
Q.  Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A.  Because they don't have feelings.
Finding a Boyfriend add joke

Q.  Why is it so hard to find a man who is sensitive, caring and emotionally mature?
A.  Because they all have boyfriends.

Fishing add joke

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins to read her book. Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

Friends add joke

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

G-Spot add joke

Q.  How does a woman's G-spot differ from a golf ball?
A.  A man will spend 20 minutes trying to find a golf ball.

Geography of Men & Women add joke

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick

God's Gifts add joke

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, and had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went.

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Good News and Bad News add joke

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Gorillas add joke
Q.  Why do women date jerks?
A.  Because all the sweet, cuddly, caring ones were hunted to extinction.
Grandpa add joke

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Handcuffs add joke
Q.  What do you call a handcuffed man?
A.  Trustworthy.
Hangman add joke
Q.  How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A.  When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Happily Married add joke

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.  The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.  She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!  Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she  heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!  After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right.  All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."  "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Having it all add joke
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
He said...she said add joke
He said . .. . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . . They don't have time

He said . . .. What do men and sperm have in common?
She said . . .They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

He said . . . How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
She said .. . . He buys two cases of beer.

He said . . What is the difference between men and government bonds?
She said. .. . The bonds mature.

He said . . . Why are blonde jokes so short?
She said . . . So men can remember them.

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .. . ....... We don't know; it has not ever happened.

He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said .. . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said .. . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

He said . . . What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
She said .. . . They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Heaven and Hell add joke

A widower who had never missed his wife until she was gone went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. Arrangements were made and one dark night he finds himself talking to her.
"Honey," he says, "is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then heaven must be an amazing place."
"I'm not in heaven, my husband."

His & Her Story add joke

Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her Story:
"Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his my I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"

His Story:
"Shit day at work. Great shag later."

How to Impress a Woman add joke

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked

Husband walking out add joke

Q.  What's the best thing to do if your husband walks out on you?

A.  Lock the door.

I hear ya add joke

What a woman says:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

What a man hears:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!

If Men got Pregnant add joke

* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
* Women would rule the world.

If women ruled the world... add joke
  • Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
  • PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
  • Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
  • Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket.
  • A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
  • Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 30 pounds.
  • Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
  • "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
  • Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
  • Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
  • Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
  • Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
  • Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures.
  • Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful" and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
  • Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
  • Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
  • Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
  • All toilet seats would be nailed down.
  • Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
  • TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
  • All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
  • During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
  • Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
  • After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
In common add joke
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
In the Navy add joke
This guy decides to join the navy.  On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.  The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?"
The sailor replies, "well, there is this barrel on the upper deck.  Just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel.  He climbs to the upper deck and sees it.  He flings his cock out and starts fucking the barrel.  It's simply the best feeling he's ever experienced, better than he ever imagined something like that could be.
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the sailor who originally told him about the barrel walks by.  "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!" the guy says to him.
To which the sailor replies, "Yeah, you can do it every day except Thursday."
Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because it's your turn in the barrel on Thursday!"
Intalling Husband 1.0 add joke

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Jack & Jill add joke

Jack & Jill were on their way home from the bar one night and Jack got pulled over by the police. The officer told Jack that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. Jack said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jill said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for Jack's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again Jack apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jill said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time Jack is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer and he said in a rather loud voice, "Damn Jill, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jill and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jill replied, "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK."

John Bobbit's Prayer add joke
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my penis I will keep
And if I wake and it is gone
I hope I'll find it on the lawn
 
I hope the dog that's running free
Don't see that little part of me
And many cautions I must take
To keep that part I love to shake
 
Much attention must I pay
To see the knives are put away
The mower, chainsaw, and hatchet, too
There's just no telling what she'll do
 
So I cross my fingers, close my eyes,
And cross my legs to avoid surprise!!!
Just Married add joke

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.  As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big, macho man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.  "I can't wear your pants!" she said.
He shot her a stern look, paused, and then said, "That's right, and don't you forget it.  I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."
Hearing that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecaps.  He said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "And that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes."

King & Queen add joke

Guy, naked in front of the mirror: "Two inches more, and I would be a king."

Wife: "Two inches less, and you'd be a queen."

