Comedy for Women

Q.  What are the 3 types of men?
A.  The handsome, the caring, and the majority!

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear;
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim;
3. If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts;
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie;
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime;
6. Please don't drive when you're not driving;
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed;
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts;
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care;
11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too;
12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way;
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt;
15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us;
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level;
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you;
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

A professor of mathematics left this letter on the kitchen counter.

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are a 56 years old and I have certain needs which you ar eno longer able to satisy.  I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.  I'll be home before midnight.
     Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You, too, are 56 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Sheraton Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.  Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.  Therefore, don't wait up.

     Your Wife

Q.  What food describes most men?
A.  Jerky!

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating
Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start
Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like I'm living in a dorm
Before - Roses $60/doz.
After - Roses $1.50/stem
Before - Turbocharged
After - Jumpstart
Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl
Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain
Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat
Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere
Before - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressing
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before - Passion
After - Ration
Before - Once upon a time
After - The end

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

Q.  Besides his dog, what's man's best friend?
A.  His hand.

1. First and foremost, we are NOT obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. (See also rule #2 about gratitude.)
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!"

Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football,"Nah Na Nah Nah".

The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!"

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!"

To which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here."

80% of men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "O.K."

Later.......
Daughter:” Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.   One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.   Do you think they could be Lebanese?
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Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
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Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
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Dear Abby, I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.   It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.   Should I believe him?
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Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour very week for 2 + years.   He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?   I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
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Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered.   Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
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Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.   Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.   What now?

Dear _____(fill in)__ :

Well, it was good while it lasted, but now (check appropiate answer):

___ the county health services wants your phone number.
___ time wounds all heals.
___ you can have an intimate relationship with your answering machine.
___ is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party.

I finally got the
___ message.
___ picture.
___ joke.
___ right cologne.
___ blood test results.

I don't
___ like
___ want
___ need
you.

Too bad, because when you want to, you can be
___ beautiful.
___ handsome.
___ intelligent.
___ very psychic/psychotic.
___ a sex maniac.
___ God's answer for having too much fun.
___ Arnold Schwartzenneger's prototype for Terminator 3.

I would greatly appreciate you taking responsibility for
___ your own "stuff,"
___ feeding the starving sharks,
___ paying for your own lobotomy,
and being
___ confused.
___ a nutjob.
___ a preoperative transsexual.

I didn't
___ have an impure thought,
___ tell anyone about your operation,
___ write to the National Enquirer,
___ bribe that short guard in cell block D,
but I wish I had.

Thank you for helping me to see the light about you.  I now no longer feel like
___ seeing you.
___ knowing that you ever existed.
___ flushing the toilet for you.

Sincerely glad to not be yours,
(signature)

A fireman tells his bride that he wants sex when he comes home from the firehouse.  "When I shout One Bell, it means get undressed. Two Bells, get in bed.  Three Bells, spread your legs."

A few days later, he comes home to test his system.
"One Bell!" he yells, and his wife strips.
"Two Bells!" he yells, and his wife hops in bed.
"Three Bells!" he yells, and her legs part for him.
A few minuted into the lovemaking and suddenly his wife yells out, "Four Bells!"
"What the hell is Four Bells?!" the fireman snorts.
"It means I need more hose."

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q. Why do men break wind more that women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and you wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

Q. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A. It's called a wedding cake.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Even though we can now explain differences between men and omen's social conduct genetically, several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answers may be a few centuries away yet... for instance, can you explain why...

Men drive to a party, women drive back.

Heterosexual women are not frightened of lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals - once they are pointed out to them by women.

Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: e.g. drink a cup of coffee.
In the same time a single-tasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat.

A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman, will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.

A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing hockey without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

O.K., right... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE SHIT out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping. I bet you thought I was going soft on you...FAT CHANCE.

The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.  As he gagged the wife, the robber whispered something into her ear.  As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  Just cooperate with anything he wants.  If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.  Our lives depend on it."
     "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way because he just told me he thinks you have a really cute ass!"

A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life.  The girl says, "Mommy, what's a penis?"
Her mother says, "That's what your father pees with."
Then the girls says, "So what's a prick?"
Her mother frowns and says, "That's what is attached to the penis."