Can you really make your relationship infidelity-proof?
Maryann James | BaltAmour
March 15, 2008
As news of the recent indiscretions of a soon-to-be ex-governor of New York circulated this week, a recent post on cheat-proofing your relationship seemed to be particularly relevant.
So I e-mailed the woman who inspired the post, Stephany Alexander, founder of womansavers.com, a source for women on infidelity and cheating. A few weeks ago, she wrote a post titled "10 Tips To Infidelity-Proof Your Relationship," in which she, quite obviously, listed ways to strengthen your relationship and protect against infidelity.
By the time I got in touch with her, Alexander was a hot commodity.
"I just finished four interviews today, one with USA Today," she wrote. "Infidelity is such a hot topic right now ... unfortunately."
Indeed.
At first glance, I pooh-poohed her post. Most of her tips, mainly the ones that involve avoiding the opposite sex (don't be under the influence around them, don't meet alone with them, and don't share personal details, for example) were just unrealistic. And what if you're attracted to both sexes? Are you supposed to just stick to outings for one if you're not with your significant other?
I was taking it too literally, Alexander said. "There's certainly nothing wrong with going out with a group of friends with the intent to just have some fun," she writes. But "if you drink or use drugs around the opposite sex, especially someone who you are attracted to, it lowers your inhibitions and you may make decisions you later regret."
At first blush, Kelee Dalton of Gwynn Oak scoffed at the idea of Alexander's list.
"You can't cheat-proof a relationship," said the 20-year-old. "You're never guaranteed to know what the other person will do."
But as we delved into the topic, she seemed to smell what the infidelity expert was cooking. You can't control what your partner does, she says, but you can do things to "keep them into you."
Like?
Make sure you keep after yourself. (Alexander's Tip No. 3: Diet and exercise daily.)
Compliment them. Take them out. Don't argue too much.
She took the last bit of advice from her own book.
"If she's hassling me ... it just makes me want to seek someone else to talk to." Not that you're going to cheat, but by causing undue conflict, you cause your partner to seek the connection he or she had with you in someone else. All of which sounds like Tip No. 10: Put positive effort in your relationship.
Oh yeah -- and "you have to be creative with sex," she says. (Tip No. 8.) If you're boring, your partner will seek excitement elsewhere, says Dalton.
But even with all of that, you're not safe.
"You're still not guaranteed," she says. "You just have to try your best. It's like life."
Everyone else I talked to agreed.
"There's nothing you can do to set up some kind of barrier to keep the individual from cheating," says Kenyatta Evans, 29, of Mount Vernon. "If they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat.
Tamara Johnson of Northeast Baltimore agrees.
"You can't protect against [infidelity]," she says. "That's individual thought."
The only thing you can do is "do you," and control how you react to others and how you react to your significant other. If you can't stand for cheating and you find out your husband is, say, arranging out-of-town visits with prostitutes -- violations of Tips No. 6 and No. 7: Travel together whenever possible and don't mix business with pleasure -- you've gotta either put up or shut up.
"If you're not going to leave, shut up and stay down," she says.
Either way, tips and tenets aside, Tammy Bennett says it all boils down to trust. Trust is the only true infidelity protectant, says the 31-year-old Pikesville resident.
"There's all kind of temptation," she says. "But if you have confidence in your relationship," you don't have to worry about keeping yourself apart from temptation or wrapping your mate in "Do Not Cross" tape before her or she goes out.
And I think Bennett has the right idea. Alexander does, too. With all of those rules, the underlying tip is honesty. If you're honest with yourself, you won't have drinks with your work friend if you've been hanging a little too long by his or her cubicle lately. And if you're up front with your beau, you can head off many misunderstandings in the first place.
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