Laundry add joke

Q.  Why can't Stevie Wonder sort his laundry?
A.  He's a man.

Lightbulb add joke
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One...men will screw anything.
Lightbulb screwing add joke
Q.  How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A.  One, men will screw anything.
Locker Rooms add joke

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about two things in the locker room -- sex and men. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Lottery add joke
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "George, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Should I pack for warn weather or cold?"
"Whatever you want.  Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
Magazines add joke

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Making Love add joke
Q.  What is the definition of Making Love?
A.  That's what a woman is doing while the man is FUCKING her.
Marriage Anonymous add joke

They have something now called Marriage Anonymous. When you feel like getting married, you call somebody and they send over a man in a dirty t-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like beer and watches football.

Married Couple add joke
A couple were married and following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.  "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.  "And I don't expect any trouble from you.  Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.  I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing with my buddies whenever I want.  Those are my rules," he said.  "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No that's fine with me.  But just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
Married Women add joke

Q.  Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.  Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the refrigerator.

Mascara add joke

Q.  What do men and mascara have in common?
A.  They both run at the first sign of any emotion.

Masturbater add joke
Q.  Why do men masturbate?
A.  It's sex with someone they love.
Masturbation add joke
Q.  Why do men masturbate so much?
A.  So they can have sex with someone they love.
Men are like... add joke

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like ... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like... add joke

Men are like...laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like... add joke

Men are like...chocolate mousse.
It's nice to have but who needs it?!
(originally said by Cher)

Men are like... add joke

Men are like...dirty diapers.
They both need to be changed and often for the same reason.

Men are like... add joke

Men are like...children.
Do I need to say more?!

Nature's Viagra add joke
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

No good men add joke
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Not-So-Secret Male Handbook add joke

1. Practice grunting 5 times per day.  While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, (i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.)

2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some milk.

3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.

4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."

5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.

7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.

8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.

10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about the size of her, um...

11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the shower) or don't show up at all.

12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. Tell her (and them) she just has PMS.

14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of -- you know how she loves them!

15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.

16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room so you don't miss the show.

17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?

19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

20.  Blame everything on PMS.

Nudist colony add joke

George joins a very exclusive nudist colony.  On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.  A gorgeous, petite, blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.  The woman notices his erection, comes over to him smiling sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
George replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain.  It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."  Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her, and happily lets him have his way with her.
George continues exploring the facilities.  He enters a sauna, sits down and farts.  within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam toward him.  The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
George replies, "No, what do you mean?"
The big man says, "You must be new here.  It is a rule that when you far, it implies you called for me."  The huge man then spins George around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
George rushes back to the colony office.  He is greeted by the smiling receptionist, "May I help you?" she asks.
George says, "Here is your card and key back.  You can keep the $500 membership fee."
The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours and you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."
George replies, "Listed lady, I am 55 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day.  No thanks!"

Nun add joke
A nun hops in a cab and the driver can't stop smiling.
"What's so funny, sonny?"
"Well, Sister, it's embarrassing, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun."
The nun looks down for a moment, then looks up and says, "I admit I am tempted, but only if you are Christian and not married."
The cabbie answers that he is Christian and not married and they proceed with their encounter.  Afterward, the cabbie feels guilty and blurts out, "Sister, I'm sorry.  I lied.  I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun looks down again and says quietly, "It's all right, son.  I'm Lutheran and my name is Ralph."
Old Man add joke

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.  After a year of marriage she went into hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "Youve got to keep that old motor running".

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing how do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running".

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running". The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's
black."

Orange Dick add joke
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me.  My penis is orange."  The doctor asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.  Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.  The doctor tells the guy, "This is very strange, although sometimes things like this are caused by stress.  How are things going at work?"  The guy responds that he was fired about 2 months ago.  The doctor tells him this could be the cause of the stress.
The man responds, "No."  The boss was a real asshole.  I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week.  I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.  He asks the guy, "How's your life at home?"
The man says, "Well, I got divorced about 8 months ago."  The doc figures this has got to be the reason for all of the man's stress, but the man says, "No.  For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.  God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.  He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really.  Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.
Panties add joke

Two guys are leaving work when one says: "The first thing I'm going to do when I get home is rip my wife's panties off."

"You're that horny?"

"No, the elastic is killing me."

Penis & a Brain add joke

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"

Penis Hole add joke
Q.  Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.  So men can be open minded.
Penis Names add joke
Q.  Why do men name their penises?
A.  Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Penis Raise add joke

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Dear Penis,
 
after assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
 
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of time.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations such has wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
 
Sincerely,
Management

Perplexing Question add joke
If they can put one man on the moon...why not all of them!?
Phone Sex add joke

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute

Photograph add joke
A man recently moved to a nudist colony, but decided just to tell his mother he was livign near the beach.  After a few months of naked bliss, he got a letter from her saying, "Dear Son, as I have no recent photos of you, can you please send methe most recent one you have?  Love, Mom."
Well, the man didn't have any photos of himself that didn't show him naked, so he decided to chop one in half and send just the top half.  A few weeks later, he got a letter from his mother saying, "Thanks for the photo and could you send another to your grandma?"  And so he did, but he made a mistake and sent her the wrong half.  The man got really upset but then remembered his grandmother's poor eyesight and he decided it would be okay.
Two weeks later, he gets a letter back from her saying, "Dear Grandson, I think your photo is great.  But you really should change your hairstyle - it makes your nose look too big!"
Pick up line responses add joke

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: So, baby, your place or mine?
She: Both. You'll go to your place and I'll go to mine!

He: Your legs go clear up to your ass.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

Pillsbury Doughboy Dies add joke
It is with a heavy heart that I must pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butter-worth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.  Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Play Time add joke
Q.  Why do men have dicks?
A.  Because eventually toy cars get boring.
Prayer add joke

Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom:
To understand my man
Love:
To forgive him
Patience:
For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

Psychics Prediction add joke

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Restrooms add joke

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.

Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

Rodney Dangerfield add joke

Subject: Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
Rest In Peace Rodney, you've given us all so many laughs!

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S 21 BEST ONE LINERS

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and she said, "Come on over; nobody's home."  I went over.  Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said to the guy,  "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"  He said "Because you came home early."

5.  It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and radio

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.  We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"  He said .."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.  My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19.Some dog I got.  We call him
Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.  His favorite bone is in my arm.  Last night he went on the  paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Romance add joke
Q.  What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A.  Sex
Romantic Men add joke
Q.  Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who his handsome, a good lover and romantic?
A.  In the pages of a romance novel.
S & M add joke

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, jobs., etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replies, "It's been great ever since we got into S & M."

Sue is aghast. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He Snores and I Masturbate."

Sailor add joke

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.  A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.  "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time.  Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.  Besies that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.  A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation."

So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife.  "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to ge tyou into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

Similarities add joke
Q.  What do men and apes have in common?
A.  Are you serious?
Ski Trip add joke

Three guys go to a ski lodge where there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.  In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing.

Snakes add joke
Q.  Why did God create men?
A.  She forgot to put legs on snakes.
Snoring add joke
Q.  Why do men snore?
A.  When they fall asleep, their balls hang over their assholes and they get vapor lock.
Spineless add joke
Q.  Why do men have spines?
A.  If they didn't, they'd suck their dicks all day long.
Superman add joke

Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for trouble when he spotted Wonder Woman apparently sunbathing nude on top of a building.  "Well," he thought to himself, "I'm so fast I bet I could fly down there and nail her before she even knew what hit her."  So he undid his yellow belt, lowered his red shorts, flew down, did his thing, and soared off into the Metropolitan sky.

Wonder Woman lay stunned, "What was that?" she said out loud.
"I don't know," groaned the Invisible Man.  "But my ass sure is sore now."

Talcum Powder add joke

April, he hollered into the bathroom, Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?

She shot back, Its not talcum powder.

Its Miracle Grow.

The Gender of Non-living Things add joke

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.  For example:...

1)   Ziploc Bags -- They are Male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2)   Copiers -- They are Female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3)   Tire -- Male because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4)   Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5)   Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6)   Web Page -- Female because it's always getting hit on.

7)   Subway -- Male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8)   Hourglass -- Female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9)   Hammer -- Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10)  Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say add joke
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her tits are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody. 4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
The Origin of Man's Sex Life add joke

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

But the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said that of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said that yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

The Paradox of Men add joke
If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner. If you can go down on them, they are jealous that someone taught you how. If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them. If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework. If they want sex, they won't let you sleep. If you want sex, they won't wake up. If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want. If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.
The Perfect Man add joke

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

The Real Frog Prince Story add joke

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

"That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so.


The River add joke
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.
Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. 
Timing is Everything add joke

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye and said, "We wanted to wait until the children were dead." 

Top 10 Things a Woman would do with a penis add joke

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fasinating about beating the meat
7. Pee standing up while talking to another man at the urinal
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently 5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction, which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement

And, the number one thing that a woman would do if she woke up with a penis?
1. Repeat #9

Top 10 things men know about women add joke

10:  They have breasts.
9:  They have a vagina.
8:
7:
6:
5:
4:
3:
2:
1:

True Love add joke
Q.  What does a man call true love?
A.  An erection.
Trust add joke
Q.  What do men and women have in common?
A.  They both distrust men.
Types of Men add joke

Joe Sensitive

After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and
watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones
"Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak
"Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

UFO's add joke
Q.  What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
A.  You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
Urine Specimen add joke
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen. I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
Viagra Follow-up add joke

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA
- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

 COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA
- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA
- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra (like Salt Peter!!!). Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting
U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA
- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with their significant others.
FLATULAGRA
- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA
- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.
PROJECTRA
- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
LIAGRA
- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Vibrators add joke
Q.  Why are vibrators better than men?
A.  Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk and you don't have to do their laundry.
What a Jerk! add joke

A guy friend goes over to his friend's wife's house.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

 

What a woman wants add joke
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get? The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
What I want in a Man add joke

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 34)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 44)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 54)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 64)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 74)
1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

What men think about. add joke
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
What most men like add joke
Q.  Why do most men like women with big breasts and small vaginas?
A.  Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.
What sex are computers? add joke

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups (appropriately enough, by gender) and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending.half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Why are men so selfish? add joke

Sometimes we wonder where men learn to be so selfish. A substitute teacher reports recently she was teaching math to some second graders. She said to one boy, "If you have five apples and I asked you for one, how many would you have left?"
The boy didn't bat an eye. "Five," he answered.

Why buy cow when milk is free? add joke
 For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....just to get a  little sausage.

Submitted by Manhater member DeAnn

 

 

Why Dogs are Better Than Men! add joke

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

How dogs and men are alike
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

How men are better than dogs
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! (If you're a woman that is !!!)

Why Santa can't be a man add joke

* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Wife vs. Husband add joke

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

You can't tell a book by its cover add joke

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

 

You might be a bachelor if... add joke

*A dress shirt is "fine" if it only has one or two wrinkles in it
*You smell your clothes to see if you can wear them (again).
*You buy a really big trashcan for the kitchen so you don't have to take it out as often.
*It takes you ten minutes every six months to buy new clothes (Let's see, I'm out of jeans, white T-shirts, black T-shirts, and socks.)
*Your car gets waxed more often than the toilet gets cleaned. (People clean toilets?)
*You belch and fart in public without apologizing
*You turn your socks and underwear inside out so you can wear them twice as long.
*You have the pizza place on speed dial.
*Instead of cleaning for guests, you just keep the lights low.
*Paper towels double as dishes.
*Beer is the freshest item in the fridge.
*Beer is the ONLY item in the fridge. 
*You never listen to your messages when a female is around.
*Your entire house is trashed except for your entertainment center
*Cooking anything longer than five minutes is a waste of time.
*The last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in.
*You don't feel guilty about leaving the lid up.

Young Stud add joke

Fred was unable to satisfy his blonde wife.  He tried all the positions but just couldn't do it.  He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice.

The friend said, "Hire a well-hung young stud to stand near your bed and wave a big towel over both of you while you are having sex, like a Roman slave.  Your wife is bound to be turned on to the point that she can come."

The guy hired the stud, but all efforts were in vain.  He went back to his friend and told him what happened.  So his friend suggested that they switch places.

"Why don't you wave the towel while the young, well hung stud does the job in bed?" said the friend.  Fred agreed, saying that he would do anything to satisfy his wife.  He hired the same guy again, and this time they traded positions.  Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.

As she screamed, the husband leaned over to the stud and said, "You see!  That's how you wave the fucking towel!"

The Smarter Sex add joke

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

The Wife Translations Guide add joke

The Wife Translations Guide

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: Its your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: Youll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I dont want you to

The wife says: Im not upset
The wife means: Of course Im upset you moron

The wife says: Youre... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: Im going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today youre not going to like.

The wife says: Ill be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me Im beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Im sorry
The wife means: Youll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All were going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: Im coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: Im not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "Whats wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: Its just that youre an idiot.

The wife says: I dont want to talk about it.
The wife means: Im still building up steam.





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